Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman... - FML

By grannysmack - 11/7/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49740

You deserved it

6539

Tweet

Share

Serious times

Not gonna happen

Not a cheating!

By Reebee - 27/9/2017 01:30

Today, I got off late from my bartending job, which is close to my house, but my boyfriend begged me to come to his place half an hour away. I decided the sex would be worth the drive. He was sound asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3103

You deserved it

506

Tweet

Share

By mushroommouth - 1/10/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32687

You deserved it

22631

Tweet

Share

By Flubber - 7/2/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27409

You deserved it

5773

Tweet

Share

By twoheadedboy - 6/5/2009 20:46 - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55448

You deserved it

4988

Tweet

Share

By Tootie - 30/7/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41724

You deserved it

3514

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 17:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30340

You deserved it

43937

Tweet

Share

By shuffling man - 12/8/2018 01:30

YDI Fosho

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2290

You deserved it

3738

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 15:51 - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45000

You deserved it

2911

Tweet

Share

By Alexxicks - 5/3/2020 12:02

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1344

You deserved it

238

Tweet

Share

By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29364

You deserved it

3336

Tweet

Share

By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65803

You deserved it

7694

Tweet

Share

By p-man - 27/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16073

You deserved it

57082

Tweet

Share

By Butterflyguy - 14/8/2009 17:10 - Canada

Today, I literally stopped traffic. I was crossing the street and a butterfly landed on me. Being phobic of butterflies, I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. Oh, and I am 17, captain of our football team, and in very good shape. My girlfriend laughed the hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46198

You deserved it

23550

Tweet

Share

By bet a woman would've been thanked - 7/5/2013 20:21 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50990

You deserved it

3090

Tweet

Share

By paula434 - 5/12/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33462

You deserved it

3988

Tweet

Share

By DeepFriedZombie - 9/8/2016 00:18

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15843

You deserved it

1148

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30652

You deserved it

4812

Tweet

Share

By fml9124 - 5/9/2019 20:00

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1297

You deserved it

338

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 16:39 - United States - Dallas

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said "I was thinking McDonald's". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30174

You deserved it

5120

Tweet

Share

By Stung - 19/6/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46982

You deserved it

6696

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks

593

You deserved it

1494

Tweet

Share

By karl - 10/1/2009 06:50 - Ireland

Today, we were out smoking a bit of spliff just walking around. We saw a place to sit down in this little car park we were walking past. The cops came over and busted us. Turns out we were in the main car park for the cop shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6448

You deserved it

44169

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:58 - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32338

You deserved it

5019

Tweet

Share

By lifesabitch2016 - 24/5/2014 06:23 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46411

You deserved it

5489

Tweet

Share

By Heavybreather - 13/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5791

You deserved it

1089

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/4/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41509

You deserved it

9696

Tweet

Share

By husks - 12/4/2011 04:08

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38999

You deserved it

12383

Tweet

Share

By jalisc512 - 21/8/2014 20:16 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42321

You deserved it

5478

Tweet

Share

By pathetic - 20/8/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year and I had sex for the first time in several weeks due to relationship problems; I came in less than 10 seconds. We're still having problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25581

You deserved it

29748

Tweet

Share

By Twiddle - 7/12/2009 07:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41571

You deserved it

2896

Tweet

Share

By Mick - 20/2/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

859885

You deserved it

94231

Tweet

Share

By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49962

You deserved it

3532

Tweet

Share

By boom - 17/3/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35037

You deserved it

3749

Tweet

Share

By ginger - 19/8/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46025

You deserved it

6736

Tweet

Share

By catdog552 - 28/2/2013 11:02 - United States

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36845

You deserved it

2579

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4069

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By Rehab - 11/2/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32275

You deserved it

3709

Tweet

Share

By minustoenail - 12/10/2012 05:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I entered a stairwell, the fire alarm went off, triggering the automatic fire doors to close. The one I was walking through ran over my foot, ripping my toenail, and then smacked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24396

You deserved it

1978

Tweet

Share

By TooGulible - 12/7/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11187

You deserved it

3691

Tweet

Share

By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Unconditional support

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2113

You deserved it

276

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By MaramaBreaksFace | 0

#387330 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Both, always both.

