Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible...

By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - 16/8/2015 16:18 - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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Miscellaneous

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By Cyberella - 17/7/2009 05:36 - Australia

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

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By Noname - 17/1/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

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By Pissy - 27/11/2016 20:15

Today, I was traveling home with my four-year-old son. While we were standing in line at the security checkpoint, I hear the sound of water dripping and turned to find my son urinating on the floor. He'd read a sign that said we weren't allowed to take any liquids with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By dammitRandy - 19/6/2016 17:18 - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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By fattysonparade - 21/7/2010 01:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML

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By tay - 17/9/2013 15:44 - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By danskinnow - 5/10/2009 02:01 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By lyla - 20/3/2012 19:15 - United States

Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML

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By anal-retentive - 23/6/2016 20:00 - United States

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 05:02

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

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By titou - 5/1/2009 03:33 - France

Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML

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By dining - 1/9/2014 01:56 - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 17:20 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

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By pottyhostage - 8/11/2010 21:26 - Sweden

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 18:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a date with a girl my friend set me up with. I thought we got along great, until after dessert, when I asked if she'd be interested in doing this again. She just said, "Nahhh" then got up and casually left, stiffing me on the bill. FML

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By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By j_portal - 26/10/2014 03:47 - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

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By brittsters - 4/9/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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By nottelling7012 - 29/8/2010 04:21 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 05:50

Today, my Dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

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By daughter in law - 8/11/2016 06:05 - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

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By Sallyfromtheseashore - 1/7/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

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By racello13 - 2/11/2015 15:26 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 05:38 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 00:01

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By anonymous - 29/3/2012 15:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 10:51 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2016 02:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 17:00

Words, don't come easy

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

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By Shannon - 29/11/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By fml - 21/2/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By KO - 30/4/2014 04:20 - United States

Today, I was changing the garbage at a local fast food place where I work. Being a rather short guy, I had to lean back and fling the full, heavy bag at the top. I did so with such force that my head hit the dumpster, knocking me out. FML

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By rojin12 - 30/8/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I tried to close my desk drawer by hitting it with my hip, like they do in the movies. Everything on my desk fell off. FML

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By unlucky - 3/9/2014 17:40 - United States - Cold Spring

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

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By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

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By windthroughmyflab - 13/5/2015 23:19 - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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Top comments

By reklawelyk | 15

#6383357 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:03

Welcome to a guys locker room

By karcummings | 19

#6383375 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:11

you could say he was an.. axe murderer. haha..

COMMENTS

By reklawelyk | 15

#6383357 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:03

Welcome to a guys locker room

DamnBailie | 23

#6383391 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:22

or a middle school boys bedroom.

Fml_foreva | 9

#6383559 - Monday 17 August 2015 13:39

mostly elementary

Hoopachi | 19

#6384174 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 3:35

Since when do elementary school kids use axe?

LowExpectations | 30

#6385178 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 1:37

Axe is not an alternative to doing laundry!

FiFiLovee | 26

#6390851 - Monday 24 August 2015 4:58

Is no one going to comment on OP's username? Lmfaoooo

By CliffyB03 | 28

#6383360 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:04

Any amount of Axe is too much Axe

By Birdclawz | 17

#6383363 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:07

A little bit goes a long way fellas

beeferjay | 34

#6385106 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 0:07

especially when they're in heat...

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6383367 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:08

Unfortunately, some guys treat Axe as if it's cologne, when in reality it's FAR from that. Sorry you had to go through that, OP!

lovelockdown23 | 23

#6383456 - Monday 17 August 2015 8:53

then what is it?

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6383497 - Monday 17 August 2015 11:51

Deodorant (not a very good one though) #28

Skylarconner | 14

#6383705 - Monday 17 August 2015 17:21

no, it's a shit in a can

SPN_lover666 | 27

#6383772 - Monday 17 August 2015 19:05

#28, it is a can of Satan's ball sweat.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6383923 - Monday 17 August 2015 22:55

Some people treat it like its some kind of miracle shower in a can.

LowExpectations | 30

#6385188 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 1:40

I blame those ads that make it seem like women will instantly jump on you if you spray that crap on your self.

By MandyO | 15

#6383372 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

If that's the worst part about this blind date, it sounds like a win!

By rileyrae0000 | 23

#6383373 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

I have a similar experience everyday in one of my classes. I'm not sure exactly who it's coming from but when I do, I'm confiscating his Axe!!!!

By corky1992 | 33

#6383374 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:10

I love the smell of Axe, but it definitely can be strong and some guys over do it.

MasterTron | 24

#6383521 - Monday 17 August 2015 12:10

It's a shower in a can for some guys.

By karcummings | 19

#6383375 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:11

you could say he was an.. axe murderer. haha..

By balboa_2 | 24

#6383382 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:15

In our lockeroom that's what most of the guys use

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6383388 - Monday 17 August 2015 7:20

Axe: boosting self confidence with misleading advertisement since 1990...