Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark.... - FML

By Eyesore - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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Misheard

Monetize your shit life

Deadly cocktail

By John - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

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By ChelseaRae - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By britt71411 - United States

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

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By kysier - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By DMO - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

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By owmyballs - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML

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By Idle_Twin - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

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By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By jamerz

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

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By bs_happens - United States

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

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By bananamuffin - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

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By Aus - United States

Today, I received a text from the guy I'm into, thanking me for helping him drunkenly stumble back to his apartment last night. He ended it with, "How long did you stay?" Apparently, he doesn't remember confessing his secret love for me, or the fantastic kiss that followed. FML

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By Cococautly - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

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By monkeylover996 - United States

Today, I had my 7 month check up for my pregnancy. The nurse weighed me and said, "I see you've gotten into the Halloween candy." FML

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By Gigi - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

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By The Rock's arse - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I hit rock bottom; I watched one of those shitty infomercial channels, without even being forced into it at gunpoint. Even worse is that I practically creamed myself over a damn fruit juicer, all because it was 50% off and I could actually afford it. FML

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By nootnoot - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By dammit hearing aid - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML

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By sadcat - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

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By vey - China - Beijing

Today, and for the third time this week, I found a pubic hair in my soup. I'm currently bed-ridden and can't afford to piss off my boyfriend by complaining. FML

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By Ricky - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

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By Mahomie123 - United States

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

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By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Female - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By shitty day - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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Top comments

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#117602 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:24

What is mace? Like pepper spray? I'm assuming it's not the spiky club I'm thinking of, lol.

By SarahB0184 | 0

#117586 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:21

Well, I guess you showed your "attacker" lol. I hope the mace was not too bad though. =)

COMMENTS

By disgustingroomie | 0

#117582 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:20

ouch

WHOOP first

By pommeblossom | 0

#117583 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:21

Aw man :/

Reply

junkboy | 4

#1041960 - Thursday 24 June 2010 23:15

I hate paranoid people so much... They are just a special breed of stupid people, whom I also hate... xD

Reply

supersailor32 | 0

#2400929 - Monday 25 April 2011 5:04

I laughed so hard!!!! XD

Reply

clojo1112 | 0

#2638130 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:46

at least you got the right person?

By SarahB0184 | 0

#117586 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:21

Well, I guess you showed your "attacker" lol. I hope the mace was not too bad though. =)

By Kozzy333 | 0

#117587 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:21

Overly paranoid. I got mugged by three huge guys and I am not that paranoid. Just take it easy next time.

By castnerinho | 0

#117588 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:22

why the fuck were you carrying a mace in the first place

Reply

apfunction | 0

#818064 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 7:22

#5=win

Reply

RougeRamirez | 8

#3878764 - Friday 13 January 2012 20:42

They meant 'mace' as in 'pepper spray' not the medieval weapon

Reply

gionatorinc | 5

#4644870 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 6:34

aaaahh, that makes a bit more sense..

By abcdefghayley | 0

#117590 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:22

well that sucks.
but i get really paranoid too, hah

By iryna | 0

#117594 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:23

#4.
maybe that's why you got attacked by three huge guys.
Better safe than sorry.

Reply

westzac | 7

#5932993 - Friday 2 May 2014 19:27

Well she was trying to be safe and she ended up sorry

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#117602 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:24

What is mace? Like pepper spray? I'm assuming it's not the spiky club I'm thinking of, lol.

Reply

Meel_fml | 2

#1548076 - Thursday 14 October 2010 21:50

yea execpt worse

Reply

pokerface71 | 14

#5966364 - Friday 6 June 2014 1:23

That's what I first thought of, was confused at first.

By Kozzy333 | 0

#117607 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:25

#7
As a 16 year old boy, carrying mace would be a bit much.

By noName123456 | 0

#117625 - Friday 17 April 2009 1:28

ya mace is like pepper spray and ydi for being so paronoid not everyone is out to get you what if it had been a friend just trying to mess with you

Reply

TheDarkCynder | 2

#4109043 - Thursday 1 March 2012 4:32

Paranoia is a disorder. I don't see how OP deserves something that is a result of a disorder.