Miscellaneous: Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable...

By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk the line

You have mail!

It's not you it's me

By kiwi - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 11:02

Yeah, just blame me!

Today, after I found out my husband cheated on me and then yesterday had to stop him from trying to kill himself, he's now moved out and has decided that this is all my fault. FML

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1342

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By Michelle Jade

#worthit

Today, I'm lying in a hospital bed with two broken leg bones, a reattached tendon, and four screws holding my leg together. Why? Because I wanted chocolate milk and some asshat didn't see me walking across the road. FML

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2901

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By Anonymous

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By das_shizzle - 30/9/2020 23:02 - United States - Montesano

Oh shit

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

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By SweethomeAlabama - 1/6/2021 01:00 - Turkey - Konya

Leave us alone

Today, a customer asked me if I was my husband's sister. A little flabbergasted, I replied, "No, I'm his wife." He went on to say, "Ah! But surely, you're related? Cousins?" FML

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894

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By quirrus - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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30955

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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36938

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By young and dumb - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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41582

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By ouch - United States - Livonia

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML

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13291

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By brooke - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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20395

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

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25143

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By GamerAM

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

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1410

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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40910

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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16089

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By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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323570

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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58799

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By Stacy - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

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By Thomas P.

Today, I parked in my "employee of the month" parking spot by the front of the store and started my shift. About halfway through my shift, a customer backed into my vehicle, got out and checked, then drove off before I could come outside. Perks of being the best employee I can be. FML

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14478

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML

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39665

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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13037

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 23:01

Traditional values

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

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1322

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By It's a foot long

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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3116

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By iamshrimpy - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

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24987

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By Loveless - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

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31308

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By AgentKoos_99 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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13897

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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34230

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By Joe Lizen - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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34074

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By Unemployed - Malaysia

Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

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8875

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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34404

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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27062

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By anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

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54028

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4188

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By ow my kidneys - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

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30776

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By really - United States

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

By Back_In_Action | 18

#776058 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:22

Once again, I am floored by some people's blatant idiocy. Drunk/High driving is NOT cool or funny, and the dad is a complete and utter fucktard putting other people on the road in danger like that. He is a FATHER, someone who should be acting WAY more responsible than this, especially since he has kids! OP, I hope your father can get help because he CLEARLY needs it!

COMMENTS

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775905 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:14

lol first

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#775995 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:20

Good for you... now get a life.

PeopleRSoDumb | 0

#776423 - Friday 15 January 2010 19:16

How is this an FML? You got yelled at... Don't change your dads seats. OMG NO.

By dante0220 | 0

#775906 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:16

2nd. and go dad lol

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776038 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:59

How does one "go dad"? Is that like going crazy or going hog-wild or going bananas?

Commas are your friends!

jandrews10 | 0

#776294 - Friday 15 January 2010 17:28

Thank you grammar Nazi.

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776743 - Friday 15 January 2010 22:48

I'm Jewish.

slushpuppy123 | 0

#776783 - Friday 15 January 2010 23:28

grammar facist then.

hunterwould | 0

#783118 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:03

Grammar nazis are not anti-semitic (most aren't) they're anti-illiterate.
; )

b182link | 0

#1068230 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 19:24

74 ftw

By Disbelief1 | 0

#775909 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:18

Third. Btw you shouldn't let your dad drive drunk/high

IPityTheFool | 0

#1297166 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 0:43

It doesn't matter he if he endangers his life because his Dad is a real man and is living on the edge he's fucking hardcore lol your Dad epically wins and everyone saying this is a weak FML can shove it up their ass because you're just jealous

kenbear | 0

#2135467 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:20

i think im about to shove a gun up your ass you stupid bitch . hes not just endangering himself, hes endangering everyone. its real fucking stupid to drink and drive , so someone who encourages it must be a reeaal fucking douche bag

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

postaltubealex | 0

#776100 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:58

Nothing would be greater than for him to get a DUI, and be found with weed on his person.

By 24788 | 6

#775941 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:38

Wow, good excuse.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#775957 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:51

Wait till he learns what cops think about this. (gets jailed)

By Luz826 | 0

#775964 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:56

Sleeping right upon the wheel?

By Brey1013 | 0

#775966 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:57

your dad sounds like the MAN! :D
all these negative posters should just lighten the fuck up.

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#776023 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:44

@ #10 - Perhaps, if you were in the OP's place, you would feel the same way he did. Then again, since you're a troll... you'd probably crash the car and kill yourself while driving drunk & high.