Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s... - FML

By cjk004 - 15/2/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

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Understandable

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Recycling helps

By noo - 11/10/2009 10:54 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 07:09 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By Vegetarian - 14/3/2010 10:21 - Finland

Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML

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By Still Waiting - 16/8/2016 18:54 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By crazystuff23 - 1/6/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

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By dinosawerr - 5/5/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By brando2k5 - 6/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

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By lpara89 - 20/6/2017 00:00

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 02:44 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I received a phone call from my boss, from the other side of the country. It seems the conference I sent him to is actually happening next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By whyme102008 - 13/7/2011 06:32 - United States

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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By screwed. - 3/2/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

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By Anon - 6/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was driving behind a UPS truck. All of a sudden his back door opens up exposing some boxes ready to fall out. Like a good driver I speed up to drive beside him to tell him. He thought I was trying to cut him off so he accelerated. A box flies out and dents my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 16:45 - United States

Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take 2 hours to get there. They called 2 hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2016 05:03

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By missbrit - 4/2/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

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By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - 27/6/2015 01:21 - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By philip708 - 27/8/2015 06:46 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

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By megaladon - 28/6/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By sexytime - 2/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By anon - 23/11/2011 22:53

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

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By WOW - 13/7/2013 20:40 - Kenya

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

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By foreseeingabreakup - 6/9/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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By mel - 30/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By Dirtyswede - 17/6/2009 14:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By j3r3zana16 - 31/10/2011 08:30 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

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By LockandKey - 24/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By dumped - 5/6/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By ohno - 25/3/2012 13:11 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By caly - 12/11/2018 16:32 - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By mommytobe - 5/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, mom was so upset when she found out that she is having another granddaughter that she wants us to pay her back for the little boy clothes that she bought before the sex of the baby was known. FML

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Top comments

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

COMMENTS

By lemonkid44 | 0

#2358 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:45

NEVER come between a man and his gum.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471255 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:17

lol it gets real ova gum

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4497678 - Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:56

Or me and my gum.

Reply

gman90210 | 18

#5203032 - Saturday 1 December 2012 4:37

Where do you women find all these idiots that you all want and keep even when they don't treat y'all right? I mean comon

Reply

Manchee | 3

#5950156 - Monday 19 May 2014 18:07

Hoe is he not treating her right? Its his gum he can do as he pleases.

By EFFyourlifecait | 0

#2360 - Sunday 15 February 2009 16:53

im sorry, but that just made my day.

Reply

PsychobillyRebel | 14

#6438906 - Monday 19 October 2015 5:15

Mine too x)

By leannayourcool | 0

#2361 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:04

Oh my god, that's hilarious.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#2364 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:32

I don't for the life of me understand this post? Maybe someone can help me. What kind of pick up line is, "You can watch if you give me a piece of gum?" That right there would make me get up and leave as well because that is probably the most insane thing I've ever heard.

Reply

sensoon15 | 7

#2697375 - Friday 17 June 2011 1:02

kinda sounds like a prostitute. but still funny :D

By Rollercoaster_fml | 0

#2366 - Sunday 15 February 2009 17:40

spot on #10

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#2377 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:06

you fail at life.

By Idyedmyhairblack | 0

#2387 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:38

haha he sounds like a loser!!

By deeznutzismine | 0

#2389 - Sunday 15 February 2009 19:42

i've got all the gum you can chew.

Reply

aria02 | 0

#471254 - Sunday 9 August 2009 8:15

lol

Reply

killa723 | 0

#1445297 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:09

lol

Reply

bandgirrl | 9

#4383692 - Thursday 3 May 2012 0:21

lol

Reply

CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4577098 - Sunday 17 June 2012 5:38

lol

Reply

uhhSavage | 22

#5766652 - Sunday 24 November 2013 17:22

lol

Reply

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6159145 - Thursday 1 January 2015 0:07

Lol

By haygurlhay | 0

#2394 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:17

LOL.

By disgruntled_stdt | 0

#2395 - Sunday 15 February 2009 20:28

If you're the type who goes shopping for 4h+, then I'd sympathize with the guy. After a 4th hour of watching a gf try on lingerie, I'd be concerned too that I wouldn't have any gum for the next 3...