Animals: Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten...

By Fykkhttdsetkkhvln - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

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Animals

Cold-blooded old times

Zoomers zooming

Night terrors

By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By katiebell

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Yikes!

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Right place, wrong time

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By fire1 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

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By jeffnn - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

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By Anonymous

Phones, how do they work?!

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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By lowly101

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

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By housedoctor - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was glad to find out that all the bedbugs have been eaten. Now I have a spider infestation. FML

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By bobo - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

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By HotToTrotskyite - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

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By Anonymous

Hey Scratchy!

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By cough - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By distracted - Australia - Pymble

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By dntstopmenow - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

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By mynameislor - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

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By robbedonCTA - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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Top comments

By on_a_boat | 0

#145582 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:10

I sincerely hope that this is a fake : That's just completely terrible :(

By altna | 4

#145600 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

That's just enormous amount of pure fail. You fall asleep while you should be looking after their kids AND you kill their kitten. I hope you don't do this regularly.

COMMENTS

By evanescence_fml | 7

#145576 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:09

oh no!!!

By on_a_boat | 0

#145582 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:10

I sincerely hope that this is a fake : That's just completely terrible :(

By grazynaanka | 0

#145589 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:11

That is freaking horrible.

By Luckster | 0

#145593 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:12

4 weeks!? I thought kittens had to be older than that before being adopted by people.

By McA513M | 0

#145597 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

OMG, that's just sick dude. Just sick.

But if it's true... FYL indeed!!

*Sorry to hear about the cat though, such a shame, to die so young. :'(

By FBIWarning | 0

#145598 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Fake imo.

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7660897 - Friday 13 July 2018 17:52

Dick

By NickAlert | 1

#145599 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By altna | 4

#145600 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

That's just enormous amount of pure fail. You fall asleep while you should be looking after their kids AND you kill their kitten. I hope you don't do this regularly.

By rabidhatter | 0

#145601 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Better you learn that now than when it's your kid.

By Gorillazbmx6 | 0

#145602 - Sunday 26 April 2009 23:13

Thats terrible D: