Miscellaneous: Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million... - FML

By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40477

You deserved it

29149

Tweet

Share

Business school of business school

Can't handle it

Renters' rights

By Look's like she's paying all of it now.

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3740

You deserved it

315

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1163

You deserved it

102

Tweet

Share

By HorrorByrd - Canada

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45952

You deserved it

14153

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my drunk neighbor informed me that if I don't keep my skunk out of his yard, he's going to call the cops. I live in town, and it's a wild skunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1573

You deserved it

88

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38244

You deserved it

5825

Tweet

Share

By drive thru madness - United States - Amherst

Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8974

You deserved it

918

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1930

You deserved it

114

Tweet

Share

By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51711

You deserved it

2771

Tweet

Share

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24041

You deserved it

4408

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

I agree, your life sucks

55238

You deserved it

23250

Tweet

Share

By NoUsernamHere - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27777

You deserved it

2438

Tweet

Share

By WhyM3Th0ugh - United States - Sunnyside

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24923

You deserved it

1658

Tweet

Share

By thechad_144 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11072

You deserved it

52969

Tweet

Share

By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9223

You deserved it

89118

Tweet

Share

By Sad guy - 8/1/2021 20:01 - United States - Baltimore

Brotherly love

Today, I felt so lonely that I was almost jealous of the way Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon playfully express affection for each other on CNN. FML

I agree, your life sucks

593

You deserved it

196

Tweet

Share

By h4rdy - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12164

You deserved it

36996

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58689

You deserved it

4325

Tweet

Share

By troll of a gran - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35750

You deserved it

4826

Tweet

Share

By ohshittttttt - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22467

You deserved it

158136

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45291

You deserved it

4342

Tweet

Share

By MerryDeathmas - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12509

You deserved it

29902

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31307

You deserved it

5019

Tweet

Share

By morningeyes - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18074

You deserved it

94907

Tweet

Share

By Gonzales - Belgium - Leuven

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26622

You deserved it

5618

Tweet

Share

By no love - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22303

You deserved it

3300

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11068

You deserved it

35801

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4418

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15896

You deserved it

58228

Tweet

Share

By mitchellcrawford - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7044

You deserved it

10025

Tweet

Share

By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30720

You deserved it

1877

Tweet

Share

By hannaholic - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60400

You deserved it

4896

Tweet

Share

By MemoKrosav - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20220

You deserved it

4519

Tweet

Share

By jdch_99 - United States

Today, the pharmacist warned me that my antibiotics might cause slight gastrointestinal distress. The fact that I have been on the john for the past 90 minutes drenched in sweat would lead me to believe our definitions of "slight" are a bit different. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25194

You deserved it

1632

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1213

You deserved it

363

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50209

You deserved it

12801

Tweet

Share

By RichardPencil - United States

Today, I thought everyone was smiling at me because they liked my "skateboarding behind a police motorcycle" prank. Turns out, they all saw the open sewer manhole 10 metres ahead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

739

You deserved it

158

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48074

You deserved it

3397

Tweet

Share

By itachi desu

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3332

You deserved it

527

Tweet

Share

By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34959

You deserved it

3944

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3710

You deserved it

413

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Shadic | 0

#138209 - Friday 24 April 2009 1:58

If you had a million dollars, you could get singing lessons.

By friedkabob1225 | 0

#138238 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:04

dont take it personally, anyone who would give a million dollars for a person to stop singing must be a retard anyway

COMMENTS

By Shadic | 0

#138209 - Friday 24 April 2009 1:58

If you had a million dollars, you could get singing lessons.

Reply

brunettesara5722 | 17

#1450348 - Friday 24 September 2010 4:57

lol I would sing louder to make him even madder

Reply

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2426870 - Friday 29 April 2011 2:04

exactly wat i was thinking

By xobeachbabe | 0

#138210 - Friday 24 April 2009 1:58

Ouch!
Well I guess we know you won't have a career in singing

By qqqppp | 0

#138211 - Friday 24 April 2009 1:59

pics or it didn't happen.

By ddrluna | 2

#138221 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:00

What an asshole. Even if you do suck at singing, he didn't have to be so rude about it.

By acertijo | 0

#138222 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:00

lol. how intolerant!
Looks like you can't sing. right? HAHAHA

Reply

someone2me2 | 1

#967218 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 7:11

Funniest FML ever
LOL

Reply

hahaitsmattheau | 0

#1048622 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 12:16

no this is: Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

By the_boss_fml | 0

#138230 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:02

maybe you shouldn't suck so much at singing? I don't think many people here will give you any sympathy for being an atrocious singer, so just do everybody a favor and shut up.

By whenpigzfly | 0

#138234 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:02

What an ass, but that IS hilarious! Don't quit your day job, my friend. =]

By jaanejonas | 0

#138235 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:03

Hahh, it's one of the best ones today, I laughed so hard :D

By friedkabob1225 | 0

#138238 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:04

dont take it personally, anyone who would give a million dollars for a person to stop singing must be a retard anyway

By skinnyjeans_fml | 0

#138240 - Friday 24 April 2009 2:04

Neighbor FTW, that's hilarious. Although it was a little rude.

Reply

Lozza111 | 0

#945483 - Sunday 14 March 2010 10:21

lol yeah he was probibly just trying to be funny