Love: Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close... - FML

By beriles - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

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Messed up

KoBabe

Deep-seated resentment

By Alyssa - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Kendra_Nine - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old sister matter-of-factly said that she's going to get married before me if I don't stop wearing track pants. FML

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By shanna

Unfair. Period.

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By edible - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By idislikeblanks - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

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By Parental - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

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By zuper_duper - United States

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By jccwell - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

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By suffersecks - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 19:15

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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By fucked5waystofriday - United States - Angola

Today, my boss told me to resign within the month, or he'll fire me and give me a bad reference. I talked to him about it again later on, this time with my phone recording everything, so I could take the proof to HR. I guess he knew, because he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. FML

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By cjw - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

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By toobroketoprotest

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By 12yearsoldapparently - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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By nerdywaitress - United States - Greensboro

Everyday sexism

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By DangerousDriver

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

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By Beesmakemerun

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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By plantfood - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

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By Respect101 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

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By failure - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By RDS

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

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By EggyBum - United States

Today, I was putting groceries into my car, and I put the eggs on the driver's seat while I arranged my other bags. I was frustrated because the dome light was acting up, which drives me crazy. Once I got everything in, I crankily plopped into the car. I had never moved the eggs off my seat. FML

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By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Boucherville

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

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By BlueB - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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By thatshelpful - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By EwFace - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

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By Anon - Canada

Selfish

Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently, I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML

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By althornton2462 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

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By Alex - United States - Richardson

Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML

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By puppydrama - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775939 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

By mopar383 | 0

#776123 - Friday 15 January 2010 15:27

I'm a country boy and if anyone passes anything we never think twice about it. As a matter a fact we find it as a turn on when ours gals aren't afraid of something natural

COMMENTS

By HahAboy95 | 0

#775904 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:13

Applause!

Reply

turtlemansam | 6

#1306987 - Friday 27 August 2010 7:00

you should have been like "I'd give that a 7"

Reply

InsidiousChild | 0

#2361314 - Sunday 17 April 2011 6:39

Should of just laughed it off.

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#5786645 - Tuesday 10 December 2013 9:43

I would have thought that was awesome!

By Disbelief1 | 0

#775913 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

Did he applaud you? Second

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775922 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:24

would have been better if u puked in your mouth

By ActionManly | 11

#775938 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Not an FML, this is just nice.

By null_fml | 11

#775939 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:35

Oh heavens, no! Guys hate burping so much! It's such a turn-off it could make Megan Fox seem like Amy Winehouse! Any guy caught in the same building as a burp will invariably lose his lunch! A guy will sooner die from a stomach ulcer than release a burp, and he expects women to do the same! Every time someone burps, God kills a kitten!

Reply

hitotsune26 | 2

#3955312 - Saturday 28 January 2012 7:35

#5 is wrong. I'm a guy and I like when girls burp. No not a fetish, it just shows me how comfortable they are.

Reply

pixigem | 15

#6208930 - Saturday 21 February 2015 20:26

#5 burping is natural, calm down.
I don't think guys will necessarily make a grande deal of it.

Reply

sammy18f | 9

#6336435 - Tuesday 30 June 2015 15:33

I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. smh.

By 24788 | 6

#775946 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:42

Yawn... this isn't an fml. It's not attractive, but most men don't really care.

By marycharles | 0

#775978 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:08

this is not an fml. who the hell cares if u burp?

By iltby | 3

#776020 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:41

Oh no, what a terrible life you have.

By catatonicsleep | 17

#776035 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:56

its just a burp, if he doesn't like you just because you burped he's not worth worrying about.

Reply

blocparty | 0

#1942209 - Saturday 8 January 2011 10:12

Whats the book called you have as a profile picture?

By happypapp12 | 0

#776041 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:03

Finally I have reached number one! I have waited days, weeks, months! Finally my time to be at the top of the list is finally here!!! I would like to thank fml and the people at fml for being here for this truly wonderful moment in history! Thankyou all and goodnight.