Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my...

By claubea11 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

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Miscellaneous

Recycling helps

The end of the road

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - United States - Lake Dallas

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By DramaticSigh - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By VerbalDiarrhea - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

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By Gerry - 3/1/2021 17:03

Fate, up against your will

Today, according to my wife of 30 years, I'm finally old enough that I look, smell, sound and act like my father. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Covidiots

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

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By Live Sweet

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By Dick the Greater

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

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By rastafarimon - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By frozen solid - United States - Allentown

Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

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By neverakid - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend's female best friend that they have been dating for the last month. This was the week of our one year anniversary, and my birthday. We just moved into a duplex with my name on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I got to work and saw a new desk had been setup on stilts. 'Oh, who got the standing desk?' I asked. Turns out it's for the guy in the wheelchair who was right behind me. It needs to be high so the controls of his wheelchair can fit under the desk. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he had sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

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By katgib13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

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By hell - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

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By lolfayce - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Stay in school, kids...

Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 02:01

Unmissable

Today, I returned to work after testing out my theory yesterday that absolutely nobody would notice or care if I just did not show up. So far so good. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

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By Lawrence - United States

Today, I was riding my bike to the local grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner. On the way down, traveling down a hill, I hit a drain with no lid. I went to grab hold of the nearest object to soften my fall. That nearest object was a barbed wire fence. FML

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By Junior - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

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By laprochainefoisjerestealamaison - France - Montpellier

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterward tried to comfort me by saying there've been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By Purple-jacket

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By helenablitz - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

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By Une Fille - Canada

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

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By future missing person maker person thingy - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

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Top comments

By xSonic | 9

#5812635 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 11:57

And at last I see the light....

By maxhhh | 18

#5812636 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 11:58

Good start to a good year!!

COMMENTS

By xSonic | 9

#5812635 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 11:57

And at last I see the light....

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5812710 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:08

Yea. Hopefully that tree is oak-ay.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5812755 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 14:50

You stole my pun you beech! Sorry. I hope you'll cedar funny side of my comment.

MrRazzle | 4

#5812808 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 15:53

Don't worry #28, I'm sure he's pine with it.

Kindroth | 12

#5812877 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 17:36

Let's hope fir ot

Lord_Cornwallis | 5

#5812897 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 17:56

What goes up must come down, right?

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5813871 - Thursday 2 January 2014 10:47

Are you guys fir real?!

By maxhhh | 18

#5812636 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 11:58

Good start to a good year!!

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5812682 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:41

Yeah, from what I hear, that tree was bugging OP for years. Blocking out the sun, stopping OP from spying on the neighbours.

By CarbonCoach | 11

#5812640 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:01

Atleast it was somewhat romantic for a while? Haha, happy new years anyways, maybe you have a story to tell later? Who knows...

By junkman6 | 22

#5812641 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:01

Now you guys have a romantic bonfire to cuddle around! Good thinking OP!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5812644 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:03

Up, up and away
In my beautiful, my beautiful balloo...oh no!

By StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5812648 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:04

Burn, baby burn !
Keep the noise down if you let the lantern fly later on at night - you don't want to wake the neighbours !

By davidislost | 11

#5812649 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:04

Blame it on a stray firework, quick!!

By BrockALee | 14

#5812654 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:06

Ok, I think it's safe to say that I was NOT expecting that O.o

By siberianhamster | 17

#5812655 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:06

Deny. Deny. Deny.

False_Stupidity | 41

#5812702 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:00

That's right, admit nothing then blame it on the cat.

By JMichael | 25

#5812664 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 12:14

Happy New year OP!