Miscellaneous: Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible...

By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Social distancing done right

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Some winners…

By ShowOff - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

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By Shino

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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7370

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By Troy - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By Eivana

Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML

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3110

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By Dummas

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

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Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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1984

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 20:00

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML

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By JoshuasGirl - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

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By brodinn - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By jl_word - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By Drew

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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By anonymaiacciu - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

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By wetdreams - Canada

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

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By driver26 - Canada

Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML

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By maddiee. - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

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41181

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By alycion

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By Worst City in the World

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By sickly - United States

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

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By stopinthenameoflove - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

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By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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You deserved it

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By anthony - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By yaa - 17/4/2020 17:00

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss told me to check out the situation in the restroom. Someone had crapped themselves, rolled their underwear into a ball, and had the audacity to write that they were sorry in sharpie on the wall. FML

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4581

You deserved it

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2453

You deserved it

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By jasonnn - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26182

You deserved it

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By Roy Lawson - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous

Today...I started my day with a head cold and sore throat. I am ending the day with my period and explosive diarrhea. Oh and to top it all off, I live in the midwest, where the wind chills are going to be -50 tomorrow...FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By screwyoucompany

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

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Top comments

By reklawelyk | 15

#6383357 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:03

Welcome to a guys locker room

By karcummings | 19

#6383375 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:11

you could say he was an.. axe murderer. haha..

COMMENTS

By reklawelyk | 15

#6383357 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:03

Welcome to a guys locker room

DamnBailie | 23

#6383391 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:22

or a middle school boys bedroom.

Fml_foreva | 9

#6383559 - Monday 17 August 2015 13:39

mostly elementary

Hoopachi | 19

#6384174 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 3:35

Since when do elementary school kids use axe?

LowExpectations | 30

#6385178 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 1:37

Axe is not an alternative to doing laundry!

FiFiLovee | 26

#6390851 - Monday 24 August 2015 4:58

Is no one going to comment on OP's username? Lmfaoooo

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6383360 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:04

Any amount of Axe is too much Axe

By Birdclawz | 17

#6383363 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:07

A little bit goes a long way fellas

beeferjay | 34

#6385106 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 0:07

especially when they're in heat...

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6383367 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:08

Unfortunately, some guys treat Axe as if it's cologne, when in reality it's FAR from that. Sorry you had to go through that, OP!

lovelockdown23 | 23

#6383456 - Monday 17 August 2015 8:53

then what is it?

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6383497 - Monday 17 August 2015 11:51

Deodorant (not a very good one though) #28

Skylarconner | 14

#6383705 - Monday 17 August 2015 17:21

no, it's a shit in a can

SPN_lover666 | 27

#6383772 - Monday 17 August 2015 19:05

#28, it is a can of Satan's ball sweat.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6383923 - Monday 17 August 2015 22:55

Some people treat it like its some kind of miracle shower in a can.

LowExpectations | 30

#6385188 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 1:40

I blame those ads that make it seem like women will instantly jump on you if you spray that crap on your self.

By MandyO | 15

#6383372 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

If that's the worst part about this blind date, it sounds like a win!

By rileyrae0000 | 23

#6383373 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

I have a similar experience everyday in one of my classes. I'm not sure exactly who it's coming from but when I do, I'm confiscating his Axe!!!!

By corky1992 | 33

#6383374 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

I love the smell of Axe, but it definitely can be strong and some guys over do it.

MasterTron | 24

#6383521 - Monday 17 August 2015 12:10

It's a shower in a can for some guys.

By karcummings | 19

#6383375 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:11

you could say he was an.. axe murderer. haha..

By balboa_2 | 24

#6383382 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:15

In our lockeroom that's what most of the guys use

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6383388 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:20

Axe: boosting self confidence with misleading advertisement since 1990...