Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting...

By MATTY2512 - 13/7/2016 18:13 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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Intimacy

Social distancing gone wrong

Boom, headshot

Buzzing the tower

By effiestonem154 - 2/4/2013 21:14 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By stillloveherthough - 26/2/2016 17:54 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

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By who wants spaghetti - 17/12/2015 03:42 - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By sonwhy - 25/2/2014 00:51 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

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By b3ardown23 - 7/9/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

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By I have wood - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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By Dirty - 23/2/2017 08:00 - Canada

Today, I grabbed a fresh hand towel from the drawer in the bathroom. I wiped my hands and noticed they smelled like shit. My 6-year-old had wiped poo from his finger onto the dark grey towels. I guess he sometimes helps the poo out. Good to know. FML

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By jaybob18 - 17/6/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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By Ignorant - 7/10/2017 06:00

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By redneckpunk - 16/3/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

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By Piano999 - 21/2/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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By NickJJ - 16/5/2014 02:34 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - 25/1/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By Prometheus - 24/3/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 02:17 - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

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By nba - 30/5/2019 16:00

Today, my coworkers threw me a going away lunch, since I’m moving on to a better opportunity. Nothing reminds you why you’re leaving like being the last person to your own party, and picking over the minuscule amount of food scraps that are left. FML

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By fail - 21/12/2010 09:38 - United States

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

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By emselin - 18/9/2012 20:07 - Denmark - Niv

Today, someone brought cake to class. Trying to get some attention from the guy I have a crush on, I asked if he wanted my piece of cake. He accepted it, and then offered it to another girl. FML

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By TheIVkindaruinsthemood - 5/8/2015 18:58 - United States - Milford

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

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By testom - 17/4/2015 18:15 - Netherlands - Rotterdam

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

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By feelinblue - 23/6/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, a riot broke out while I was on shift at the community swimming pool. A family snuck in soap so they could use the pool as a giant bath tub. FML

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By Fv-day - 14/2/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML

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By bcoper - 20/2/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By dinosaur - 10/1/2011 10:35 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

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By SilkySmooth - 28/11/2018 22:00

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By Aether - 3/6/2014 22:51 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By thissinglelife - 6/9/2013 06:42 - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By really? - 28/5/2013 08:09 - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

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By fouryearswasted - 19/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By pauper - 9/2/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

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By coolchicka05 - 6/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

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By jules - 10/3/2011 07:53 - United States

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

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By tkr - 6/2/2012 03:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By merse - 18/2/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By vetstudentdream - 15/4/2017 22:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

By kl0x | 7

#6649761 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:48

That sounds like that wasn't the first time.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6649775 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:03

Plot twist: Mother was alone in the shower.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6649828 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:47

Alternate plot twist: it was an earwig.

HieronymusBoche | 13

#6649829 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:52

double plot twist : mother wasn't alone in the shower...

delichick | 27

#6649836 - Thursday 14 July 2016 13:20

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6650055 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:04

Triple plot twist; it wasn't OP's mother at all.

freddygasman | 18

#6650065 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:30

quad plot twist: it was another woman in the shower with op's mom

thatoneguy255 | 9

#6650094 - Thursday 14 July 2016 21:26

M. Night Shyamalan twist. The mother was actually deceased and OP doesn't even own a shower.

PePziNL | 20

#6650186 - Friday 15 July 2016 2:11

Michael Bay twist: the shower exploded.

By brenton490 | 19

#6649779 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:15

Wow this also sounds like a scene straight out of a porno. People and their homemade porno these days.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6649820 - Thursday 14 July 2016 11:08

I'm going to hazard a guess and just say that it's all in your head, buddy.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6649830 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:55

What the hell kind of porn do you watch?

dontknow1 | 19

#6649864 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:51

You should stop watching porn, it's affecting your perception.

By Theguyinthedark | 11

#6649802 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:51

Who was the pincher?

By trucker2 | 33

#6649866 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:58

So yell back, Do you need a band-Aid

By cornyrob | 33

#6649882 - Thursday 14 July 2016 15:26

At least she didn't yell, "Pinch my nipple! hard!"

By DrChrisOfWumbo | 12

#6649892 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:03

And then you turned around and walked out right?

By niftyismybitch | 21

#6649907 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:32

Gotta have a safe word...or sentence.