Miscellaneous: Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had... - FML

By doneanddone - 28/02/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 691

You deserved it 8 717

Empathy lives

Triage

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 05:19 - Australia

Today, at work, I dropped a heavy block of lead on my hand. On my hunt for ice, I had to tell my manager - who told her manager, who told the chief - in the end, the whole department found out and they made me fill in two long arsed incident reports. I had to fill them in myself with my busted up hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 894

You deserved it 3 233

By bootycall:( - 15/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I went on what I thought was my fifth date with a guy. We finally got intimate and it was amazing. As soon as it was over, he said : "Sorry babe, I should get going. I have a date tomorrow and I'd hate to be tired for it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 823

You deserved it 1 217

By savanna(: - 12/02/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 044

You deserved it 17 813

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 480

You deserved it 5 660

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 02:33

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 589

You deserved it 244

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

By itwasntme - 07/09/2019 16:00

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 118

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 729

You deserved it 8 950

By Kelly - 02/04/2012 18:44 - United States - Roseville

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 804

You deserved it 3 314

By Fire sucks. - 17/01/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 450

You deserved it 4 635

By QueenCee - 02/04/2015 02:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at work, a guy complained about me "touching his fries." At first I thought it was a joke, because he kept smiling, even after I offered him new ones. I realized it wasn't a joke when he threw the fries on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 903

You deserved it 2 513

By earlytermination - 06/09/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 972

You deserved it 2 429

Apple juice, motherfucker

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 718

You deserved it 2 865

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 145

You deserved it 65 054

By Imretarded - 24/05/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 843

You deserved it 13 534

By LostSleep - 24/05/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 689

You deserved it 774

By anonymous - 19/02/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 681

You deserved it 3 246

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Spicy

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 467

You deserved it 7 680

By auraya1985 - 12/09/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 234

You deserved it 1 868

By Sidney - 05/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 490

You deserved it 15 676

Mr Whiskers

By Anonymous - 29/05/2020 14:00

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 306

By imscrewed - 29/07/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 263

You deserved it 4 108

By Lonely School Kid - 30/07/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 545

You deserved it 2 137

Mixed messages

By mook - 15/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesn't know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 136

You deserved it 5 661

By coral - 08/07/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 536

You deserved it 12 360

By Scooter - 25/09/2018 05:00

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 533

You deserved it 693

By Cherie - 07/12/2010 18:25 - United States

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 121

You deserved it 6 802

Customers from hell

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 06:01

Today, an older customer ran up to me and did a open-mouthed, panting growl in my face, with her face 2 inches from my mine. She then laughed and said, “I only do this to men” and then left the store without buying anything. My mask was down and she didn’t have one at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 219

By babysheets - 17/03/2012 16:22 - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 348

You deserved it 4 340

By Anonymous - 08/06/2013 19:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 561

You deserved it 9 502

Counterstrike

By Anonymous - 30/01/2010 05:40 - United States

Today, I took my 8 year-old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child, and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 305

You deserved it 3 474

By RadYoHeaD - 04/12/2008 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 195

You deserved it 21 643

Working for the weekend

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 08:00

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 124

By donnap - 09/06/2012 05:54 - United States - North Highlands

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 334

You deserved it 4 697

By Username - 22/04/2011 14:42

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 055

You deserved it 5 218

By Angry - 04/08/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 826

You deserved it 7 156

No, you do it!

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 08:01

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 53

By ThirteenThirteen - 01/04/2015 22:09 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I was sent the script to a play I'm participating in at school. After reading it a couple of times, I noticed that my part has been forgotten completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 887

You deserved it 2 019

By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 157

You deserved it 206

By faeliality - 18/04/2016 08:39 - United States

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 661

You deserved it 1 343

By Anaconda - 07/03/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 390

You deserved it 1 875

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Sunday 1 March 2009 2:06

That sucks. Watch your keys around drunk people, I guess.

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 8:12

sounds like maybe he forgot on purpose somebody likes you and wanted you to stay over

Comments

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Sunday 1 March 2009 2:06

That sucks. Watch your keys around drunk people, I guess.

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Sunday 1 March 2009 2:59

Haha, this sorta thing happened to me only someone who was drinking put my phone in his safe. :( Luckily i convinced him to get it out before he was smashed.

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Sunday 1 March 2009 4:47

Hey #5, since you're the genius here, find the part in this FML where it says the OP was drinking.

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Sunday 1 March 2009 6:25

...So?

MissSarcasm01 18

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Sunday 12 January 2014 19:48

So she couldn't get home

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Sunday 1 March 2009 8:12

This reminds me of this one time my friend and I were drinking at my house. The both of us were really, really drunk. Something triggered in his head and a good night of drinking turned into him being emotional; both sad and angry. It got to the point where he was so mad that he just wanted to go home. Well, only problem was he couldn't find his keys... so he breaks his own car window with a big rock. Still couldn't find his keys.

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 8:12

sounds like maybe he forgot on purpose somebody likes you and wanted you to stay over

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 11:35

So i was there that night. The OP never found his keys. And no, no one was driving. We live in a city

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 7:24

That sux. Next time keep them out of reach

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Wednesday 10 June 2009 17:29

@14... ummm what does living in a city have to do with not driving...?

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Wednesday 2 December 2009 8:06

ever seen beerfest? get him really drunk again and see if he remembers where he put em!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 295