Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the... - FML

By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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The best cat

White line fever

DINOSAURS!!

By JhKhS - 14/9/2009 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I just came back from the vet. I spent a lot of money on a pet tortoise at the local pet store and it didn't come out of its shell when I bought it. The owner just said it sleeps in the day and it'll be shy for a week or so. Turns out it was dead. FML

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By shea234 - 20/2/2012 16:19 - United States

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 10:02 - Australia

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

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By bobin - 29/8/2011 17:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - 25/1/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By BrianTheLion89 - 6/6/2012 21:37 - United States

Great story, tell it again!

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

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By ScaryBears - 9/10/2012 01:51 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 12:00

Today, I learned that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend that he hid from me. I found this out when she attacked me. FML

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By ripmyphone - 13/1/2016 01:18 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

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By teacher - 7/9/2014 21:05 - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By You Wish - 7/3/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By Prometheus - 24/3/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By ugh - 12/11/2014 03:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

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By KiwiMaid - 3/6/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

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By motherfuck666 - 18/5/2014 21:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By Lovesickgal - 26/11/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, 3wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By yif2 - 16/5/2015 11:47 - United States

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By lfssecond - 30/5/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

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By wow - 28/5/2014 23:08 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By skygoddess - 28/7/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was at my job as a flight attendant. A passenger on my plane stopped breathing and turned blue. As I cleared his airways and was busy strapping an oxygen mask to his face, the passenger behind him tried to hand me her trash. Apparently I'm a walking trash can, no matter what I'm doing. FML

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By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - 14/8/2017 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 14:34 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

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By Lenny_R - 8/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By SwimmingInFear - 29/5/2012 03:36 - United States - Havertown

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is; it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales and sharks. FML

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By perfectlybrokenx - 24/8/2010 04:21 - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2015 17:42

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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By anon - 3/8/2016 03:28

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that even if you have to go really bad, never burst into a bathroom stall assuming that it's vacant because you don't see any legs underneath. There might be a child in there, who will scream, and whose mother will burst in and start screaming at you for being a "pedo." FML

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By panicked headaches - 7/12/2015 19:04 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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By mama75 - 17/3/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2013 03:14 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I met a guy in a bar. He was sweet and funny so I asked him out for coffee later. He quickly turned me down, saying that I didn't even meet his first requirement. His first requirement was "looks like a girl." FML

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By Closingwild - 21/7/2012 06:18 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - 31/7/2013 22:49 - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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By momoftheyearedition - 9/7/2015 03:13 - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

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By weeks - 19/8/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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Top comments

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

Comments

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

Reply

YeahFMLxX | 0

#794724 - Sunday 24 January 2010 4:23

Paoli is a bitch son!

Reply

kppadgett | 0

#952372 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:05

boy, this is america... the right thing to say is 'get the guns!'

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#1293847 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 9:03

yup
cuz only americans are stupid enough to get guns against termites

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1341256 - Friday 3 September 2010 3:46

Fuckin' stereotypes. Not all americans are gun-toting rednecks.

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2205333 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

i smell a porno coming on o.O

Reply

XxJaydaxX | 3

#3004575 - Saturday 30 July 2011 23:24

not all rednecks are "gun totin"

By donkeyslap | 0

#191114 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:12

That definitely sounds worse than finding a spider in the drain.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1575769 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:44

both are just gross...

Reply

mousepad41 | 0

#2105917 - Monday 21 February 2011 4:39

but he was bathing with HUGE ANTSSS

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

Reply

nazipunksfuckoff | 9

#6296637 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 22:49

*Hallucinogens

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#191129 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:18

One horror movie scenario coming up!

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#975637 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 10:14

Coming soon to a cinema near you...

'ATTACK OF THE KILLER BATHROOM-LURKING ANTS!'

Bathtime will never be the same again...

Reply

43trauts | 14

#2837435 - Thursday 7 July 2011 8:27

Ha, I was just thinking that!

Reply

warsun | 27

#5872405 - Saturday 1 March 2014 11:22

Based on a true story

By Dabamash | 0

#191133 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:20

I would have done the same...and i'm a bloke.

Reply

hilda_kitty | 16

#2962411 - Sunday 24 July 2011 4:12

Bloke? ... Are you English by any chance? =P

By Indiana_fml | 4

#191135 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:22

*rofl* Just last night I played the Flashgame "Neverending Light". It's about a guided tour into a cavern who is then attacked, brutally slaughtered and eaten by giant ant-like creatures. Can't imagine how I would have reacted if this had happened to me right after finishing that game Ô.o

By sportastef | 0

#191143 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:26

OMG I would just about die if that happened. I think a call to the exterminator is apppropriate. I also hope you don't have roommates...

By analeigh_fml | 0

#191145 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:27

I would have done the same thing.

By love_fml | 0

#191146 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:28

OH MY GOD.....

By asttro_boy | 0

#191149 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:30

scary shit!

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#991195 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 6:45

u r not cool