Animals: Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the... - FML

By Karmas3itch - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Stir crazy, part 16

Uninvolved

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Today I got back to my hotel at the same time as my supervisor and realized we had rooms right next to each other. I thought it was funny and said bye to him...only to remember that I had slept with HIS boss last night. We were not quiet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pharr

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

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By ReallyNow - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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By Chelsea - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By Anonymous - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By dating a fucking psycho - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By DormHater - United States

Today, I helped move my current boyfriend into his new dorm room. This would've been fine if I didn't have to do this while avoiding eye contact with my ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be my boyfriend's new roommate. FML

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By yamaha_313 - United States - Wartburg

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By go fuck myself - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

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By Lonelyhopeful

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

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By poormanslucyliu1

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

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By Annoyed - United States - Accokeek

Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML

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By Host grandfather - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By anaph0re - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By Bubbah - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

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By francesa_loca - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By hs - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

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By Tired - 19/9/2020 02:02 - United Stated

Blowin' in the wind

Today, for the third night in a row, I didn't get any sleep, because my neighbor's new dog won't stop barking when the wind blows. Where I live, we get major wind gusts most days of the week. It's going to be another long night. FML

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By rj93 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By trp007 - United States - New Castle

Today, after cleaning my house because I'd thrown a party all weekend while my parents were gone, I still got caught because somebody tried to make beer popsicles with Q-Tips in the ice trays in my freezer. FML

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By Not-so-sexy - United States

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By Maxie-Nathanial - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

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By LetsMakeLove - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By blacktyaffair - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML

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By A girl - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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Top comments

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

COMMENTS

By Theoderage | 3

#191108 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:08

What the hell???
That does suck!

Reply

YeahFMLxX | 0

#794724 - Sunday 24 January 2010 4:23

Paoli is a bitch son!

Reply

kppadgett | 0

#952372 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 4:05

boy, this is america... the right thing to say is 'get the guns!'

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#1293847 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 9:03

yup
cuz only americans are stupid enough to get guns against termites

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1341256 - Friday 3 September 2010 3:46

Fuckin' stereotypes. Not all americans are gun-toting rednecks.

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2205333 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

i smell a porno coming on o.O

Reply

XxJaydaxX | 3

#3004575 - Saturday 30 July 2011 23:24

not all rednecks are "gun totin"

By donkeyslap | 0

#191114 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:12

That definitely sounds worse than finding a spider in the drain.

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1575769 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:44

both are just gross...

Reply

mousepad41 | 0

#2105917 - Monday 21 February 2011 4:39

but he was bathing with HUGE ANTSSS

By Lizzy86 | 0

#191128 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:17

time to lay off the hallucinants dude.

Reply

nazipunksfuckoff | 9

#6296637 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 22:49

*Hallucinogens

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#191129 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:18

One horror movie scenario coming up!

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#975637 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 10:14

Coming soon to a cinema near you...

'ATTACK OF THE KILLER BATHROOM-LURKING ANTS!'

Bathtime will never be the same again...

Reply

43trauts | 14

#2837435 - Thursday 7 July 2011 8:27

Ha, I was just thinking that!

Reply

warsun | 27

#5872405 - Saturday 1 March 2014 11:22

Based on a true story

By Dabamash | 0

#191133 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:20

I would have done the same...and i'm a bloke.

Reply

hilda_kitty | 16

#2962411 - Sunday 24 July 2011 4:12

Bloke? ... Are you English by any chance? =P

By Indiana_fml | 4

#191135 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:22

*rofl* Just last night I played the Flashgame "Neverending Light". It's about a guided tour into a cavern who is then attacked, brutally slaughtered and eaten by giant ant-like creatures. Can't imagine how I would have reacted if this had happened to me right after finishing that game Ô.o

By sportastef | 0

#191143 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:26

OMG I would just about die if that happened. I think a call to the exterminator is apppropriate. I also hope you don't have roommates...

By analeigh_fml | 0

#191145 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:27

I would have done the same thing.

By love_fml | 0

#191146 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:28

OH MY GOD.....

By asttro_boy | 0

#191149 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 12:30

scary shit!

Reply

fattypie101 | 0

#991195 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 6:45

u r not cool