Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers...

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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Work

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Banished

Night terrors

By fthis - 27/1/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend for an hour listening to him talk about his new truck and his final exams. I literally did not say a single word. Just as I said, "Hey baby, guess what happened to me today?", he says, "Can I go to sleep? I'm too tired to guess. Night." FML

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By ConfusedDad - 29/12/2014 07:01 - United States

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

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By MuteNToot - 26/2/2015 21:17

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 15:48 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 15:14 - United States

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 23:29 - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

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By getslostinherownhouse - 14/4/2009 19:12 - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

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By devakii - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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By roar_shark - 11/7/2009 03:41 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By PieterseMJ - 2/11/2012 12:17 - South Africa - Sandton

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By M - 20/9/2015 23:59 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By Ania - 15/10/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

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By dullstuff - 21/7/2011 12:34 - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

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By Looking4ajob - 19/7/2016 03:47 - United States - Jackson

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - 1/12/2015 22:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By Moron - 23/8/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By Connie - 4/6/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By danthecomplicate - 29/9/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 03:14 - New Zealand - Takanini

Today, I went to the doctor's after over a week of feeling extremely tired and having headaches. His advice? "When I'm tired I drink coffee. You should drink coffee." Somehow, I don't think that was worth $60. FML

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By Leyla - 14/7/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

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By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 06:00

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By Twilightsux - 31/1/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 16:04

Today, despite being the fittest member of my family, with a good exercise routine and a decent diet, I'm the only one who was just diagnosed with diabetes. Meanwhile, the rest of my family are fat, lazy slobs who eat like shit, but are otherwise healthy as horses FML

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By bosslady - 30/6/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By firehurts - 8/6/2015 23:38 - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By DarkDolly - 4/2/2012 16:39 - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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By mom - 26/1/2014 04:29 - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By Ringo McDingo - 26/3/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By Tag - 24/9/2014 01:19 - Australia

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By pampa31 - 14/12/2015 17:21 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

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By bruised_scrotum - 15/5/2014 17:08 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By terdberglerforlyfe - 7/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

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By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#1743261 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:06

You're going to be eaten up for your wording there, darling!~

By ilikethebeatles | 0

#1743442 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

^^sure you did...

COMMENTS

By bmexoxo98 | 0

#1743239 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:02

first!?

By KiaMaster | 0

#1743243 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:03

sounds like my job...

SHAAAAAARK | 1

#1743427 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:29

just give him a hand and continue with your job.

underguarded | 20

#1743507 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:43

LOL

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1743802 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 11:19

OP you say it likes its a bad thing. i see it as an opportunity, just marry the guy and wait till he kicks the bucket and BAM! you are rich.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#1745341 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:08

10 comment and picture win. And 27 made it better.

sloppyflow | 1

#1745900 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:02

I certainly hope op isn't a guy :x

InfamousRaider | 15

#5522564 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 23:35

I wonder what happened after that?

By twinny_sc | 13

#1743245 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:03

Stalkers are fun!

By Mirorbo | 26

#1743261 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:06

You're going to be eaten up for your wording there, darling!~

Freeze_fml | 16

#1743467 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:36

I see what you did there.

6969awesome | 0

#1744094 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:48

I don't

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#1745960 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:42

30, It's implied that the 'old' man will take 4 hours to 'get off' too.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1746013 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 20:34

Mirorbo said she's going to be eaten up.

By xLil_Mx | 0

#1743330 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:13

I would slap him :| I got slapping issues as you can see :P

MonkeyMan03 | 0

#1743985 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:20

then she'd most likely get fired

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2001868 - Monday 24 January 2011 12:58

thank you

By FYLDeep | 25

#1743387 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:23

You deserve it for giving him alcohol.

Litlmae | 4

#5343236 - Monday 28 January 2013 2:06

She said a drink, not alcohol...

By jakeisawake | 3

#1743403 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:26

Better hope you can book it out of there before the old man catches you.

By AAShah | 0

#1743431 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:30

I feel your pain OP

I had a stalker too.
He would call me and say we should have phone sex.
Or meet up at a hotel.

BloodyHeel | 8

#1744338 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 14:10

Fascinating.

By ilikethebeatles | 0

#1743442 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

^^sure you did...

By mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1743444 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

fail