Miscellaneous: Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly...

By Anonymous

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Buzzing the tower

My body, my choice

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

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By Anon - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

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By downgirl - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML

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By unsatisfying - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By Claire - 17/12/2020 17:01

The real me

Today, I finally told my parents I'm trans. My dad started crying and told me he loved me no matter what. My mother threw a chair at me, and told my dad it was his "wife-like" behaviour that made me this way. She then prayed out loud for an hour for God to send her a real husband and son. FML

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By PiMan - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By StromyG2 - United States

Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By benji - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By booty backfire - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML

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By the_music_major - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By Ariel_Mariaa - Canada

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

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By eightleggedtictac - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

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By seriously - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By springbreak09 - Mexico

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML

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By colts609380 - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

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By Orangehead - United States

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

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By Mrs.Slyfox - Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 11:01

Pace yourself

Today, for my 18th birthday, I went out to a club with my mate and I drank so much I ended up breaking my nose. I was there for an hour. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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By jazopalchris - Australia - Mount Gambier

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

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Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

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Top comments

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7390062 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:04

Definitely want to get to a doctors ASAP to make sure you haven't ruptured an eardrum.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7390085 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:33

That's unheard of!

COMMENTS

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7390062 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:04

Definitely want to get to a doctors ASAP to make sure you haven't ruptured an eardrum.

By tommyfox | 19

#7390063 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:08

Sounds like a tiring experience.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7390074 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:18

Are you blind too? Can't you look to see if the other ear is bleeding?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7390085 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:33

That's unheard of!

By ImGoth | 15

#7390105 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:56

I hope you're typing this at the hospital

By zainman13 | 26

#7390110 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:03

Medical Attention Now!!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7390125 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:34

You can't do it like masturbation otherwise it ends messy.

By Bekll | 30

#7390126 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:35

You should go to an ENT and make sure your ear drum hadn't burst! Also, tinnitus can be permanent so don't listen to any loud music for a few weeks that can cause any more damage.

By tj4234 | 35

#7390249 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 0:34

As someone with permanently damaged ears I can confirm you want to get that checked out ASAP.