Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers...

By Username

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

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Work

Messed up

Decisions, decisions

Great first impression

By :( - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

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By Mary - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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31148

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By Ava K - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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1479

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By Anonymous - United States - Ossining

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

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26156

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By jlowder2 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By Handblocked

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

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By sly - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled away and said: "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!" FML

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By Kim422 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

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By not even getting any of her shrimp - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

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50533

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By AsianSensation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

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By 5minsolder - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

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41266

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By birthday_loser - United States - Newport News

Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML

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By Maddie110110 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

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31097

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By New computer - France

Today, I was on an airplane back from California. I decided to check out my new $1500 MacBook that I bought the day before. My son decided to projectile vomit all over me, my new computer, and my bag. None of it got on him. FML

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43285

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By heretoserve - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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41561

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By peepants

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

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2099

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By Anonymous

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

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29058

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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9399

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By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

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54888

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By catcraze - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42810

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By disfordiploma - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

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By possibly a sweater - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

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By balkangirl94 - United States

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

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36317

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By youlyingjerk - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

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28457

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By workworkwork - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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25403

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By Down - United States

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

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By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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22092

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By stew - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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21278

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By popeye - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By Noname - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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56402

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By What a happy day - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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52427

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Issues

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#1743261 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:06

You're going to be eaten up for your wording there, darling!~

By ilikethebeatles | 0

#1743442 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

^^sure you did...

COMMENTS

By bmexoxo98 | 0

#1743239 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:02

first!?

By KiaMaster | 0

#1743243 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:03

sounds like my job...

SHAAAAAARK | 1

#1743427 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:29

just give him a hand and continue with your job.

underguarded | 20

#1743507 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:43

LOL

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1743802 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 11:19

OP you say it likes its a bad thing. i see it as an opportunity, just marry the guy and wait till he kicks the bucket and BAM! you are rich.

ShadyFTW1 | 0

#1745341 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:08

10 comment and picture win. And 27 made it better.

sloppyflow | 1

#1745900 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:02

I certainly hope op isn't a guy :x

InfamousRaider | 15

#5522564 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 23:35

I wonder what happened after that?

By twinny_sc | 13

#1743245 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:03

Stalkers are fun!

By Mirorbo | 26

#1743261 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:06

You're going to be eaten up for your wording there, darling!~

Freeze_fml | 16

#1743467 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:36

I see what you did there.

6969awesome | 0

#1744094 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:48

I don't

malheartsnutmeg | 20

#1745960 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 19:42

30, It's implied that the 'old' man will take 4 hours to 'get off' too.

Freeze_fml | 16

#1746013 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 20:34

Mirorbo said she's going to be eaten up.

By xLil_Mx | 0

#1743330 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:13

I would slap him :| I got slapping issues as you can see :P

MonkeyMan03 | 0

#1743985 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 12:20

then she'd most likely get fired

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2001868 - Monday 24 January 2011 12:58

thank you

By FYLDeep | 25

#1743387 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:23

You deserve it for giving him alcohol.

Litlmae | 4

#5343236 - Monday 28 January 2013 2:06

She said a drink, not alcohol...

By jakeisawake | 3

#1743403 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:26

Better hope you can book it out of there before the old man catches you.

By AAShah | 0

#1743431 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:30

I feel your pain OP

I had a stalker too.
He would call me and say we should have phone sex.
Or meet up at a hotel.

BloodyHeel | 8

#1744338 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 14:10

Fascinating.

By ilikethebeatles | 0

#1743442 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

^^sure you did...

By mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1743444 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:32

fail