Health: Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side...

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 400

You deserved it 13 916

Health

Vulture

Age difference

Happy chicken day!

By Aggie_De - 14/12/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 708

You deserved it 7 300

By IwishIwashigh - 01/03/2017 14:00

Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 496

You deserved it 7 224

By Jill - 15/06/2013 04:19 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 270

You deserved it 22 672

Sorry for asking…

By volleyballgirl12 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 491

You deserved it 6 524

By HOe HOe HOe - 02/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 962

You deserved it 16 206

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 17:39 - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 160

You deserved it 2 062

By bloodshedblack - 21/02/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 412

You deserved it 4 368

By wtf - 30/05/2012 21:34 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 436

You deserved it 2 098

By peeved - 18/02/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 392

You deserved it 5 841

By anonymous - 13/09/2012 06:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 713

You deserved it 4 626

By embarassed - 20/03/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 966

You deserved it 10 466

By Anonymous - 08/12/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 085

You deserved it 3 961

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 985

You deserved it 58 876

By risingtide - 20/11/2018 15:30

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking wrong metro twice, only to find that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 319

You deserved it 1 141

Chewbacca goes surfing

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 18:00

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 426

By bzygirl - 26/09/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal $200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 883

You deserved it 7 796

By Glassjaw - 01/08/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 652

You deserved it 7 891

By TooTallNiCo - 28/11/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 975

You deserved it 35 970

By Anonymous - 01/05/2017 20:42

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 830

You deserved it 1 101

By Dave - 19/12/2018 18:00

Today, I said to a girl that I recently started dating, ‘I like you so far’. My phone had other plans and decide to autocorrect far to fat as I hit send. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 020

You deserved it 682

By Shoutout1011 - 15/04/2017 22:00

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 554

You deserved it 453

Dad jokes, part #23555

By Lizzie - 06/09/2019 12:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 249

By MaggotMother - 20/04/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 416

You deserved it 7 577

By Casdmo - 29/04/2018 15:00

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 053

You deserved it 314

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 01:00 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 426

You deserved it 2 889

By jj - 07/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 030

You deserved it 3 350

By JpL - 25/04/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 2 127

By Anna - 02/10/2012 17:37 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 952

You deserved it 4 408

Premeditated

By IgiveUp - 28/05/2021 06:01

Today, I went out to eat with my friends. When the bill came, all 3 of them had "inconveniently" forgot their wallets at home. I ended up having to pay. It was a $178 check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 89

By N - 27/11/2012 03:13 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 2 339

Rude!

By geo - 26/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’m a cashier and I put a lady’s change on the counter instead of in her hand. She then hissed at me for being rude. When I explained to her that I have never heard that it’s rude to do that, her response was, "Are you kidding me!? You should have been BORN knowing that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 292

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 18:25 - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 676

You deserved it 3 243

By Jdub - 28/05/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 206

You deserved it 3 591

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 468

You deserved it 23 012

By The captain - 21/08/2011 23:09 - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 377

You deserved it 4 640

By me - 20/11/2013 15:28 - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 119

You deserved it 3 826

Invasion

By Anonymous - 26/08/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 16:11 - United States - Barrington

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 926

You deserved it 6 830

Ghost in the machine

By smdh - 22/10/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 603

You deserved it 1 774

By NoUsernamHere - 03/06/2015 13:25 - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 794

You deserved it 2 442

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Top comments

konkonsn 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:09

Never understood what was wrong with "screaming like a girl." Why is it "girly" to scream over something that terrifies you? Oh, I guess you could stay silent while that weed-wacker is coming towards you. You'll die, but at least you wouldn't have died "manly." -_-

grocky 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:04

I would still freak out if the snake were dead.

YankfanZZTop22 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:03

lmfao thats hilarious

ImsoMikhail 0

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Friday 9 July 2010 4:26

your choices. get hit by car? step over snake? you choose. if I was put in this situation I would have stepped on the snake thought. but I guess you jumping out of the way was just a reflex... hope you sent get hit

diki_fml 2

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:03

LOL

grocky 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:04

I would still freak out if the snake were dead.

sammy0002 0

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Monday 29 November 2010 2:59

lol me tooooooo! I 100000% hate snakes

Ilovelife07 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:04

did the car hit you?

konkonsn 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:09

NEkoiNU 18

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Monday 9 February 2015 20:52

Feminist?

anthonydpalm 18

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Wednesday 27 April 2016 17:15

Found the feminist

tronner 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:10

screaming like a girl? Or screaming like an idiot that got scared by a dead snake?

thequeenofscots 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:16

Ditto, #5. What makes screaming over something "girly?" Believe me, the amount of times I've heard a guy "scream like a girl," I'm pretty sure it's equaled out and they should just call it "screaming."

tWitt3rBuG 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:19

Dead or Alive, a snake's a snake! Hope it's only your ego that's hurt!

AngelRaven89 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 20:20

Why do guys always say "scream like a girl"? How exactly do guys scream? I would think anyone's screaming would sound similar. YDI for being afraid of snakes but as that is a common fear with most people, FYL. Also like to add i'm glad you didn't get hit :)