Dirty Dancing Fail

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

Help! I need somebody!

This is fine

Clean break

By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

803

109

Today, my idiot boss placed an expensive order for anti-bullying banners that read: "Take a stand against bullying!" This would be fine if I didn't work in a specialized school for children in wheelchairs. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Beaverton

24990

1844

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37318

4604

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML

By jane smith - Australia

43406

17980

Today, my 5-year-old figured out that if he has a mouthful of milk and he blows really hard, he can blow the milk out of his nose like twin fire hoses. I’ve washed the carpet twice in the past day, and my house still stinks of rotten dairy. FML

By Anonymous

1748

215

Today, I was waxing my legs and somehow dropped an enormous dollop of hot wax on my naked crotch. I refused to yank it off, but still had to cut it off with scissors. So now I have a huge patch of pubic hair way shorter than the rest of it. It looks a right mess FML

By Anonymous

Waxing pubical

959

913

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

By fnfantastic - United States - Warsaw

11326

30151

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

By David - 15/8/2020 17:07

No wings

531

2583

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

By jumpy - United States

30541

6525

Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML

By noname - France

32408

2494

Today, my dad opened a Chinese fortune cookie that read, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Now he won't stop calling me Experience. FML

By Experience - United States - Waynesfield

40926

3567

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

38506

3030

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

By Anonymous - United States

John Coltrane

74427

21953

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

2015

133

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

43162

3324

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

By wipeoffincircles - United States - Gresham

3426

475

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

748

229

Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML

By orgasmsareoverratedanyway - Norway - Myre

34788

5225

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

By soembarrassed - Australia

47369

12424

Today, during my shift at a restaurant, my boss's daughter came in. I couldn't help but notice that she was almost popping out of her low-cut top. After having a private chat with her, my boss took me aside and said, "My daughter's got eyes you know, not just a pair of tits". FML

By Cody - United States

Look up here

14891

53653

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

54350

5579

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

By BrittUnicorn - United States - Morristown

30552

3653

Today, my mother offered to pay for my tickets to go see my girlfriend who I haven't seen for 6 months. She was happy to pay for the £130 flight, but then refused half way through the purchase because she wasn't going to "let the buggers charge £13 extra" for using her credit card. FML

By Grounded - United Kingdom

26948

3524

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

By Julez - United States

29195

13614

Today, I discovered that the father of my son cheated on me, but with fake sex bots that pretend to be real people. I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him cheating, or the fact that he couldn’t even get it right. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 13:58 - New Zealand

Doofus

862

159

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

By momlife - Canada - Ajax

19008

2056

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

By Savingforplasticsurgery

4323

2406

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

By Awkward - United States

69452

7863

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

By HellaBomber91 - United States

28579

8868

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

By spermbankonlegs - United States

36540

4851

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

By firelava - United States - Grand Prairie

39317

9763

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

By pauper

25197

8731

Today, my boyfriend said that we can "maybe have sleepovers" at his house when he FINALLY moves out. He's 24, and we've been dating for 6 years. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

28368

8057

Today, we were having a school prize giving. I heard my name called and I walked up to the stage waving and smiling, feeling rather proud of myself. I stood by the microphone and started my acceptance speech, only to be tapped on the shoulder by the girl they actually called up. FML

By Jessey - United Kingdom

23742

47741

Today, my neighbor asked me to check in on his pet. When I went into his house, I couldn't find any animals. I searched all over, and finally gave up and called him. I asked him what type of pet he had. His response? "My pet rock, Stubby." That's right, I just spent some time looking for a rock. FML

By mikalovernj - 27/11/2020 14:02

Pets are life

964

125

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

By OverweightTeen - Canada

12946

24836

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

By JJMan217 - Canada

16246

76646

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newark

28124

3102

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - Denmark - Odense

19824

1804