Animals: Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the... - FML

By Karmas3itch - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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Mama's boy

Own it

Do as I say, not as I do

By MIB - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By ihatepizza - United States - Aurora

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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By onwardsandupwards

Need help

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

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By vaylosa

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

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By nonymous human subject - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By Leigha - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By mammasboy - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

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By Flandre

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kerman

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML

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By C45 - Canada

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

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By BFFN - United Kingdom - Glasgow

BFF

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By Josie Stiger

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

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By trex_life - 14/3/2021 20:00

Chill out, Bugs

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

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By Miserableperson

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

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By BatBee - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Monroe

Today, my girlfriend told me that she didn't know we were actually dating. FML

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By Nominome - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By nevergettingajob - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By oh lord - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By Anonymous

Go back to bed, Brad

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By Tigerlily

Today, my cat thanked me for buying her a new litterbox by peeing in all of my plants. FML

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By Rojo

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

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By fuckfuck - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By badmom - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By Ohkourt

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

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By Dx - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By mylifesucks - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

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By Kyle - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 21:30 - United States

Outcast

Today, while looking through the newspaper, I saw that my sister got married a couple weeks ago. Not only did she not invite me, she "forgot" to mention it yesterday while we were having lunch. FML

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Top comments

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

COMMENTS

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

Reply

YeahFMLxX | 0

#794724 - Sunday 24 January 2010 4:23

Paoli is a bitch son!

Reply

kppadgett | 0

#952372 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:05

boy, this is america... the right thing to say is 'get the guns!'

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#1293847 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 9:03

yup
cuz only americans are stupid enough to get guns against termites

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1341256 - Friday 3 September 2010 3:46

Fuckin' stereotypes. Not all americans are gun-toting rednecks.

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2205333 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

i smell a porno coming on o.O

Reply

XxJaydaxX | 3

#3004575 - Saturday 30 July 2011 23:24

not all rednecks are "gun totin"

By donkeyslap | 0

#191114 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:12

That definitely sounds worse than finding a spider in the drain.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1575769 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:44

both are just gross...

Reply

mousepad41 | 0

#2105917 - Monday 21 February 2011 4:39

but he was bathing with HUGE ANTSSS

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

Reply

nazipunksfuckoff | 9

#6296637 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 22:49

*Hallucinogens

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#191129 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:18

One horror movie scenario coming up!

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#975637 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 10:14

Coming soon to a cinema near you...

'ATTACK OF THE KILLER BATHROOM-LURKING ANTS!'

Bathtime will never be the same again...

Reply

43trauts | 14

#2837435 - Thursday 7 July 2011 8:27

Ha, I was just thinking that!

Reply

warsun | 27

#5872405 - Saturday 1 March 2014 11:22

Based on a true story

By Dabamash | 0

#191133 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:20

I would have done the same...and i'm a bloke.

Reply

hilda_kitty | 16

#2962411 - Sunday 24 July 2011 4:12

Bloke? ... Are you English by any chance? =P

By Indiana_fml | 4

#191135 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:22

*rofl* Just last night I played the Flashgame "Neverending Light". It's about a guided tour into a cavern who is then attacked, brutally slaughtered and eaten by giant ant-like creatures. Can't imagine how I would have reacted if this had happened to me right after finishing that game Ô.o

By sportastef | 0

#191143 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:26

OMG I would just about die if that happened. I think a call to the exterminator is apppropriate. I also hope you don't have roommates...

By analeigh_fml | 0

#191145 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:27

I would have done the same thing.

By love_fml | 0

#191146 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:28

OH MY GOD.....

By asttro_boy | 0

#191149 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:30

scary shit!

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#991195 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 6:45

u r not cool