Miscellaneous: Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available...

By valene5687 - United States - Gretna

Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML

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Miscellaneous

You're a natural

Goodbye phone

Never engage with psychos

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

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By tftm - United States - Elmhurst

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

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By fuck kids - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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By nickyboy - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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By maggie2014 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

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By - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

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By SoClose - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By Axlgrows

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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2373

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By crazygirl - Canada

Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I gave a nice set of beer bottles with glasses. When my name was called I naturally picked the biggest gift. I got groceries. I now have dog food and men's body spray. I don't have a boyfriend or a dog. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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By womanlover12345 - Spain

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

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39564

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By me - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By Ralph - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

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By Lexi - Canada

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

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By -1 friend - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

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By snakeboy - Australia

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

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By LinaLinaYeah - Canada

Today, my mom gave me my boyfriend's boxers that she'd washed after finding them in my camping bag. The boxers had "Big Banana" written all over them, along with pictures of bananas. FML

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By Chaosfigure

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By Gomer - United States - New York

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

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By IhateThem - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Vassy - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Nazi-chef - United States - Tucson

No mash for you!

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By kit_kat14 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

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By ZG_Rules - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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By hurt - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML

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5209

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By Gangnam - Sweden - Bromma

Today, while at a red light, a guy in a tux and sunglasses doing the Gangnam Style passed over the crossing, followed by a man with a video camera. This isn't the first time I've stopped for people doing a Gangnam Style parody. FML

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By not mine! - 16/6/2020 05:07

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By Hopeless

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

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Top comments

By Mpii | 11

#6521276 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:05

Cheer up OP. None of us would have made it in easily. However you might want to highten your security. If you can make it in, so can someone else.

By pjsr | 32

#6521297 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:36

Only a ninja

COMMENTS

By Gamminger | 9

#6521274 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:04

Well.. at least you tried

By Mpii | 11

#6521276 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:05

Cheer up OP. None of us would have made it in easily. However you might want to highten your security. If you can make it in, so can someone else.

pjsr | 32

#6521297 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:36

Only a ninja

M3DO | 24

#6521562 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 20:30

Haha, I used to get locked out all the time when noones home and I went through the windows and backyard. Looks like watching 007 finally helped me in something

aahm1403 | 5

#6522934 - Friday 29 January 2016 3:18

I don't think security was the issue, he broke a window to get in. Anyone can break a window lol.

By Tripartita | 44

#6521277 - Wednesday 27 January 2016 15:07

As a general rule of thumb, if your plan can best be described by using a noun as a verb, it's a bad plan. Unfortunately, this also means no Photoshopping or favoriting videos on YouTube.