Intimacy: Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty... - FML

21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 020

You deserved it 4 238

Broken heart

Mama's boy

This is war!

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 17:00

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 423

19/10/2009 11:50 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 715

You deserved it 4 140

About that...

By Gay younger brother - 30/06/2018 01:30

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 515

You deserved it 485

Bruh…

By ... - 06/06/2011 07:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 649

You deserved it 6 696

23/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 140

You deserved it 5 910

16/08/2015 16:18 - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 726

You deserved it 1 861

04/04/2014 21:31 - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 270

You deserved it 4 212

24/10/2009 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 889

You deserved it 3 451

22/06/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 766

You deserved it 85 136

13/02/2011 09:32 - France

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 134

You deserved it 6 568

07/03/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Spicy

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 518

You deserved it 4 354

10/11/2012 00:30 - United States - Eagle Pass

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 631

You deserved it 3 482

24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Spicy

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 268

You deserved it 7 162

Candid camera

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 23:00

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 1 578

24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 341

You deserved it 4 518

30/06/2015 12:56 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 314

You deserved it 7 738

27/12/2010 17:52 - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 414

You deserved it 7 128

10/01/2015 14:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 661

You deserved it 22 239

09/02/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 18 636

27/06/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 672

You deserved it 3 420

03/03/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 108

You deserved it 2 554

Adding insult to injury

By lol - 23/07/2021 05:59

Today, my boss fired me. Then later on Facebook, his public status was, "Finally fired the sumo wrestler!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 79

28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Spicy

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 992

You deserved it 3 601

29/12/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, six months have passed since my parents announced that they're getting a divorce. We're all still awkwardly living together because we haven't been able to sell our house yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 922

You deserved it 2 499

26/09/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 447

You deserved it 4 175

08/11/2014 22:49 - Portugal

Today, my anxiety got so bad that when I stole a sword in Skyrim and resisted arrest, I had a full-on panic attack as I ran away. I ended up curling up on the sofa as my character got hacked to death on the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 845

You deserved it 8 771

16/07/2015 17:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked nice in my profile picture. I began to reply "Aww, thank you!" until he sent another message saying "Mostly because your face isn't in it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 483

You deserved it 2 871

02/07/2009 04:34 - New Zealand

Today, at school I was sitting with a friend outside, talking about irregular periods and unshaven legs. Ten minutes into the conversation, a teacher sticks her head out the window above us and tells us to leave. We were distracting a classroom who were trying to finish a test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 910

You deserved it 22 359

03/08/2013 21:57 - Sweden

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 182

You deserved it 9 587

08/12/2010 10:30 - Germany

Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 087

You deserved it 2 704

01/11/2010 13:14 - United States

Today, I spent over $160 and 2 hours preparing for a Halloween party I was throwing. The only person who showed up was my sister, who helped me decorate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 067

You deserved it 4 298

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Southampton

Today, I lost keys to my car, studio, house, and a storage unit in a busy city park with no chance of recovering them after searching for hours. I have to cancel work and my car is going to be towed because of street sweeping. O, woe is me! Send a prayer and Love and perhaps my keys by carrier pigeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 200

06/06/2013 04:13 - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 179

You deserved it 3 520

29/11/2014 16:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 223

You deserved it 5 709

15/09/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 421

You deserved it 2 137

13/02/2017 22:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 806

You deserved it 521

Office embarrassment

By mog - 07/11/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, the girl who works at the liquor store came to where I work. She recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 844

04/08/2013 16:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 738

You deserved it 8 854

27/06/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 3 991

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

By notatherapist - 01/10/2014 23:08 - Netherlands - Huizen

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 396

You deserved it 6 296

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Thursday 22 October 2009 1:25

he might be talking bout his past girlfriends 0:

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:50

No 5, WOW. That's a really sad view of marriage... When I get married it will be because I love my husband more than my own life. I hope someday you'll did that kind of real happiness, not the cheap pleasure that comes from one night stands.

Comments

pyroanarchist23 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 1:23

wow, lets hope you werent going out for too long lol otherwise your an idiot first?

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:36

How is she an idiot?

JazzHandsFML 28

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Monday 2 March 2015 15:41

Every Time ever on fml someone calls someone an idiot but says "your an idiot" you're* as in you're a dumbass

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Thursday 22 October 2009 1:25

he might be talking bout his past girlfriends 0:

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Thursday 10 January 2013 6:18

That's what I originally assumed

TriniRockStar 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 1:55

well that relationship is over

Superawesomestev 0

Thursday 22 October 2009 2:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

cookiemonster17 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 18:52

ah-greed

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 5:28

Dude, I really wish you could take replies off. That reply is the most insulting thing I have ever read.

amandajlucas2015 2

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Thursday 10 May 2012 5:10

I disagree marriage is not a joke and some people actually want to get married for the right reasons

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 7:21

Me and the rest of the world don't think marriage is a joke and it hasn't been for hundreds of years.

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Saturday 10 November 2012 9:39

How is it a joke at all? You marry the person you love to show how much you love them and that you want to spend the rest of your life by their side. You get a nice ring, have a beautiful ceremony, the bride gets a nice dress, and a life partner.

burnforeternity 30

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Friday 14 October 2016 1:18

No it really isn't. The institution is meant to be a mutual love between a man and a woman. Since you can't see that, I pity you.

TAST3MYRAINB00Wx 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:23

FYL tell his wife he deserves it ps ~ stop attrqcting married men lolp

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:26

Well, her name is busted. So I'm assuming she is married too. So YDI HDI. Your partners should hook up and leave both of you.

pyroanarchist23 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:41

it could be in reference to him being "busted"

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:50

No 5, WOW. That's a really sad view of marriage... When I get married it will be because I love my husband more than my own life. I hope someday you'll did that kind of real happiness, not the cheap pleasure that comes from one night stands.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 10:56

thankyou for that amazing story, want to tell it again?

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Thursday 13 January 2011 1:09

i agree! (not to the guy below me. you) ur a wise person n i n v u

KagamineLen_fml 0

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Wednesday 13 April 2011 14:58

aw you marry for love? who does that in this day and age? lol

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Wednesday 29 June 2011 17:25

Lol 10 is right, you other opinions are are living with your genitalia in your head.

IceCream53423 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 3:17

does nobody think he mightve been joking?

perdix 29

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Thursday 22 October 2009 3:21

I don't get why he would roll off her. If he is cheating on his wife, why would he care if she were single or cheating on her husband? Unless, of course, he's afraid of getting his ass kicked by a jealous husband. In that case, he should have calmly finished the deed and never called her again.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 247

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 69