Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten...

By Fykkhttdsetkkhvln - 26/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

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Animals

Clocked

The end of the road

Trip Advisor says no

By Evalynne - 6/4/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

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By Meg93 - 26/6/2019 23:00

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

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By dicksonthebrain - 26/9/2014 13:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

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By LosTits - 3/9/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By Snow-White - 4/7/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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By Noname - 30/1/2009 18:18 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 05:00

Who are you?

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML

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By CyberPsycho - 28/7/2016 16:24 - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By pictureperfect678 - 19/1/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, I was in one of two hot tubs with my dad at a vacation resort, when 3 good looking guys walked into the pool area. My dad moved to the other hot tub so the guys could hang out in the one I was in. They came outside, passed my hot tub, and went into the one my dad just moved into. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 01:14 - Netherlands

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

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By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - 20/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

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By 8 Legs plus 1 - 8/5/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Spider-Maaaaaaan

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

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By V - 23/7/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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By - 19/2/2020 20:00

Just once

Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML

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By badmom - 10/6/2009 18:09 - Canada

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By zuzu - 1/5/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

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By dumped - 5/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

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By NotTellingYouMyName - 28/11/2013 06:26 - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By vat - 25/2/2013 08:33 - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By foreveralone - 21/3/2020 06:00

Spin on this

Today, I had my first kiss. It would have been great if I wasn't playing spin the bottle as a 23-year-old. FML

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By damnit - 11/9/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By beeee - 26/7/2010 04:03 - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By how - 25/7/2013 04:10 - United States - Crozier

Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

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By Dexter_39476 - 24/1/2016 05:40 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2011 05:58 - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

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By granny_panties - 18/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

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By Anon - 23/5/2016 10:49 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

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By dancingqueef - 22/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Kingston

Today, my mom told me to break a leg before performing in my dancing school's show. I really did break part of my leg while performing. FML

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By MileHighGirlGuy - 14/3/2017 14:00

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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By nthor - 11/3/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

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By Dr Pepper - 22/5/2019 18:05

I'm not sad. Or am I?

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

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By LOLOLOLOL - 20/8/2012 08:55 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

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By fucked five ways to friday - 3/1/2013 23:36 - United States - Stayton

Today, someone sent my boss a CD full of documents for an upcoming trial. It's my job to sort through the evidence, so he gave it to me. I looked on the CD. There's only one file; a 1020-page PDF of all the documents we need, and the pages weren't scanned in order. FML

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By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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Top comments

By on_a_boat | 0

#145582 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:10

I sincerely hope that this is a fake : That's just completely terrible :(

By altna | 4

#145600 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

That's just enormous amount of pure fail. You fall asleep while you should be looking after their kids AND you kill their kitten. I hope you don't do this regularly.

COMMENTS

By evanescence_fml | 7

#145576 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:09

oh no!!!

By on_a_boat | 0

#145582 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:10

I sincerely hope that this is a fake : That's just completely terrible :(

By grazynaanka | 0

#145589 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:11

That is freaking horrible.

By Luckster | 0

#145593 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:12

4 weeks!? I thought kittens had to be older than that before being adopted by people.

By McA513M | 0

#145597 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

OMG, that's just sick dude. Just sick.

But if it's true... FYL indeed!!

*Sorry to hear about the cat though, such a shame, to die so young. :'(

By FBIWarning | 0

#145598 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Fake imo.

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7660897 - Friday 13 July 2018 17:52

Dick

By NickAlert | 1

#145599 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By altna | 4

#145600 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

That's just enormous amount of pure fail. You fall asleep while you should be looking after their kids AND you kill their kitten. I hope you don't do this regularly.

By rabidhatter | 0

#145601 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Better you learn that now than when it's your kid.

By Gorillazbmx6 | 0

#145602 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Thats terrible D: