Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper...

By Username - 23/12/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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Miscellaneous

All in the family

Call CPS!

Does it taste good?

By Nikse - 29/7/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

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By FuckfaceSteve - 1/2/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/7/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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By time to lawyer up - 20/2/2014 21:20 - United States - Forney

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

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By Jong - 10/3/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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By Julie - 25/12/2012 03:20 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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By fmlsheffgirl - 25/7/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

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By nickcedola40 - 4/4/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By Fwick - 19/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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By bluemonday - 17/4/2009 11:47 - Canada

Today, I was having a dream that I was climbing out of a well. While almost out, I felt someone grab my knee; I screamed loud in terror. When I opened my eyes, nearly 25 people were staring at me. The lady across from me apologized for hitting me with her bag. I was on the C-train. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2015 16:56 - Netherlands - Gennep

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 02:00

Today, I learned there are people who will beat you up if you don't give them your spot on a bench. FML

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By MC - 14/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By Jack - 30/11/2010 08:48

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2019 18:00

No feeling - Just conversation

Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML

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By zks - 24/3/2011 08:53

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By whatthewoah - 2/9/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 18:03

Protip

Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML

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By valarmorgoolies - 6/2/2015 18:51 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

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By notalovestory - 11/11/2012 22:48 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By emm - 18/3/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

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By meowitzer - 22/4/2020 05:02

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By carpusher - 12/4/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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By therealducktape - 20/8/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I got back from a two week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my room mate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2010 17:12 - Canada

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

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By RoyallyGrossedOut - 19/6/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't been to the dentist in two years and definitely doesn't plan on it because, "That's just how the government steals more money." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2017 10:00 - China - Chengdu

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By supergirl7 - 27/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - 6/5/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

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By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - 16/7/2015 19:22 - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By Gem - 11/2/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2013 16:56 - United States

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

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By ifyouseekmylife - 25/10/2009 15:44 - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

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By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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Top comments

By Sopa2010 | 0

#1883733 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

His chest must be scary

By DahkLohd | 4

#1883736 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

Badass dad you've got there.

Comments

By Sopa2010 | 0

#1883733 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

His chest must be scary

ScreamAimFire | 0

#1883964 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:44

maybe he had lady gaga man boobs and he was ready to start a show!

fakeaccountX | 6

#1884022 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:59

At least it wasn't your GRANDdad!

Florence_ | 0

#1884270 - Thursday 23 December 2010 20:57

Is Davy Jones OP's father?

summersizzle | 0

#1884316 - Thursday 23 December 2010 21:18

Gibby!!!!!!

WishResign | 0

#1884840 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:54

46 haha that fat kid is crazy

OP your dad would have been an auto-tune-bound hit on YouTube. YDI for not recording it proudly & making millions from it from all the annoying ads that you could put on it. Then disowning your father after making enough to move out. He gave you a golden opportunity.

jewban | 3

#1885202 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:17

hmm it sounds like something Steven from the 'greatest freakout ever' videos would do.

TurboTalon | 0

#1885938 - Friday 24 December 2010 12:15

Hulk Hogan

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#1887568 - Friday 24 December 2010 22:44

Is there any chance you are Carrie Heffernan and your father is Arthur Spooner?

Sopa2010 | 0

#1890286 - Saturday 25 December 2010 15:28

I'm Peter Chao

chao outside, mudafuckaaaa

Filipwnage | 0

#1893299 - Sunday 26 December 2011 16:50

92, Umm, I don't think Peter Chao says that... He says "Chao sign mothuh fuckuhh"

By DahkLohd | 4

#1883736 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

Badass dad you've got there.

xXDubbleChic | 11

#1884279 - Thursday 23 December 2010 20:59

agreed

Daileyyy | 0

#1884714 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:18

agreed with 2.

emodude44 | 0

#1885016 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:02

Voldy be speaking da TRUTH

riseagainst8767x | 0

#1885305 - Friday 24 December 2010 8:18

xXdoublechic-is it just me or did you draw a stick-man on your tongue?

Dillon000 | 3

#1885809 - Friday 24 December 2010 11:32

dahklohds pic always brings a smile to my face :]

smlz4me | 1

#2390366 - Saturday 23 April 2011 1:35

agreed!! I Harry Potter addict

guitarbeast | 22

#4139722 - Friday 9 March 2012 5:08

Haha such a will ferrel move

By iampunk | 0

#1883742 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

That's reasonable.

supertacowaffle | 41

#2134342 - Monday 28 February 2011 22:33

Canadians...

Roxanne090 | 0

#2332975 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 0:34

Americans

dlrowehtkcuf | 7

#3098289 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:28

Humans

By mikejunior88 | 4

#1883744 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:06

lmfao

By amerwin | 3

#1883749 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:07

I guess that's the modern form of a glove-slap.

Fentown_fml | 4

#1884368 - Thursday 23 December 2010 21:35

We've come a long way.

By hairt | 4

#1883769 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

too hot to handle hahaha

By Angio113 | 10

#1883773 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

Wow. that made my day, that's hilarious! XD Sorry about the embarrassing dad though.

By someunluckyman | 0

#1883776 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:09

theres nothing more intimidating than a screaming shirtless man.

hardboard82 | 0

#1884473 - Thursday 23 December 2010 22:28

Or a Sasquatch...

By perdix | 29

#1883780 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:10

Nothing says "Fuck you" like the sudden emergence of hairy manboobs!

iknowimawesome | 13

#1885045 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:38

This literally made me LOL.

Xylus | 0

#1885620 - Friday 24 December 2010 10:09

.......Awesome.....

TylerOMFG | 7

#3473327 - Saturday 22 October 2011 23:25

Very great comment almighty Perdix.

By blo0_starZz | 0

#1883791 - Thursday 23 December 2010 19:12

Your dad.
He's awesome. Chyeahh.

Trade? :D