Love: Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

15/01/2010 05:25

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 094

You deserved it 8 412

Coherence dude, do you have it?

There's no helping some people

Our house, in the middle of our street

14/02/2010 00:29

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 169

You deserved it 6 902

15/08/2016 08:11

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 216

You deserved it 2 770

04/01/2010 17:52

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 896

You deserved it 3 967

27/03/2009 05:12

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 632

You deserved it 9 283

01/02/2015 18:48

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 344

You deserved it 3 851

08/06/2014 15:10

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 708

You deserved it 6 833

28/08/2012 16:56

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 850

You deserved it 1 992

25/01/2013 00:28

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 490

You deserved it 3 030

25/07/2009 04:17

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 196

You deserved it 3 659

Communication

By ohyaknow - 30/09/2010 09:56

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 37 465

13/06/2009 01:47

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 829

You deserved it 78 096

17/03/2014 21:48

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 104

You deserved it 5 458

Lockdown blues

By Sed4life - 12/03/2021 05:01

Today, I realized just how small and boring my life has become when the highlight of my week was an "epic quest" to the edge of the lockdown limit, to visit the only store with my favorite toothpaste. They didn't even have any in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 118

12/09/2014 14:32

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 546

You deserved it 45 591

31/12/2013 11:30

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 884

You deserved it 14 932

Scooby snacks?

By DogStew - 12/09/2019 18:00

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 230

Stuck in TV Hell

By Anonymous - 29/03/2020 23:00

Today, I'm self isolating with a mother who hogs the remote but doesn't know how to use it, and is so short-sighted she can barely see the TV. Every five minutes, I hear, "What have I done now?", "How have I got onto this then?" and she won't let me help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 176

20/03/2012 09:47

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 032

You deserved it 49 251

31/01/2010 05:06

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months asked me to spend the night at his apartment for the first time. I had to poop really bad when I got there, so I used his only bathroom. He went after me, and came out a few seconds later, gagging. Apparently, I clogged his toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 996

You deserved it 7 003

19/05/2015 20:58

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 840

You deserved it 9 248

17/12/2009 16:34

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 057

You deserved it 37 166

16/03/2016 14:51

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 208

You deserved it 1 301

10/08/2010 02:29

Today, my mom signed me up for Weight Watchers as a surprise birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 608

You deserved it 11 486

29/10/2012 18:42

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 857

You deserved it 2 243

05/09/2009 23:41

Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 550

You deserved it 8 967

05/02/2013 18:59

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 920

You deserved it 4 202

Great comparaison, dude

By Betrayed - 14/10/2021 22:59

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement when my doctor told me that I was infertile. Apparently, I’m now “useless” to him. When I mentioned adoption, he basically compared it to suggesting Pepsi when you want Coke. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 105

Hot stuff

By Liam. - 01/02/2010 05:15

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said, "Nice chair." She replied, "Nice bruise" and punched me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 621

You deserved it 51 864

17/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 163

You deserved it 253

11/02/2010 19:58

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 323

You deserved it 3 717

04/11/2014 14:01

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 309

You deserved it 4 572

22/02/2010 05:17

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 471

You deserved it 3 762

13/06/2011 09:11

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 465

You deserved it 4 502

05/05/2016 17:37

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 956

26/04/2009 00:44

Today, was my 16th birthday and I was supposed to be surprised with a new car. I have overheard my parents talking about bringing it home tonight while I was at a friend's house. We snuck back to my house to see them bring my car home. All I saw was my Dad crash my new car into a street lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 267

You deserved it 14 811

20/01/2019 18:00

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 254

You deserved it 875

26/08/2016 06:05

Today, I went to my boss with concerns that my manager is dumping her responsibilities on me. He agreed and told me to just do whatever she wants. She gets paid twice as much as me to talk on her cellphone all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 588

You deserved it 1 006

16/07/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 578

You deserved it 1 340

09/03/2014 19:31

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 026

You deserved it 3 261

14/01/2014 17:59

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 602

You deserved it 49 888

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

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Friday 15 January 2010 15:27

I'm a country boy and if anyone passes anything we never think twice about it. As a matter a fact we find it as a turn on when ours gals aren't afraid of something natural

Comments

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:13

Applause!

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Friday 27 August 2010 7:00

you should have been like "I'd give that a 7"

InsidiousChild 0

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Sunday 17 April 2011 6:39

Should of just laughed it off.

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Tuesday 10 December 2013 9:43

I would have thought that was awesome!

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

Did he applaud you? Second

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:24

would have been better if u puked in your mouth

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Not an FML, this is just nice.

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

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Saturday 28 January 2012 7:35

#5 is wrong. I'm a guy and I like when girls burp. No not a fetish, it just shows me how comfortable they are.

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Saturday 21 February 2015 20:26

#5 burping is natural, calm down. I don't think guys will necessarily make a grande deal of it.

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Tuesday 30 June 2015 15:33

I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. smh.

24788 6

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Friday 15 January 2010 12:42

Yawn... this isn't an fml. It's not attractive, but most men don't really care.

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Friday 15 January 2010 13:08

this is not an fml. who the hell cares if u burp?

iltby 3

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Friday 15 January 2010 13:41

Oh no, what a terrible life you have.

catatonicsleep 17

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Friday 15 January 2010 13:56

its just a burp, if he doesn't like you just because you burped he's not worth worrying about.

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Saturday 8 January 2011 10:12

Whats the book called you have as a profile picture?

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Friday 15 January 2010 14:03

Finally I have reached number one! I have waited days, weeks, months! Finally my time to be at the top of the list is finally here!!! I would like to thank fml and the people at fml for being here for this truly wonderful moment in history! Thankyou all and goodnight.