Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable...

By Goobie - 15/1/2010 07:24 - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Out of it

Rock, hard place

By Anonymous - 11/9/2011 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to clean up after the kid that discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML

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By HELP - 7/6/2012 01:25 - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

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By anonymous - 29/6/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

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By stargate25 - 24/7/2015 02:33 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

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By LittleSprout - 21/3/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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By GDBeast - 9/1/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

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By batgirlrules881 - 7/11/2009 15:26 - United States

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2017 13:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML

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By S3XY_SiNG3R - 11/4/2020 02:00

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

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By nsb124 - 28/1/2015 08:07 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By MoreThenFriends - 16/8/2018 22:00

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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By HoShiz - 25/10/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

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By crazygirl - 29/10/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By ph2222 - 5/10/2015 17:10 - United States - Toledo

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML

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By Girafarig - 31/7/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By fatty - 23/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By danyelicindereli - 29/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By the_emilymohr - 28/3/2020 23:00

Gourmet dinner

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 12:23 - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

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By jshum - 13/9/2016 15:02 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

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By Noname - 15/2/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

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By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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By cc - 24/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By chloe - 29/6/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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By wishihadpockets - 28/1/2010 10:24 - United States

Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

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By Jamie - 4/4/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was at working at Burger King as a cashier. A girl I met last night came in and said, "Aren't you that guy from last night?" Last night, I had told her I was going to medical school and was going to be a doctor in less than a year. FML

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By CARnage - 21/5/2010 10:11 - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By millie219 - 13/8/2012 15:20 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By Idiot32 - 25/5/2019 02:00

Today, I saw my dad driving our red Dakota, and I thought it would be funny to tail him around town. It wasn't until I saw cop lights flashing in my rear-view mirror that I remembered that we'd given away our red truck. I'd scared an old lady so badly that she called the police. FML

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By me - 21/8/2013 23:45 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I was in love with his best friend. He confessed that he was too. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

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By Forgotton - 1/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I realized how invisible/forgettable I am. At work, I went to ask my supervisor what I was working on today. My supervisor admitted that he forgot I was working today. My supervisor is my brother. We drove to work together this morning. FML

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By yesikilledit - 20/11/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

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Top comments

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

By Back_In_Action | 18

#776058 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:22

Once again, I am floored by some people's blatant idiocy. Drunk/High driving is NOT cool or funny, and the dad is a complete and utter fucktard putting other people on the road in danger like that. He is a FATHER, someone who should be acting WAY more responsible than this, especially since he has kids! OP, I hope your father can get help because he CLEARLY needs it!

COMMENTS

By gearsawar2 | 0

#775905 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:14

lol first

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#775995 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:20

Good for you... now get a life.

PeopleRSoDumb | 0

#776423 - Friday 15 January 2010 19:16

How is this an FML? You got yelled at... Don't change your dads seats. OMG NO.

By dante0220 | 0

#775906 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:16

2nd. and go dad lol

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776038 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:59

How does one "go dad"? Is that like going crazy or going hog-wild or going bananas?

Commas are your friends!

jandrews10 | 0

#776294 - Friday 15 January 2010 17:28

Thank you grammar Nazi.

BeeSkwaird | 0

#776743 - Friday 15 January 2010 22:48

I'm Jewish.

slushpuppy123 | 0

#776783 - Friday 15 January 2010 23:28

grammar facist then.

hunterwould | 0

#783118 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:03

Grammar nazis are not anti-semitic (most aren't) they're anti-illiterate.
; )

b182link | 0

#1068230 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 19:24

74 ftw

By Disbelief1 | 0

#775909 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:18

Third. Btw you shouldn't let your dad drive drunk/high

IPityTheFool | 0

#1297166 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 0:43

It doesn't matter he if he endangers his life because his Dad is a real man and is living on the edge he's fucking hardcore lol your Dad epically wins and everyone saying this is a weak FML can shove it up their ass because you're just jealous

kenbear | 0

#2135467 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 6:20

i think im about to shove a gun up your ass you stupid bitch . hes not just endangering himself, hes endangering everyone. its real fucking stupid to drink and drive , so someone who encourages it must be a reeaal fucking douche bag

By null_fml | 11

#775934 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:32

A lot of people drive drunk because their judgement is fucked when they're drunk. Clearly your dad plans to do it, even beforehand - seems like he's quite a retard.

postaltubealex | 0

#776100 - Friday 15 January 2010 14:58

Nothing would be greater than for him to get a DUI, and be found with weed on his person.

By 24788 | 6

#775941 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:38

Wow, good excuse.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#775957 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:51

Wait till he learns what cops think about this. (gets jailed)

By Luz826 | 0

#775964 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:56

Sleeping right upon the wheel?

By Brey1013 | 0

#775966 - Friday 15 January 2010 12:57

your dad sounds like the MAN! :D
all these negative posters should just lighten the fuck up.

ProtoBuster_1 | 5

#776023 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:44

@ #10 - Perhaps, if you were in the OP's place, you would feel the same way he did. Then again, since you're a troll... you'd probably crash the car and kill yourself while driving drunk & high.