Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting...

By MATTY2512 - 13/7/2016 18:13 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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Intimacy

Oh, hai!

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By poseidon5213 - 17/5/2012 22:02 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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By clumsyandpoor - 3/12/2014 04:05 - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By JTo - 3/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

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By whiteboyfresh69 - 22/1/2020 20:00 - United States

She likes it!

Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn't notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML

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By Ignored - 11/4/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By dgilbs - 12/11/2012 22:08 - United States - Grosse Pointe

Today, my friends and I went out to dinner. Being short on cash, I suggested a game where we put our phones in the center of the table and first to check their phone had to pay the bill. Our conversation died out, and fearful of having an awkward silence, I checked my phone. FML

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By I write sins not other people's essays - 12/5/2016 03:13 - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

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By Wilson - 4/10/2018 22:00

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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By Lee - 21/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By redlips - 9/11/2010 18:06 - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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By cat whisperer - 20/3/2014 04:31 - United States

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

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By Joe Lizen - 7/8/2012 01:40 - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By priceycommute - 19/8/2017 04:33

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

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By embarassed - 8/8/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

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By hatetheroommate - 16/4/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

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By annoyed - 28/8/2012 17:50 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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By phatkroger10 - 10/4/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - 12/8/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 00:20 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2015 17:08 - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By wtfdreams - 17/5/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By FUCK.THIS.JOB. - 8/7/2013 05:57 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I politely asked a man to not sleep on a tram stop that I had to clean. He got up, and while I leaned forward to pick up some trash from the ground nearby, I felt a warm stream on my back. Now I can't get the smell of urine off my clothes. FML

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By hedayk - 15/5/2015 20:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

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By StillTooYoung - 20/1/2013 13:13 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By Faker - 16/10/2012 21:44 - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

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By I'm over it - 16/1/2016 02:09 - United States

Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML

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By kerensa - 15/7/2012 05:51 - Australia - Mornington

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

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By BunniesOnAcid - 3/7/2012 23:01 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

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By scoobses - 2/10/2015 00:45 - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By juggalomurderer59 - 12/11/2014 16:00 - United States

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

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By bewitched and bothered - 2/2/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

Comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6649753 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:42

Well, you heard her. Stop pinching her nipple right now.

By MDoremis | 38

#6649758 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:46

To be fair, that can get annoying and painful after a while. Particularly if it's at random and unwanted.

By kl0x | 7

#6649761 - Thursday 14 July 2016 8:48

That sounds like that wasn't the first time.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6649775 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:03

Plot twist: Mother was alone in the shower.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6649828 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:47

Alternate plot twist: it was an earwig.

HieronymusBoche | 13

#6649829 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:52

double plot twist : mother wasn't alone in the shower...

delichick | 27

#6649836 - Thursday 14 July 2016 13:20

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6650055 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:04

Triple plot twist; it wasn't OP's mother at all.

freddygasman | 18

#6650065 - Thursday 14 July 2016 20:30

quad plot twist: it was another woman in the shower with op's mom

thatoneguy255 | 9

#6650094 - Thursday 14 July 2016 21:26

M. Night Shyamalan twist. The mother was actually deceased and OP doesn't even own a shower.

PePziNL | 20

#6650186 - Friday 15 July 2016 2:11

Michael Bay twist: the shower exploded.

By brenton490 | 19

#6649779 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:15

Wow this also sounds like a scene straight out of a porno. People and their homemade porno these days.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6649820 - Thursday 14 July 2016 11:08

I'm going to hazard a guess and just say that it's all in your head, buddy.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6649830 - Thursday 14 July 2016 12:55

What the hell kind of porn do you watch?

dontknow1 | 19

#6649864 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:51

You should stop watching porn, it's affecting your perception.

By Theguyinthedark | 11

#6649802 - Thursday 14 July 2016 9:51

Who was the pincher?

By trucker2 | 33

#6649866 - Thursday 14 July 2016 14:58

So yell back, Do you need a band-Aid

By cornyrob | 33

#6649882 - Thursday 14 July 2016 15:26

At least she didn't yell, "Pinch my nipple! hard!"

By DrChrisOfWumbo | 12

#6649892 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:03

And then you turned around and walked out right?

By niftyismybitch | 21

#6649907 - Thursday 14 July 2016 16:32

Gotta have a safe word...or sentence.