Miscellaneous: Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly...

By Anonymous

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Modern Family

Not now, please

By Grace

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By chap - 11/7/2020 02:01

Monetize your shit life

Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML

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1422

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By Bad Parent

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 08:02

Lingo

Today, I was alarmed to hear my daughter's boyfriend talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. She has no children. Turns out he was referring to himself taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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31588

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By Anyonehiring - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

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12814

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By forever single, I guess - United States

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

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37662

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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51885

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By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

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By Varnpike

Today, I was messaging memes back and forth with one of my female coworkers and I accidentally sent a junk pic. FML

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1579

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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23235

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 07:01 - United States - Fort Worth

UTI

Today, while studying in the library, I felt a sudden urge to pass gas. There were not too many people around, so I let it go while in my seat and it went unnoticed. What caught the attention of everybody was the puddle slowly forming under my seat. Turns out, I farted so hard I pissed myself. FML

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449

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By HoShiz - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

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31398

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By Taylor - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

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10927

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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1467

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435

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63499

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

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35780

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By SadFoxLady - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

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37742

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By PokeTheBear - Canada

Today, my coworkers decided to play a game of "Who Can Piss the Boss Off the Most". I opted not to play, but I still won. FML

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50525

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

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24441

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By JackieD - United States - Bellevue

Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML

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42024

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By Popscene - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

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By anouk05 - Switzerland

Too much Pornhub

Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

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32681

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By NoSpirit

Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML

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32892

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By ohforcheese - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

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29534

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By fuckcops - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

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22751

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By rawr

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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1339

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By stephanie

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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4462

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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31487

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By out of the closet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

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15740

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By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

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36205

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By Sammylad - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

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30842

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By rachel - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

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27639

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Den Dungen

Today, I fell asleep while taking a dump. At work. FML

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15917

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4797

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2457

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By lezbplove - Canada

Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55461

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22961

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By HereToLaughAtU - United States - Des Moines

Wait, what?

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37380

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By dumbo - United States

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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56098

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Top comments

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7390062 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:04

Definitely want to get to a doctors ASAP to make sure you haven't ruptured an eardrum.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7390085 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:33

That's unheard of!

COMMENTS

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7390062 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:04

Definitely want to get to a doctors ASAP to make sure you haven't ruptured an eardrum.

By tommyfox | 19

#7390063 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:08

Sounds like a tiring experience.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7390074 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:18

Are you blind too? Can't you look to see if the other ear is bleeding?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7390085 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:33

That's unheard of!

By ImGoth | 15

#7390105 - Monday 16 January 2017 20:56

I hope you're typing this at the hospital

By zainman13 | 26

#7390110 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:03

Medical Attention Now!!

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7390125 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:34

You can't do it like masturbation otherwise it ends messy.

By Bekll | 30

#7390126 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:35

You should go to an ENT and make sure your ear drum hadn't burst! Also, tinnitus can be permanent so don't listen to any loud music for a few weeks that can cause any more damage.

By tj4234 | 35

#7390249 - Tuesday 17 January 2017 0:34

As someone with permanently damaged ears I can confirm you want to get that checked out ASAP.