Intimacy: Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting...

By MATTY2512 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

Commando

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By but i make different stiffies - United States - Parker

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Australia

Modern Family

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he is the only meat eater in the family. When she finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

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By Fatnlonely

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

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By dormeur - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By blahblahblah - 15/4/2020 20:00

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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By Cpt Colin - United States

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

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By noooo - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By Vince - United States

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

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By Shuttie - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By Lyingg - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By gr8

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

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By LadyGrey

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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By keifer13 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

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By poopiter - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

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By bablessinbedsty

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By hotandbothered - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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By staticman101 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

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By Jgfenix - United States - Aurora

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

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By burn in hell - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

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By Shoryugeki III

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

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By Text - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

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By Notpunny - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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By Kristina - United States

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

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By ewewew - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

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By souped - United States

Today, I really wanted something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my grandma's soy milk. I decide to take a swig, and instead of tasting soy, I tasted rotten chicken. Turns out my grandma knew I drink her soy milk and decided to swap it with expired chicken broth. FML

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By mylifereallysuks - United States

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By none - United States

Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML

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By ChangingTheLocks

Call The Police!

Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

COMMENTS

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

By kl0x | 7

#6649761 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:48

That sounds like that wasn't the first time.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6649775 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:03

Plot twist: Mother was alone in the shower.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6649828 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:47

Alternate plot twist: it was an earwig.

HieronymusBoche | 13

#6649829 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:52

double plot twist : mother wasn't alone in the shower...

delichick | 27

#6649836 - Thursday 14 July 2016 13:20

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6650055 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:04

Triple plot twist; it wasn't OP's mother at all.

freddygasman | 18

#6650065 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:30

quad plot twist: it was another woman in the shower with op's mom

thatoneguy255 | 9

#6650094 - Thursday 14 July 2016 21:26

M. Night Shyamalan twist. The mother was actually deceased and OP doesn't even own a shower.

PePziNL | 20

#6650186 - Friday 15 July 2016 2:11

Michael Bay twist: the shower exploded.

By brenton490 | 19

#6649779 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:15

Wow this also sounds like a scene straight out of a porno. People and their homemade porno these days.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6649820 - Thursday 14 July 2016 11:08

I'm going to hazard a guess and just say that it's all in your head, buddy.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6649830 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:55

What the hell kind of porn do you watch?

dontknow1 | 19

#6649864 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:51

You should stop watching porn, it's affecting your perception.

By Theguyinthedark | 11

#6649802 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:51

Who was the pincher?

By trucker2 | 33

#6649866 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:58

So yell back, Do you need a band-Aid

By cornyrob | 33

#6649882 - Thursday 14 July 2016 15:26

At least she didn't yell, "Pinch my nipple! hard!"

By DrChrisOfWumbo | 12

#6649892 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:03

And then you turned around and walked out right?

By niftyismybitch | 21

#6649907 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:32

Gotta have a safe word...or sentence.