Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML
Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML
Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML
Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML
Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML
Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML
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Top comments
Docbee 11
You're lucky he wanted your money and not the other type of booty
Redoxx_fml 22
Why is the rum always gone?
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Comments (132)
eBall07 2
Maybe he didn't want your money... But your actual booty
MyNameIsTatum 0
What is £?
Lady_Bee_fml 13
Oh for heaven's sake, really?
stitesy29 18
Umm its spelled cologne Not colon Colon is where food turns into shit
mnaqvi 0
Should've kicked him in his balls
amanrific 1
Was it played perfectly by Johnny Depp?
yellow_jello 3
It's Captain Jack Sparrow
unicodndevil42 0
I hope you mean cologne as in a scented fluid men use and not a colon as in an internal organ or a sign used to show a big division in a sentence (just to let you know I'm 13 and i know the difference).
MisUnFortunate 31
Pretty sure OP meant "colon"
HunternCole52 0
That's Captain Jack Sparrow you uneducated ****.
hiwazup_24 4
WHY THE HELL WHERE U CARRYING 100 POUNDS AROUND
Utterly_Confused 26
"There should be a 'Captain' in there somewhere." -Captain Jack Sparrow