Dirty Dancing Fail

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

Creepy

Great speech, thanks!

Deep-seated resentment

By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

2536

344

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

By Anon - 15/5/2015 13:58 - United States - Lakeville

26103

4036

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

37377

2975

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

By icantdrive - 19/3/2009 04:22 - Canada

18246

73177

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

By speechless - 2/11/2010 17:20 - Canada

28822

3724

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

By madisonbubch - 23/9/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

31812

3054

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

By kirsty - 8/4/2012 17:18 - Canada - Calgary

35322

9340

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

46050

3814

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

13415

34540

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 19:50 - United States - Powell

41767

9076

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 20:16 - United States

46612

3850

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

By mac cayne - 2/5/2014 03:13 - France - Strasbourg

28745

48581

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

By ohgosh1428 - 18/7/2019 04:00

1725

141

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 20:26 - United States - Houston

62608

18174

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

By myboyfriendisweird - 5/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Phoenix

31141

6631

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

24793

2275

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

By Garcia2284 - 13/9/2018 13:00

2852

139

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

By KittKatt - 20/5/2015 05:34 - United States - Lehighton

28892

4529

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

By E_Sauce - 24/3/2019 12:00

1693

314

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

37163

3270

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 20:17 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

62898

4574

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

By Chan - 23/1/2010 03:16 - United States

10073

40467

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

By LaurenB - 7/6/2012 18:12 - United States - Epping

36371

5248

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

By dole_out_the_fml - 20/5/2009 17:36 - Canada

59100

4558

Today, I walked over to join a group of friends and heard them talking about how hot some guy was but how ugly his sister was. I asked who they were talking about and there was an awkward silence, they hadn't realized I was there. Apparently, they were talking about my brother. FML

By ellarose - 10/4/2009 18:46 - United States

54785

3243

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

By FML - 4/9/2015 16:27 - United States - Maricopa

22583

1708

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

By anonymous - 5/3/2014 05:43 - United States - League City

47228

3622

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

By notestojenn - 5/7/2012 02:55 - United States - Manchester

23902

2085

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

452

1936

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

27735

1773

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

2649

166

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

By notguilty - 15/8/2009 23:24 - United States

49318

22877

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 09:57 - United Kingdom

9385

24457

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 00:52 - United States - Ithaca

54200

23562

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

By Deweyboy - 30/10/2016 04:23

9659

705

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

By dumped - 5/6/2009 17:14 - United States

95687

6228

Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

By "socially awkward cupcake " - 26/9/2017 23:15

2630

339

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - 7/8/2013 20:55 - Sweden

48980

5658

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 17:21 - United States

201774

21665