Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone... - FML

By hesaidwhat - 15/1/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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Does it taste good?

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 2/8/2015 05:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - 13/9/2016 06:38 - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2017 06:03

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

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By cheated - 8/7/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, I had sex with my fiancée. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML

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By queenofthegypsys - 1/3/2020 23:00

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

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By - 21/2/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

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By chels - 10/12/2012 07:47 - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By vicgal - 14/8/2009 18:33 - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

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By seeking new employment - 7/1/2016 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 11:45 - United States - Gorham

Today, after 8 months of being belittled and treated like trash at my job as a prep cook in a high-end kitchen, I stood up for myself to the line cooks. Not only did everyone laugh at me, I got fired for causing a scene during service and insubordination. FML

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By goodstudent - 20/6/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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By Eyalsh - 30/1/2015 04:53 - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By Jonathan - 18/3/2011 21:40 - Denmark

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML

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By Jamie - 20/9/2013 00:47 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By buggermonster - 16/6/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By klutz - 10/8/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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By tgstreaks - 23/4/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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By csully - 10/1/2009 06:34 - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 20:07 - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By Torbey - 14/9/2016 03:49 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

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By bad dad - 15/3/2020 00:01

We Are Family

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By fucked - 14/3/2014 19:40 - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By protoplasm stole my seat - 26/1/2013 01:24 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 13:33 - Germany

Today, I worked in a clinic as a intern. A nurse was called to dry a woman's hair. I followed her, trying to be a good intern. After the nurse was done, the 72 year old woman took off her bathrobe. While looking at me she sat down, her legs wide open. And, yes, she knew she was naked. FML

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By anonymous - 6/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By ashamed - 14/12/2014 02:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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By Some Girl - 8/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

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By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 14:09

Today, I received my 12th rejection letter for voluntary work, as I don't have enough experience to be paid. I can't even work for free. FML

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By sparky83000 - 29/10/2015 20:51 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

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By mcfatty - 14/8/2016 04:21 - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By Spec - 18/4/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

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By thanks a lot mom - 28/12/2015 06:52 - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2014 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - 26/2/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775940 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:37

You know what? If your best friend "liked" your single status, that might be a bad thing. If your mom "liked" your single status, that would probably be a bad thing. But your ex?

THAT'S MUNDANE!

By gecko13 | 0

#775920 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:23

take him off your friends list....

Comments

By dante0220 | 0

#775908 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:17

LMFAO

Reply

NoWayLady | 13

#975053 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 6:58

lmfao oh my

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775914 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:19

lol

By kizz_fml | 0

#775915 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:20

That's funny XD

By Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#775916 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:20

Ouch. :X

By Kylias | 6

#775917 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:21

No shit.

Reply

weirdowithsocks | 0

#3362582 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:01

thats what i said...like isnt it obvious that your ex would like that your single cause they are the reason that your single in the first place!

By gecko13 | 0

#775920 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:23

take him off your friends list....

Reply

Pimpshine99 | 0

#1076075 - Friday 9 July 2010 21:38

What if they've just liked you for awhile and couldn't tell you cuz u wer in a relationship?

By null_fml | 11

#775940 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:37

You know what? If your best friend "liked" your single status, that might be a bad thing. If your mom "liked" your single status, that would probably be a bad thing. But your ex?

THAT'S MUNDANE!

By Cruth | 2

#775943 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:40

atleast u still have contact xD

By 24788 | 6

#775947 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:44

Yawn again... Go outside and meet people.

Reply

gymtanlaundry | 0

#929443 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 18:50

win @ your comment and ur pic
;)

By catatonicsleep | 17

#775951 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:47

well he would like the fact that he's not with you anymore if he split up with you