Love: Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s... - FML

By cjk004 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

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Mother of the year

Sorry…

Supply and demand

By ouch - United States

Today, a guy who I've been on five dates with called me for the first time in 2 weeks. The first thing I said was, "Don't expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me." Then he told me his mom died. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

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By Michael978

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 20:01

Grow up

Today, I was excited to go to a Japanese restaurant for my birthday. When the chef started doing tricks however, my spoiled brat of a sister started screaming and crying in terror. My parents insisted we leave and go to McDonald's because she was upset. She's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

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By tongue tied - United States - Meadville

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

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By mcadabax - Canada

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

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By xxlenalunaxx - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By Couch Potato - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I slept on the couch last night. She also seems to have forgotten that we had an argument last night, after which she stormed into our bedroom and locked me out. FML

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By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

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By Jason Brazil

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

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By Noname - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Headfucked

Today, after two weeks of migraines, my doctor informed me that bowel movements are one my triggers. This means every time I shit, I will have a headache. FML

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By jibberish - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By soembarrassed - Australia

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yukon

Today, I spent over $20 at the laundromat doing two weeks of laundry, just to avoid using the facilities in my apartment complex and having to deal with my creepy landlord trying to steal my underwear again. FML

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By AreYouSerious

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

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By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By hedayk - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By I'm my husband's second mom - United States - Dickson

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

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By schnegg - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By MEW - United States

Frustration level: infinity

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

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By Kebabjoon - Spain

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

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By inthesticks - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

GHOSTS!

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By guyshithappensto - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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By nemesis5196523 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

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By Jesus - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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Top comments

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

COMMENTS

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471255 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:17

lol it gets real ova gum

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4497678 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:56

Or me and my gum.

Reply

gman90210 | 18

#5203032 - Saturday 1 December 2012 4:37

Where do you women find all these idiots that you all want and keep even when they don't treat y'all right? I mean comon

Reply

Manchee | 3

#5950156 - Monday 19 May 2014 18:07

Hoe is he not treating her right? Its his gum he can do as he pleases.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

Reply

PsychobillyRebel | 14

#6438906 - Monday 19 October 2015 5:15

Mine too x)

By leannayourcool | 0

#2361 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:04

Oh my god, that's hilarious.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#2364 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:32

I don't for the life of me understand this post? Maybe someone can help me. What kind of pick up line is, "You can watch if you give me a piece of gum?" That right there would make me get up and leave as well because that is probably the most insane thing I've ever heard.

Reply

sensoon15 | 7

#2697375 - Friday 17 June 2011 1:02

kinda sounds like a prostitute. but still funny :D

By Rollercoaster_fml | 0

#2366 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:40

spot on #10

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#2377 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:06

you fail at life.

By Idyedmyhairblack | 0

#2387 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:38

haha he sounds like a loser!!

By deeznutzismine | 0

#2389 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:42

i've got all the gum you can chew.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471254 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:15

lol

Reply

killa723 | 0

#1445297 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:09

lol

Reply

bandgirrl | 9

#4383692 - Thursday 3 May 2012 0:21

lol

Reply

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4577098 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:38

lol

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5766652 - Sunday 24 November 2013 17:22

lol

Reply

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6159145 - Thursday 1 January 2015 0:07

Lol

By haygurlhay | 0

#2394 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:17

LOL.

By disgruntled_stdt | 0

#2395 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:28

If you're the type who goes shopping for 4h+, then I'd sympathize with the guy. After a 4th hour of watching a gf try on lingerie, I'd be concerned too that I wouldn't have any gum for the next 3...