Transportation: Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 8

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 738

19/06/2009 04:25

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 440

You deserved it 5 891

You tried

The wrong end of the stick

Thanks Boris!

28/08/2011 06:54

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided to use glow-in-the-dark body paint to make an arrow on his stomach pointing down. I guess he thought he'd "spice up" the way he always demands a blow job before sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 920

You deserved it 6 347

17/01/2014 12:49

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 713

You deserved it 9 129

29/12/2018 10:00

Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 184

You deserved it 313

11/01/2014 18:52

Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 172

You deserved it 5 472

28/04/2014 21:27

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 272

You deserved it 7 699

Right in the pecker

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a nasty fight. After a few hours, she wanted to give me a blowjob, so I thought we weren't mad at each other anymore. Turns out she was still mad because she bit my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 402

16/12/2010 17:07

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 562

You deserved it 2 800

11/02/2009 01:44

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 2 571

Not funny

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 18:02

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 071

You deserved it 2 680

20/04/2016 03:09

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 857

You deserved it 30 199

09/08/2012 19:33

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 193

You deserved it 3 001

30/12/2010 07:14

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 960

You deserved it 7 383

Late warning

By TheGestalt97 - 20/12/2019 05:00

Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 164

16/03/2016 08:28

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 856

You deserved it 1 793

24/01/2014 07:16

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 39 387

You deserved it 8 308

12/04/2009 02:51

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 523

You deserved it 5 755

24/06/2019 07:07

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 254

Innocence

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 11:01

Today, my mom mentioned that she doesn’t think she’s gonna let my baby sister believe in Santa. When I mentioned that I believed in Santa growing up, she casually replied with, "Yeah, well you were slow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 105

Friends

By sandyc - 23/05/2021 22:01

Today, I just got my first period. My mother has been dead for years and my stepmother genuinely wishes I was dead, so who am I supposed to tell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 43

25/08/2015 17:44

Spicy

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 488

You deserved it 7 173

17/07/2010 06:00

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 832

You deserved it 5 664

Sorry, but it's a no

By Anonymous - 19/02/2021 15:01

Today, after years of battling mental health and unemployment, I was rejected from a job packing tomatoes. Apparently I'm unsuitable for even the most basic work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 67

10/06/2009 14:49

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 121

You deserved it 6 161

KoBabe

By shit streak - 21/04/2020 20:00

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 206

You deserved it 197

25/04/2017 16:00

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 396

11/06/2014 02:07

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 971

You deserved it 9 739

20/12/2016 04:02

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 285

You deserved it 744

30/10/2012 00:42

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has secretly been conditioning me to get turned on by the smell of bananas. Guess whose new co-worker peels a nice, fragrant banana five times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 583

You deserved it 3 308

14/02/2017 15:00

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 448

You deserved it 585

11/02/2010 00:03

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 923

You deserved it 8 781

28/11/2018 13:30

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 412

You deserved it 531

21/12/2010 08:03

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was sad I'd forgotten to bake him the cookies that I was planning to send to him for Christmas. His response was "Good, you suck at cooking anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 110

You deserved it 6 849

27/01/2011 17:40

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 041

You deserved it 5 672

Classic

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 53

05/07/2016 06:49

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 374

You deserved it 937

03/02/2019 20:00

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 1 470

26/01/2015 23:24

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 3 101

Welcome back!

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 20:02

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 81

Stunlocked

By RoyBoy - 26/07/2021 18:01

Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 498

19/06/2012 22:16

Spicy

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 363

You deserved it 3 291

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Top comments

24788 6

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:08

That is fucking awesome. You got owned twice.

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:08

Who does that?

Comments

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:07

Ok, you really should have expected them to re-do it the moment you turned your back. (first)

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Tuesday 17 April 2012 17:32

Nobody gives a shit if you are first

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:08

Who does that?

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Friday 19 June 2009 20:26

awesome fucking people, that's who.

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Friday 19 June 2009 22:16

immature fools

failzisawesome 0

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Saturday 20 June 2009 14:31

someone with lots off saran wrap

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Saturday 27 February 2010 5:22

haha yea and I'm guessing not a lot of people like you... good luck with that

Blacksabbath211 9

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Thursday 24 June 2010 6:01

epic ownage!

petethelovehorn 19

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Thursday 12 November 2015 19:39

My neighbor TPd my car, then put sticky notes all over it a few weeks later.

24788 6

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:08

That is fucking awesome. You got owned twice.

24788 6

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:14

#4 saran wrapping someones car means you put saran wrap all over there car. Saran wrap sucks when it's hot out and it doesn't allow you to get into your car.

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Friday 19 June 2009 15:48

reply fail

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Friday 19 June 2009 19:56

well, at least you know what a shotgun is, wait by a window for them, then give them a 12 gauge suprise >:)

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:09

What the hell does saran wrapped mean??

hypothetically 0

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Friday 19 June 2009 15:03

Cling wrap

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Friday 19 June 2009 19:40

fail

StopBeingADouche 0

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Saturday 20 June 2009 6:06

Maybe you should just look it up.

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Sunday 23 May 2010 18:47

Cling Film for Brits

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Friday 21 October 2011 14:01

Also know as glad wrap in aus

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:11

Fucking genious.

xXPeachRoseXx 0

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:38

ikr? This gave me ideas....

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:42

nice moves.... GENIUS!!!!

Random_Poster 0

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Friday 19 June 2009 16:01

#5: GENIUS FAIL!

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Friday 11 December 2009 23:39

I can already think of at least three People I am going to do this too!

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Monday 1 March 2010 7:03

saran wrap the entrance to their house like 2 times n ring the doorbell

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:13

Haha that funny me and some team mates done that before to my wrestling coachs car well were at a tournament didn't see it coming like you LOL !

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Monday 25 February 2013 22:40

That's* some team mates and I* did* coaches* while?* and I don't know what the last part even means.

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:17

Hahahahahahahaha!!!! you fool, twise ;D

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Friday 19 June 2009 19:14

You fail, once.

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:17

HAHA PWNED!!!

redbluegreen 40

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:19

Who has the time and money to buy that much saran wrap? Seriously. Sounds like you should move to a new neighborhood.

stephyvengeancex 0

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Friday 19 June 2009 18:28

Lmao Ikr. They must have an awful lot of time on their hands to do that twice haha. That really sucks for you man.

mafi0 0

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Thursday 26 November 2009 6:02

plenty of people have $5 and 20 minutes to waste.. you that poor?

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Friday 19 June 2009 12:19

how annoying! saran wrap their car and see how they like it