Work: Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman... - FML

By grannysmack - 11/07/2009 09:10 - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 779

You deserved it 6 544

Sorry…

Late term

Family issues

By the2girls - 09/08/2011 16:08 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 008

You deserved it 5 193

By MyLife - 06/02/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 472

You deserved it 2 615

By Daria_Weiner - 18/07/2011 18:23 - Russian Federation

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 419

You deserved it 48 517

By liz - 16/07/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 286

You deserved it 18 319

By cjay2200 - 28/08/2011 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 112

You deserved it 9 878

Demonic

By sarcastic_centipede - 09/06/2021 06:02

Today, my mom told me to take the trash out. I started to, but then I saw that the trash can had been rolled out to the curb, so I went to my room to put on shoes. My mom apparently took this as me deciding not to take the trash out, as she not only yelled at me, but growled and hissed as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 70

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 06:31 - India

Today, after going through a surgery related to my ovaries, having a life-threatening complication during the surgery due to anesthesia, my doctor warning me about future infertility, a friend tells me that no one will marry me now, since I have stretch marks and stitches marks on my abdomen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 48

You've got some explaining to do

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 96

By bthms - 31/01/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 850

You deserved it 3 429

Lost in translation

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 13:07

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 924

You deserved it 1 960

By thedancer5 - 03/08/2011 16:47 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 765

You deserved it 3 357

By ThroatSlasher - 17/08/2015 19:20 - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 591

You deserved it 2 407

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 13:31 - United States - Akron

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 244

You deserved it 7 323

By Anonymous - 02/02/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 154

You deserved it 3 004

Don't care

By Anonymous - 19/02/2020 01:00

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 1 546

By ERnightmare - 02/08/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Spicy

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 051

You deserved it 4 086

By fatto - 30/05/2017 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 2 607

By shinoza - 13/02/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 488

You deserved it 8 352

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 305

You deserved it 120 093

Symphonic

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 22:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 746

You deserved it 4 896

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 14:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 577

You deserved it 13 052

By housepoor - 07/07/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 690

You deserved it 14 177

By riiiighhhttttt - 05/08/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 612

You deserved it 4 338

By Pixie - 15/02/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 807

You deserved it 509

By MTJY - 12/09/2011 04:53 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my ex. After pouring my heart out to her, saying we were meant for each other, she looked at me and said, "Don't bother, I've already slept with your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 509

You deserved it 5 475

By smidgit - 19/05/2016 17:32

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 866

You deserved it 9 757

But mah freedumbs!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 10:23 - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 901

You deserved it 5 249

By TheThirdWheel - 04/06/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 275

You deserved it 4 890

By unloved - 17/04/2012 14:54 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 648

You deserved it 2 730

By damaged - 04/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 647

You deserved it 1 784

Everyone's an expert

By whatever mom - 23/07/2020 14:02

Today, my mother scolded me for undressing my son and giving him Tylenol to break his fever. She insisted I wrap him in several layers to increase his body temperature in order to let him "sweat the fever out." I’m married to a pediatrician. My mom didn’t finish high school. She swears we're wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 079

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 23:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 978

You deserved it 7 389

By two-hours-to-pick-up - 09/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 991

You deserved it 10 751

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 321

You deserved it 3 886

By Ljsmitty - 12/09/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was messaged by a great guy I went to college with, and he was telling me how stupid he had been for not asking me out in college and about how much he had liked me. After talking for 30 minutes about trying to get together soon, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 234

You deserved it 2 881

By thelunarwolf - 02/03/2011 03:41

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 8 853

By notababymama - 07/02/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 887

You deserved it 3 578

By idontlikebitter - 08/03/2016 21:10 - Switzerland - Klingnau

Today, as I was doing my make-up, I needed a Q-tip to fix a mistake. I took one out the box and put it in my mouth to get it wet. Too bad someone had used it before to clean their ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 138

You deserved it 3 908

By Anonymous - 14/06/2015 08:10 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I laid in bed until 3am kept up by a house party. In my own house. Which my housemates didn't invite me to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 625

You deserved it 3 628

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 17:15 - Nepal

Spicy

Today, I texted my ex boyfriend that I still loved him. He texted back asking if this was some sort of booty call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 539

You deserved it 33 606

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Top comments

MaramaBreaksFace 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Both, always both.

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Ohh granny getting it on!!

Comments

MaramaBreaksFace 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Both, always both.

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Saturday 11 July 2009 18:42

you failed the first rule of being a woman on the job: Never, under any circumstances, BEND OVER to pick up anything. You gotta kneel down. Even if you aren't wearing a skirt. So YDI just for that. You should probably be flattered though. I guess you have a nice ass.

Imawhalerider 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 19:32

at least she smacked it, she could have palmed and fingered.

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Saturday 11 July 2009 22:51

dont reply to get ur comment up top cunt bag

pltcllyincorrect 0

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Sunday 12 July 2009 5:42

Dude, it was a dude.

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Sunday 12 July 2009 5:52

Dude, it was a woman. It says it right under the FML.

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Monday 20 July 2009 4:49

Not to mention that guys are called waiters, not waitresses. So a guy would not be waitressing

hellokittywhore 0

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Wednesday 10 February 2010 1:56

shut up 78 your no better than the rest if the ppl who comment on #1 to get to the top, you dis the same so you can talk shittt

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Tuesday 9 March 2010 3:54

YDI for having a nose.

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Thursday 8 April 2010 7:14

^ wtf? :D

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Thursday 15 April 2010 4:42

I thought OP was a guy...

fuzzywazzy012 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 17:55

Thats hot? More like horrifying

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:58

ydi for not being a lesbian

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Ohh granny getting it on!!

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:30

LOL!

SiCMgt4SlipKnoT 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:36

Who downrated #2. She lives in Iowa which is where Slipknot is from. She is automatically cool!!! Stay (SiC)

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Saturday 11 July 2009 17:57

I know right?! Lol what's up with grannies these days...?

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Saturday 11 July 2009 21:07

Bloody horny grannies are worse then these young kids.

pippysthename00 0

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Sunday 12 July 2009 3:33

That's hot.

TomPusslicker 21

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Saturday 28 August 2010 20:37

grannies are worse than the kids cuz old people can do just about anything they want....not many people wanna scrap with seniors lol. its a shame though she didnt shove a few singles down ur ass, and one of them with her number. i bet shes wild in bed lmao...

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:01

Did you give her your number?

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Saturday 11 July 2009 18:27

I kissed a granny and I liked it.... The taste of three day old prune juice ;) lol

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Saturday 11 July 2009 22:09

#48 wins the Cool Comments game...

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Sunday 12 July 2009 20:36

#48 is a WinRAR. Also, these comments would have been a lot less light hearted if it'd been a guy who smacked her.

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:02

Lmao! That's hilarious!

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Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:18

The real question is: Why were you bent over in the first place? Customers don't get that much service.

Fml37 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:04

Runnnnnnnnnnn bitch run!!! :p

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:04

That's nasty I woulda slapped the false teeth out of her

SiCMgt4SlipKnoT 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:06

YDI for presenting yourself to some old fart

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Saturday 11 July 2009 23:47

That wasn't their intention asshole

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:10

That's pretty bad! I bet u liked it

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:11

Too many FML's like this starting to get old...

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:18

Both! First.

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Saturday 11 July 2009 18:06

FAIL. You were 11th

abcdefghiloveyou 0

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Sunday 12 July 2009 6:20

Just means double first?

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 291