Miscellaneous: Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping... - FML

By Anon O'Mous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Rock, hard place

By shotdown - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 05:01

Metal Cat

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

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By LoveGlove - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

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By TheCrackerNinja - United States

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

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By dwhitehouse - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

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By Malíya - United States - Perth Amboy

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

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By pinkblankets - United States

Today, I woke up with really dry, chapped lips. Still in bed, without my glasses on, I sleepily reached down into my purse for some chapstick and applied it. Upon awakening later I realized I had mistaken a mini Sharpie permanent marker for chapstick. I have a job interview today. FML

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By loki - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

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By Jacquelinez - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

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By obese_chicken - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

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By pignose

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By Pantess at work - 30/3/2021 16:00 - United States

Ripper

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML

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By pool party - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

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By gkline09 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 17:01

What a tool

Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML.

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By LucyLollipop

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By uvagirl - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

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By elovan - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Ivry-sur-seine

Today, a man in a hurry asked me for a light. Not being able to find my lighter amongst the muddle inside my handbag, I handed him my lit cigarette so he could light his. He took it from me, started smoking it and walked off. FML

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By eyeamcool - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

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By Thefaller

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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By "daddyrobyn"

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By fmlmao

Today, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go snowboarding with friends to cheer myself up. I fell on the first trail and broke my dominant wrist. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

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By brokennose - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By hatemyboss - United States - Alameda

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

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By Amrit - 3/4/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Eastenders

Today, I found out that a few years ago, when I lost my kids to my ex-wife, it was because my current wife secretly hated having to be their stepmom, so she conspired with my ex to ruin the custody hearing in my ex's favour. FML

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By superclutz - United States

Oh, hello…

Today, I left something in my boss's office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breast feeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

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By Whatever479 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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Top comments

By Xquisite1 | 28

#3821016 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:53

At least you weren't knocked unconscious while naked.

By ClassyCommando | 13

#3821217 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:24

In a gym shower full of men? Well, I respect your choice.

COMMENTS

By jonathanje2 | 0

#3821015 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:53

That's soo pro...

Reply

KelpForBrains | 0

#3821083 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:03

As pro as number 1's comment.

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821092 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:05

OP has catlike reflexes. Show some respect.

Reply

TheMaster15 | 10

#3821618 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:06

For real. If that were me, my reaction would be about 16.3 minutes late. OP is pro.

Reply

Teehee2 | 0

#3821620 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:07

I would jump the bubblegum popper.

Reply

bfrench95 | 0

#3821656 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:24

Who chews gum in the damn showers? Dafuq?

Reply

jbaby69 | 0

#3821697 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:48

AHHHHH GUM!!!!! D:

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3821703 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:49

I read "popping" as pooping… could have been much worse OP you could have pooped yourself

Reply

cookie_3008 | 4

#3821732 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:08

Well, aren't you a bit skiddish?... Can't imagine what your reaction was during the fireworks for New Years. ^_^

Reply

danny1023 | 0

#3821925 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:28

I really like ops user name lol
Creative

Reply

MrLookAtThere | 10

#3822196 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 0:51

Stop this gibber gabber, that was no bubble gum, that popping sound was your dignity bursting

Reply

Trainwizard | 1

#4693370 - Monday 16 July 2012 5:15

"And so I'm singing in the shower Ooooh I'm singing in thHOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFJESUS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!?!?!?"

By Xquisite1 | 28

#3821016 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:53

At least you weren't knocked unconscious while naked.

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3821140 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:10

No but bleeding profusely is just as good.

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821154 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:12

"Leaving a SMALL GASH".
Not exactly profuse bleeding.

Reply

FMtechL | 0

#3821340 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:47

But that's how I get half my dates...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821381 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:55

How in the fuck do you get the other half?

Reply

GoW_Chick | 14

#3821518 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:32

23- that's true but don't head wounds bleed out more than others?

Reply

testthecoal | 5

#3821521 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:32

Candy, compliments, and roofies.

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821553 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:40

...not necessarily in that order;)

Reply

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#3821737 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:10

55- Head wounds bleed like crazy, they usually look a helluva lot worse then they actually are due to being very vascular.

Reply

planetsmurf | 6

#3821816 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:35

82-not always has it also depends on what the OP considers a small gash, there is no universal measurement for small. And the OP never mentioned alot of blood which I would think would have been a point to make in the story

Reply

bitchesbecrazy2 | 4

#3822019 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 0:23

55 - I'm pretty sure I've played gears with you before

By DontModMeDammit | 10

#3821023 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:53

I would just think someone is napping someone with a towel...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821242 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:29

Yeah, who the hell is this "Bubbles" guy anyway? I hear he gets mad dome.

Reply

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3821426 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:06

wanna hear a clean joke? Bobby was taking a bath with bubbles.

wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man!

Reply

GoW_Chick | 14

#3821506 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:28

Anyone else noticed 3 said napping instead of snapping, confused the hell out of me I mean why would someone be sleeping with a towel or is that some sort of new weird fetish I haven't discovered yet?

Reply

aurynforever | 11

#3821539 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:38

I thought bubbles was a chimp.

By YaboyVinnie | 21

#3821025 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:53

Pop! Bubble and brains open.

Reply

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3821488 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:22

Who blows bubbles in the shower? No no your coach was getting a little extra treatment from a cheerleader and his old wood couldn't take it.

Reply

neal001 | 0

#3821754 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:17

Tell thoose kids stop making dangerous noises.

Reply

ImInYourFACEbook | 8

#3822021 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 0:23

Hey 4, your comment reminded me of Bubblicious Bursts!

By madiishuman | 0

#3821028 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:54

That blows. Lol.

Reply

fuckoffbabe | 3

#3821610 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:02

I see what you did there.

Reply

Liimitless | 6

#3821634 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:15

I have no fucking clue what he was doing there. Enlighten me.

Reply

madiishuman | 0

#3821651 - Monday 2 January 2012 21:22

It's just a shitty pun lol. I enjoy puns.

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#3821824 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:38

72 You a see a picture of a woman and the first thing that pops into your head is the commenter being a 'he'? Right...

Reply

Liimitless | 6

#3821833 - Monday 2 January 2012 22:40

I meant she but forgot the s whn I typed it. Sorry if I hurt your feelings bud

Reply

wilbiepig_fml | 0

#3827697 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 5:32

Blows.. blowing bubbles.. get it?

By JumbledGirl | 2

#3821033 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:54

Popping gum is quite startling sometimes

By linnybear831 | 4

#3821041 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:56

Haha I would have probably done the same thing! *high fives*

Reply

flockz | 19

#3821416 - Monday 2 January 2012 20:04

did you just high five yourself?

Reply

Sniperkid07 | 6

#3821931 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:29

I'm pretty sure he did because it's just me and you here, and it sure as hell wasn't me....

By Sweenygirl15 | 0

#3821046 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:56

Did you ask for some gum?

By CalCommando | 6

#3821063 - Monday 2 January 2012 18:59

Squid move.

By Buzzy123 | 7

#3821079 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:01

I would rather someone blowing me then that gum..

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3821217 - Monday 2 January 2012 19:24

In a gym shower full of men? Well, I respect your choice.

Reply

Sniperkid07 | 6

#3821935 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:31

Do you really..... Because I don't.

Reply

CoachBangWhore | 5

#3822176 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 0:46

You sick fuck

Reply

Sniperkid07 | 6

#3823920 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 10:17

Me or 10?