Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close... - FML

By beriles - 15/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

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Serious times

Breaking Badly

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By notasgood - 12/1/2010 23:54 - United States

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By mel - 30/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By Chedder - 26/6/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By ANON - 18/3/2016 16:04 - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

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By girlsx2mom - 31/8/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 23:05 - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By Samuel - 21/5/2010 19:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 14:00

Today, I was at a waterpark with my friends, waiting in line for about 45 minutes to go on the biggest ride there. When it was finally our turn, the lifeguard at the top pulled me over and measured me to see if I was tall enough. I wasn't. FML

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By Okay_Then - 1/1/2014 23:49 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML

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By anonymous - 9/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML

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By Srain - 7/1/2010 06:36 - Australia

Today, feeling confident, I asked my boyfriend what he thought of my new body, since I had lost 16 kilos over the past month. He told me that he missed the old me and wanted me to gain weight again. My boyfriend was the one that encouraged me to lose weight in the first place. FML

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By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By why? - 17/8/2020 14:02

No imagination

Today, I found out from my first cousin whose teenage daughter is pregnant that she has chosen to name her child after mine. I would be okay with this, if it weren’t the same first name, and if they weren’t just a couple of years apart. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2010 14:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, of a year, got drunk and called me flat chested then said the reason he won't have sex with me anymore is because he is "used" to me. He said all of this in front of his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 15:30

Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - 21/5/2014 21:23 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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By Isabell - 6/2/2010 05:31 - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By LonelySanta - 24/12/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 02:00

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

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By FlamedOut - 23/4/2017 22:00

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By Lisa - 24/4/2020 05:00

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By Itsnotmeitsyou - 11/10/2013 06:09 - Australia

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

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By hlewrn - 22/6/2016 01:52 - United States - Centreville

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

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By bumpyroad - 17/4/2011 14:29 - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 12:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 02:55 - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

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By jesuschrist - 22/3/2020 00:30

They'll go at night

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 16:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By canadiankc - 4/6/2009 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By Megan - 19/3/2018 01:30

Weren't there two girls?

Today, I was at my boyfriend's in a back room that wasn’t connected to the main house. I really had to pee, but neither of us wanted to go into the house, so he told me to just go outside in a cup. I ended up having diarrhea in a cup in my boyfriend's backyard. FML

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By Windstar - 7/4/2009 07:32 - Canada

Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML

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By vhtdgjj - 29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

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By poordog - 5/1/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, and on the way back was rear ended in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775939 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

By mopar383 | 0

#776123 - Friday 15 January 2010 15:27

I'm a country boy and if anyone passes anything we never think twice about it. As a matter a fact we find it as a turn on when ours gals aren't afraid of something natural

COMMENTS

By HahAboy95 | 0

#775904 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:13

Applause!

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1306987 - Friday 27 August 2010 7:00

you should have been like "I'd give that a 7"

Reply

InsidiousChild | 0

#2361314 - Sunday 17 April 2011 6:39

Should of just laughed it off.

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#5786645 - Tuesday 10 December 2013 9:43

I would have thought that was awesome!

By Disbelief1 | 0

#775913 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

Did he applaud you? Second

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775922 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:24

would have been better if u puked in your mouth

By ActionManly | 11

#775938 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Not an FML, this is just nice.

By null_fml | 11

#775939 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

Reply

hitotsune26 | 2

#3955312 - Saturday 28 January 2012 7:35

#5 is wrong. I'm a guy and I like when girls burp. No not a fetish, it just shows me how comfortable they are.

Reply

pixigem | 15

#6208930 - Saturday 21 February 2015 20:26

#5 burping is natural, calm down.
I don't think guys will necessarily make a grande deal of it.

Reply

sammy18f | 9

#6336435 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 15:33

I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. smh.

By 24788 | 6

#775946 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:42

Yawn... this isn't an fml. It's not attractive, but most men don't really care.

By marycharles | 0

#775978 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:08

this is not an fml. who the hell cares if u burp?

By iltby | 3

#776020 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:41

Oh no, what a terrible life you have.

By catatonicsleep | 17

#776035 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:56

its just a burp, if he doesn't like you just because you burped he's not worth worrying about.

Reply

blocparty | 0

#1942209 - Saturday 8 January 2011 10:12

Whats the book called you have as a profile picture?

By happypapp12 | 0

#776041 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:03

Finally I have reached number one! I have waited days, weeks, months! Finally my time to be at the top of the list is finally here!!! I would like to thank fml and the people at fml for being here for this truly wonderful moment in history! Thankyou all and goodnight.