Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper...

By Username - 23/12/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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Miscellaneous

Trust

Never flip flop and drive

Workaholic

By huh? - 28/9/2020 05:02 - United States

It is weird

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2017 19:00

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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By justgivemethed - 25/4/2013 07:55 - United States - Westminster

Today, I was tutoring a band member. Whenever I ask him to play a D or any D scale, he stops just to snicker and say, "Ha ha. D." He still sucks. I hate his guts. FML

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By virginwhore - 18/1/2015 06:29

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2017 14:30

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By blow away - 28/7/2014 04:36 - United States - Middletown

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By justinherass - 28/3/2009 05:43 - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - 10/9/2018 19:30 - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By tiffylueg - 21/6/2016 13:38

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By chellegbelle - 14/5/2014 21:46 - United States - Graham

Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 07:01 - United States

Today, I actually considered my boyfriend romantic and deserving of an award when he didn't fart after sex. FML

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By pdnne - 12/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - 25/2/2016 22:41 - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2017 06:00

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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By collegestudent - 1/6/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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By MIG2204 - 15/4/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

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By vhtdgjj - 29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

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By User06606 - 29/9/2009 11:31 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

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By screwed - 8/2/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By soo - 2/7/2015 20:25

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 06:56 - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

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By lucy_g - 2/11/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

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By Gullible - 25/2/2013 06:10 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 22:00

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 18:22 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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By FallCameEarly - 27/2/2014 06:21 - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 01:17 - Australia

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By slenderman908 - 10/12/2012 11:41 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

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By JustLeaveThem - 25/1/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By Big_gulps_huh - 28/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 18:30

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By syle - 13/11/2008 06:51 - France

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 05:13 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

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Top comments

By Sopa2010 | 0

#1883733 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

His chest must be scary

By DahkLohd | 4

#1883736 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

Badass dad you've got there.

COMMENTS

By Sopa2010 | 0

#1883733 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

His chest must be scary

ScreamAimFire | 0

#1883964 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:44

maybe he had lady gaga man boobs and he was ready to start a show!

fakeaccountX | 6

#1884022 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:59

At least it wasn't your GRANDdad!

Florence_ | 0

#1884270 - Thursday 23 December 2010 20:57

Is Davy Jones OP's father?

summersizzle | 0

#1884316 - Thursday 23 December 2010 21:18

Gibby!!!!!!

WishResign | 0

#1884840 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:54

46 haha that fat kid is crazy

OP your dad would have been an auto-tune-bound hit on YouTube. YDI for not recording it proudly & making millions from it from all the annoying ads that you could put on it. Then disowning your father after making enough to move out. He gave you a golden opportunity.

jewban | 3

#1885202 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:17

hmm it sounds like something Steven from the 'greatest freakout ever' videos would do.

TurboTalon | 0

#1885938 - Friday 24 December 2010 12:15

Hulk Hogan

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#1887568 - Friday 24 December 2010 22:44

Is there any chance you are Carrie Heffernan and your father is Arthur Spooner?

Sopa2010 | 0

#1890286 - Saturday 25 December 2010 15:28

I'm Peter Chao

chao outside, mudafuckaaaa

Filipwnage | 0

#1893299 - Sunday 26 December 2011 16:50

92, Umm, I don't think Peter Chao says that... He says "Chao sign mothuh fuckuhh"

By DahkLohd | 4

#1883736 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

Badass dad you've got there.

xXDubbleChic | 11

#1884279 - Thursday 23 December 2010 20:59

agreed

Daileyyy | 0

#1884714 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:18

agreed with 2.

emodude44 | 0

#1885016 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:02

Voldy be speaking da TRUTH

riseagainst8767x | 0

#1885305 - Friday 24 December 2010 8:18

xXdoublechic-is it just me or did you draw a stick-man on your tongue?

Dillon000 | 3

#1885809 - Friday 24 December 2010 11:32

dahklohds pic always brings a smile to my face :]

smlz4me | 1

#2390366 - Saturday 23 April 2011 1:35

agreed!! I Harry Potter addict

guitarbeast | 22

#4139722 - Friday 9 March 2012 5:08

Haha such a will ferrel move

By iampunk | 0

#1883742 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

That's reasonable.

supertacowaffle | 41

#2134342 - Monday 28 February 2011 22:33

Canadians...

Roxanne090 | 0

#2332975 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 0:34

Americans

dlrowehtkcuf | 7

#3098289 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:28

Humans

By mikejunior88 | 4

#1883744 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

lmfao

By amerwin | 3

#1883749 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:07

I guess that's the modern form of a glove-slap.

Fentown_fml | 4

#1884368 - Thursday 23 December 2010 21:35

We've come a long way.

By hairt | 4

#1883769 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

too hot to handle hahaha

By Angio113 | 10

#1883773 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

Wow. that made my day, that's hilarious! XD Sorry about the embarrassing dad though.

By someunluckyman | 0

#1883776 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

theres nothing more intimidating than a screaming shirtless man.

hardboard82 | 0

#1884473 - Thursday 23 December 2010 22:28

Or a Sasquatch...

By perdix | 29

#1883780 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:10

Nothing says "Fuck you" like the sudden emergence of hairy manboobs!

iknowimawesome | 13

#1885045 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:38

This literally made me LOL.

Xylus | 0

#1885620 - Friday 24 December 2010 10:09

.......Awesome.....

TylerOMFG | 7

#3473327 - Saturday 22 October 2011 23:25

Very great comment almighty Perdix.

By blo0_starZz | 0

#1883791 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:12

Your dad.
He's awesome. Chyeahh.

Trade? :D

It is weird

*recoils in horror*

recoils in horror