Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 01:50 - United States - Guthrie

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

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Proactive

Territorial pissings

Property law

By EnglishLearner - 9/11/2012 16:23 - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML

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By Emily Salt - 15/2/2011 08:34

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

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By Sam - 2/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

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By why?! - 10/9/2011 01:57 - United States

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

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By barista - 5/12/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, a customer tried to pay for a $1.55 cup of coffee with a gift card, but he came up a dollar short. He let another customer through while he fumbled in his pocket for money. I later noticed a dollar had disappeared from my tip jar. FML

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By Disney - 18/2/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

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By Fatnotpregnant - 30/3/2017 16:00

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

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By whymyliferose - 3/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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By hatemyjob - 27/10/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

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By Scorned Employee - 2/1/2012 03:38 - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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By smiles - 3/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By dead - 18/3/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By Ballshurt - 7/9/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 08:30 - Australia

Today, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I swear I couldn't help it when the words "Wow, I bet you really regret that haircut." came out of my mouth. FML

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By Jumja - 15/1/2010 11:37 - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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By Bad Dancer - 5/7/2015 01:48 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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By Username - 31/3/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/3/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

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By Ellie - 8/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2017 07:00 - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

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By apparentlytoougly - 27/3/2013 07:29 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 07:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

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By Men '86 - 24/7/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

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By pablito - 17/4/2014 10:37 - France - Bron

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

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By mackamuir - 1/4/2016 13:01 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my roommate played a crazy April Fool's joke on me by not paying his rent this month. Good one. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 03:57 - United States - State College

Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then heard loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML

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By wurtabang - 9/2/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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By shitforchris - 20/8/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By emancipate me - 15/5/2016 19:59 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By Ginger - 3/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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Top comments

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6229928 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:23

You dare live a healthy lifestyle in my town. Thats it, ticket.

By Steffi3 | 40

#6229921 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:17

I hope he didn't give you too much trouble. Keep up the running OP!

COMMENTS

By teresa96706 | 29

#6229920 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:17

At least the cop cared to make sure you're safe :)

Reply

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6229957 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:55

I don't think it ended well for OP.

Reply

Mr23 | 9

#6230026 - Thursday 12 March 2015 14:19

There are 2 ways to interpret the cop's question. Like #1, I think he was asking if OP is being chased by a criminal (rather than being one.)

Reply

jqmalang | 17

#6230063 - Thursday 12 March 2015 15:28

Well... it was the opposite of that from how the cops took it hahaha

Reply

myoukei | 31

#6231251 - Friday 13 March 2015 22:15

I don't know about that. As a person of color i can't read an fml like this and assume the cop had the best intentions....

Reply

_Dirty_Dan_ | 11

#6231923 - Saturday 14 March 2015 15:49

So basically Just cuz ur black u assume all cops are racist and all they want to do is oppress black people

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6232781 - Sunday 15 March 2015 14:24

They aren't usually so nice to stop a random person minding their own business but hey whatever!

By Steffi3 | 40

#6229921 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:17

I hope he didn't give you too much trouble. Keep up the running OP!

By annarcheer | 19

#6229922 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:19

So I'm guessing he arrested you or something op? I'm sorry maybe they will figure out you did not do anything wrong

Reply

Roskie | 16

#6230119 - Thursday 12 March 2015 17:35

Running is nowhere near sufficient evidence to accuse someone of breaking the law. OP doesn't have to prove anything.

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6232894 - Sunday 15 March 2015 17:42

This isn't North Korea you can do things outside without fear of harassment.

By emeraldisle | 30

#6229923 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:19

I hope you've learned your lesson OP. Next time walk.

Reply

nataliewby | 25

#6229927 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

bearstyle22 | 11

#6229931 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:28

she might be joking. orr possibly trolling. Not tooo sure haha

Reply

BBlah | 26

#6229945 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:47

I took what #4 said as a joke

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6229997 - Thursday 12 March 2015 13:12

I hope you learned your lesson, #4.

If you're making a sarcastic comment, add a smiley face or make it obvious.

(EX1: I hope you learned your lesson, OP :])

(EX2: C'mon OP, you know running is outlawed.)

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#6230058 - Thursday 12 March 2015 15:16

I was being sarcastic.

By saffy66 | 34

#6229925 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:21

I guess he's just doing his job; you must know most joggers are lunatics and like to risk heatstroke every time they run!

By abNormal62 | 23

#6229926 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:22

Maybe he'd miss the fresh donut alert announcement across the please broadband and he was hoping you could help guide him

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6229928 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:23

You dare live a healthy lifestyle in my town. Thats it, ticket.

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6232782 - Sunday 15 March 2015 14:25

Now you better drive home or else boy!

By ma12r | 22

#6229930 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:27

Yikes OP. That kinda sucks but hopefully that doesn't happen again if you choose to go running again.

By Enslaved | 36

#6229940 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:42

Were you wearing a ski mask and dressed all in black?

By wtffml1979 | 22

#6229944 - Thursday 12 March 2015 11:47

Should've said "trying to beat you to the donut shop!"