Miscellaneous: Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel... - FML

09/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 856

You deserved it 42 397

Empathy lives

Sorry…

Great quality control

23/12/2015 15:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 042

You deserved it 1 819

22/03/2016 20:23 - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 529

You deserved it 3 149

08/06/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 839

You deserved it 4 292

19/01/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 660

You deserved it 2 919

Ghost in the machine

By smdh - 22/10/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 600

You deserved it 1 774

11/10/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 924

You deserved it 4 088

01/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 243

You deserved it 4 389

Urges

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 04:01

Today, I accidentally bought chicken fingers. I couldn't even make it two days as a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 836

21/02/2010 11:58 - New Zealand

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 980

You deserved it 47 873

04/09/2011 04:16 - United States

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty, when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here." from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 554

You deserved it 7 993

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

By jenni - 06/04/2021 20:00

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 967

Cut her off

By psychobunnycutie - 29/01/2021 14:02

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 67

26/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 949

You deserved it 4 059

Too late

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 13:31 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 307

You deserved it 2 776

08/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 110

You deserved it 453

Sex work is work

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 22:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 112

You deserved it 29 383

26/09/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 212

You deserved it 75 389

15/12/2009 08:50 - United States

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 759

You deserved it 3 281

27/12/2011 15:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 696

You deserved it 7 250

15/03/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 766

You deserved it 2 713

04/08/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 826

You deserved it 7 156

13/08/2015 14:54 - United States - New York

Today, I had to ride in the back seat of a car, next to a large, hyperactive dog who experiences nervous bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 450

You deserved it 1 643

03/07/2012 19:56 - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 479

You deserved it 9 703

Tracked

By bitch - 27/08/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 708

12/03/2013 00:21 - France - Versailles

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 612

You deserved it 56 362

10/05/2011 16:37 - Singapore

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 427

You deserved it 7 684

05/01/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 340

You deserved it 2 406

17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 782

You deserved it 4 682

25/11/2011 16:24 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 047

You deserved it 2 473

23/01/2011 05:32 - Canada

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 5 310

15/06/2016 06:18 - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 167

You deserved it 1 010

09/03/2015 05:44 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, I applied for a job at a local store. As I walked out the door, I heard the manager read it out loud and everybody else laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 450

You deserved it 2 661

11/03/2015 00:19 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 735

You deserved it 3 718

27/04/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 747

You deserved it 4 589

16/10/2010 04:17 - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 646

You deserved it 4 005

20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 862

You deserved it 7 593

08/07/2009 07:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 580

You deserved it 9 016

02/07/2012 17:44 - Austria - Mils

Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 035

You deserved it 2 021

14/05/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 365

You deserved it 3 501

20/11/2012 06:47 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 605

You deserved it 3 414

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:32

finally, im not the only person in america who has that shirt

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Saturday 9 January 2010 14:06

Well, you should have been protecting your nuts.

Comments

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:32

wow ... now that was interesting ... :P

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Saturday 9 January 2010 14:40

OP, YDI for saying proceeded.

crazymoinkeyyyy 0

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Saturday 9 January 2010 18:41

i have that same shirt

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Saturday 9 January 2010 21:38

dad win!

brutallyhonest24 0

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Saturday 9 January 2010 21:47

@ 13 he didnt say proceeded you moron -.-, and fyl, its not like when you wear a shirt like that you think about that joke every second of every day you wear it.

danyfuckinheatle 0

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Wednesday 30 June 2010 8:13

ouch haha. and 13 your fucking retarded.

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Wednesday 21 July 2010 22:22

13 youre an idiot. and proceeded is a transitional word in enlish, so get used to it

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Thursday 12 August 2010 12:55

win

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Monday 30 May 2011 5:00

your dad is funny :)

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:32

finally, im not the only person in america who has that shirt

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:38

lolz ...

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Saturday 9 January 2010 16:56

and now i want it! xD

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Saturday 9 January 2010 17:31

My brother has it too.

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Monday 15 August 2011 9:21

I have it also and so does my grandpa

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:33

That sucks, my dad wouldnt even get the shirt, though. FYL but YDI for not backing up what your shirt said. Jk jk!

seven_to_twelve 3

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:34

Your dad's kind of a jerk.

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Saturday 9 January 2010 12:56

Sounds like someone takes things too literal. Hope you were able to recover well.

Shadow_Phantom 26

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:21

My dad has that shirt...

GiRIsMakingCupca 0

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:40

that shirt sounds AwEsOm where did u get it ( 4 my brother:) )lol

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Saturday 9 January 2010 13:40

You deserve it for wearing a shirt with a squirrel on it

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Saturday 9 January 2010 14:02

Fyl for having a jerk dad like that...I dont care what ANYONE says, no one deserves to get it straight in the family jewels!

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Saturday 9 January 2010 14:06

Well, you should have been protecting your nuts.

Six_and_the_Moon 3

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Sunday 10 January 2010 12:01

This

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148

You deserved it 32

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 333

You deserved it 103