Love: Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s... - FML

By cjk004 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

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Crowded House

Scoville scale

Greed

By coco - Canada

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I saw a dead ant. It made me think about how brief and fragile life is, why we're all here, and whether it has a point. It was a piece of lint. FML

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By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

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By birthday blues - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By birthdayfail

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Matthew - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

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By fuck you, kid - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

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By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By poor baby - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By Forever alone Guy - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 08:00

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By Gollumapparently - 13/1/2021 05:01

My precious

Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

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By looz - France

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By Molly - United States

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By JWhite - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to clean up the yard by dumping gasoline all over the leaves and lighting our entire front yard on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my family threw me a surprise party for my 29th Birthday. My brother-in-law sent me a text telling me they were all waiting for me to arrive. Thinking it was at my sister's home, I drove two hours there. It was actually at my parents' house. I missed my party and they ate my cake. FML

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By Polmkk - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

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By Christinemh329 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who I have been trying to get back together with, texted me. He asked me how life was going, he then asked me if I had the naked picture of him saved on my phone. I asked him why. He replied that he wanted to send it to his crush. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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By Afroman720 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

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By AngerManagement - United Kingdom

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 17:04

Blender time!

Today, I've told my boyfriend several times that my toothless grandma can only eat pureed foods, but likes any kind of soup, "as long as there's no meat in it." Guess what was his idea of a gift for her when meeting her for the first time? A steak. FML

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By Peta2nNoMore - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

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By JT - Canada

Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

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By HazzaBoo - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By HighasaCloud - United States - Elkhart

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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Top comments

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

COMMENTS

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471255 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:17

lol it gets real ova gum

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4497678 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:56

Or me and my gum.

Reply

gman90210 | 18

#5203032 - Saturday 1 December 2012 4:37

Where do you women find all these idiots that you all want and keep even when they don't treat y'all right? I mean comon

Reply

Manchee | 3

#5950156 - Monday 19 May 2014 18:07

Hoe is he not treating her right? Its his gum he can do as he pleases.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

Reply

PsychobillyRebel | 14

#6438906 - Monday 19 October 2015 5:15

Mine too x)

By leannayourcool | 0

#2361 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:04

Oh my god, that's hilarious.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#2364 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:32

I don't for the life of me understand this post? Maybe someone can help me. What kind of pick up line is, "You can watch if you give me a piece of gum?" That right there would make me get up and leave as well because that is probably the most insane thing I've ever heard.

Reply

sensoon15 | 7

#2697375 - Friday 17 June 2011 1:02

kinda sounds like a prostitute. but still funny :D

By Rollercoaster_fml | 0

#2366 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:40

spot on #10

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#2377 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:06

you fail at life.

By Idyedmyhairblack | 0

#2387 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:38

haha he sounds like a loser!!

By deeznutzismine | 0

#2389 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:42

i've got all the gum you can chew.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471254 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:15

lol

Reply

killa723 | 0

#1445297 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:09

lol

Reply

bandgirrl | 9

#4383692 - Thursday 3 May 2012 0:21

lol

Reply

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4577098 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:38

lol

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5766652 - Sunday 24 November 2013 17:22

lol

Reply

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6159145 - Thursday 1 January 2015 0:07

Lol

By haygurlhay | 0

#2394 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:17

LOL.

By disgruntled_stdt | 0

#2395 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:28

If you're the type who goes shopping for 4h+, then I'd sympathize with the guy. After a 4th hour of watching a gf try on lingerie, I'd be concerned too that I wouldn't have any gum for the next 3...