By iowagirl1997 | 0

#387333 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Ohh granny getting it on!!

COMMENTS

By MaramaBreaksFace | 0

#387330 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Both, always both.

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#387669 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:42

you failed the first rule of being a woman on the job: Never, under any circumstances, BEND OVER to pick up anything. You gotta kneel down. Even if you aren't wearing a skirt. So YDI just for that.

You should probably be flattered though. I guess you have a nice ass.

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#387766 - Saturday 11 July 2009 19:32

at least she smacked it, she could have palmed and fingered.

Reply

eggnogg | 0

#388205 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:51

dont reply to get ur comment up top cunt bag

Reply

pltcllyincorrect | 0

#389218 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:42

Dude, it was a dude.

Reply

Kylias | 6

#389251 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:52

Dude, it was a woman. It says it right under the FML.

Reply

Icalasari | 0

#412432 - Monday 20 July 2009 4:49

Not to mention that guys are called waiters, not waitresses. So a guy would not be waitressing

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#839592 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 1:56

shut up 78 your no better than the rest if the ppl who comment on #1 to get to the top, you dis the same so you can talk shittt

Reply

Philosophic | 0

#927366 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 3:54

YDI for having a nose.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#976245 - Thursday 8 April 2010 7:14

^ wtf? :D

Reply

itsjulia | 0

#979948 - Thursday 15 April 2010 4:42

I thought OP was a guy...

Reply

fuzzywazzy012 | 0

#1062911 - Sunday 4 July 2010 17:55

Thats hot? More like horrifying

Reply

lolfylanydi | 0

#1189223 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:58

ydi for not being a lesbian

By iowagirl1997 | 0

#387333 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Ohh granny getting it on!!

Reply

SilverHusky | 0

#387417 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:30

LOL!

Reply

SiCMgt4SlipKnoT | 0

#387430 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:36

Who downrated #2. She lives in Iowa which is where Slipknot is from. She is automatically cool!!!

Stay (SiC)

Reply

gtdoll | 0

#387585 - Saturday 11 July 2009 17:57

I know right?! Lol what's up with grannies these days...?

Reply

iKaite | 0

#387986 - Saturday 11 July 2009 21:07

Bloody horny grannies are worse then these young kids.

Reply

pippysthename00 | 0

#388956 - Sunday 12 July 2009 3:33

That's hot.

Reply

TomPusslicker | 21

#1313350 - Saturday 28 August 2010 20:37

grannies are worse than the kids cuz old people can do just about anything they want....not many people wanna scrap with seniors lol.

its a shame though she didnt shove a few singles down ur ass, and one of them with her number. i bet shes wild in bed lmao...

By samusfox | 0

#387336 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Did you give her your number?

Reply

gtdoll | 0

#387635 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:27

I kissed a granny and I liked it....
The taste of three day old prune juice ;) lol

Reply

Mozart24 | 0

#388086 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:09

#48 wins the Cool Comments game...

Reply

Finnboghi | 0

#390758 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:36

#48 is a WinRAR.

Also, these comments would have been a lot less light hearted if it'd been a guy who smacked her.

By Emico_fml | 0

#387337 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:02

Lmao! That's hilarious!

Reply

TehGirreth | 0

#1610961 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:18

The real question is: Why were you bent over in the first place? Customers don't get that much service.

By Fml37 | 0

#387347 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:04

Runnnnnnnnnnn bitch run!!! :p

By crownme | 0

#387350 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:04

That's nasty I woulda slapped the false teeth out of her

By SiCMgt4SlipKnoT | 0

#387357 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:06

YDI for presenting yourself to some old fart

Reply

Inked2009 | 0

#388371 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:47

That wasn't their intention asshole

By Josh223344 | 0

#387370 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

That's pretty bad! I bet u liked it

By gregzav | 0

#387376 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:11

Too many FML's like this starting to get old...

By buddy51 | 23

#387391 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:18

Both!
First.

Reply

that_guy321 | 2

#387603 - Saturday 11 July 2009 18:06

FAIL.
You were 11th

Reply

abcdefghiloveyou | 0

#389315 - Sunday 12 July 2009 6:20

Just means double first?