Miscellaneous: Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable...

By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Messed up

Season finale

By singingintherain

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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By troubled - United States

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

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By Single - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

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By HumanNature - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

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By sistertaxi - Australia

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

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By smellay - 14/4/2020 23:00

Close quarters

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to buy a $2500 taxidermied wolf on eBay. This is the same guy who refuses to get engaged because it would "cost too much right now." FML

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By sarahc_c

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

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By make america date again - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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By KalaKa - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

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By bachelor - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

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By :( - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner and have to leave in shame. FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, I saw a bunch of cute guys checking me out. Not paying attention, I then ran into a parked police car. Besides getting laughed at, I got a ticket for damaging police property. FML

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By my face though - United States - Kettle Falls

Today, I had to leave class early due to a profusely bleeding pimple on my forehead. FML

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By Tom - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

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By tabbycacti - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

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By part time all the time - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

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By username - United Kingdom - Leatherhead

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

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By AngryBlackMan - 3/2/2021 21:30 - United States

This is America

Today, I'm a gay, black man who moved to a racist, mainly white, homophobic town for work. I've already had the cops called on me twice, and a group of teens yelled the f-slur at me unprompted. When I asked my boss if I could swap, he threatened to fire me. This is gonna be a long 6 months. FML

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By It's a foot long

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

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By Kat - United States - Tiverton

Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML

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By iblamethetories - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

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By jace17 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

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By FreshFaced - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By wtfrelationship - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

By Back_In_Action | 18

#776058 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:22

Once again, I am floored by some people's blatant idiocy. Drunk/High driving is NOT cool or funny, and the dad is a complete and utter fucktard putting other people on the road in danger like that. He is a FATHER, someone who should be acting WAY more responsible than this, especially since he has kids! OP, I hope your father can get help because he CLEARLY needs it!

COMMENTS

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775905 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:14

lol first

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#775995 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:20

Good for you... now get a life.

PeopleRSoDumb | 0

#776423 - Friday 15 January 2010 19:16

How is this an FML? You got yelled at... Don't change your dads seats. OMG NO.

By dante0220 | 0

#775906 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:16

2nd. and go dad lol

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776038 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:59

How does one "go dad"? Is that like going crazy or going hog-wild or going bananas?

Commas are your friends!

jandrews10 | 0

#776294 - Friday 15 January 2010 17:28

Thank you grammar Nazi.

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776743 - Friday 15 January 2010 22:48

I'm Jewish.

slushpuppy123 | 0

#776783 - Friday 15 January 2010 23:28

grammar facist then.

hunterwould | 0

#783118 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:03

Grammar nazis are not anti-semitic (most aren't) they're anti-illiterate.
; )

b182link | 0

#1068230 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 19:24

74 ftw

By Disbelief1 | 0

#775909 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:18

Third. Btw you shouldn't let your dad drive drunk/high

IPityTheFool | 0

#1297166 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 0:43

It doesn't matter he if he endangers his life because his Dad is a real man and is living on the edge he's fucking hardcore lol your Dad epically wins and everyone saying this is a weak FML can shove it up their ass because you're just jealous

kenbear | 0

#2135467 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:20

i think im about to shove a gun up your ass you stupid bitch . hes not just endangering himself, hes endangering everyone. its real fucking stupid to drink and drive , so someone who encourages it must be a reeaal fucking douche bag

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

postaltubealex | 0

#776100 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:58

Nothing would be greater than for him to get a DUI, and be found with weed on his person.

By 24788 | 6

#775941 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:38

Wow, good excuse.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#775957 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:51

Wait till he learns what cops think about this. (gets jailed)

By Luz826 | 0

#775964 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:56

Sleeping right upon the wheel?

By Brey1013 | 0

#775966 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:57

your dad sounds like the MAN! :D
all these negative posters should just lighten the fuck up.

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#776023 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:44

@ #10 - Perhaps, if you were in the OP's place, you would feel the same way he did. Then again, since you're a troll... you'd probably crash the car and kill yourself while driving drunk & high.