Miscellaneous: Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop... - FML

By htothecr - 03/05/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 176

You deserved it 140 888

Good kid

Nutter on the bus

Tradwife expectations

By MJB - 02/04/2017 22:00

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 962

You deserved it 393

By Username - 09/02/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 325

You deserved it 3 096

Hot and… greasy

By cortanaisahobot - 19/07/2012 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 6 190

By NewFiancee - 11/08/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 183

You deserved it 9 590

By MILF - 16/04/2014 22:03 - United States - Maryland Heights

Spicy

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 910

You deserved it 6 680

By Emma - 05/01/2016 03:08 - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 687

You deserved it 5 452

At risk

By coius - 21/07/2020 05:01

Today, after being on steroids to suppress my immune system, I found out it causes pulmonary embolisms. If I stop taking my steroids, my body will try to kill me, but if I take the steroids, the meds will try to kill me. I’m only 35 and was fit before this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 144

Emergency cooking

By YoshiSqu4d - 31/07/2020 20:01

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 342

By Distraught - 01/03/2011 21:08 - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 008

You deserved it 6 630

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 16:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 795

You deserved it 234

Picture game

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 2 106

By blondieforlife - 04/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Racine

Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 448

You deserved it 3 572

By ali - 03/07/2012 11:51 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 295

You deserved it 46 590

By Co-B - 03/09/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 833

You deserved it 60 737

Booze gone wrong

By Anonymous - 21/02/2017 09:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 692

You deserved it 721

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 627

You deserved it 3 432

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 674

You deserved it 4 347

By Wenny - 18/01/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 308

You deserved it 2 961

By footyfallout - 16/08/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 123

You deserved it 53 552

Too much irony

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 11:00

Today, I tried to schedule a counseling appointment so I could vent about the lack of quality control in software. The online scheduler said to call. The secretary scheduled my appointment then said the system would send an email with the appointment link. The email did not contain any links. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 91

By Hopeless romantic - 16/08/2014 06:20 - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 443

You deserved it 10 293

By Ewwwwww - 04/02/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 678

You deserved it 3 331

By DeadlyKitten - 20/02/2017 05:00 - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 089

You deserved it 695

By single pringle - 05/11/2014 01:16 - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 845

You deserved it 4 413

By Good tenant - 03/05/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 361

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 14:10

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 184

You deserved it 1 388

By Third trimester - 26/05/2017 17:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 621

You deserved it 392

By ohdang - 12/08/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 288

You deserved it 12 846

By great - 25/01/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 683

You deserved it 6 530

By Anonymous - 14/07/2012 14:43 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 568

You deserved it 5 170

By TayRenee - 30/01/2017 14:00 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 494

You deserved it 464

By overexcited - 02/02/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 998

You deserved it 38 465

By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 625

You deserved it 5 360

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 295

You deserved it 8 972

Ouch

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 02:03

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 487

By nonmormon - 18/07/2009 16:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 024

You deserved it 4 259

Stuck

By Tabeling101 - 12/12/2016 01:51

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 563

You deserved it 1 426

By Anonymous - 29/04/2019 14:00

Today, after the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office and since he became buddy buddy with management, they believed him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 1 838

By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Spicy

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 294

You deserved it 16 904

By Peach - 05/12/2017 15:00

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 128

You deserved it 445

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

why would you eat candy and smoke at the same time? doesn't the taste of the cigarette kind of overpower the taste of the candy?

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

YDI for smoking.

Comments

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

why would you eat candy and smoke at the same time? doesn't the taste of the cigarette kind of overpower the taste of the candy?

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 5:33

Did it taste good?

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Sunday 14 March 2010 4:46

u dumbshit

VampireKiller59 0

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Friday 9 April 2010 16:35

thats what u get for smoking

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Saturday 29 May 2010 0:06

agreed 222

whoisthisgirl 4

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Wednesday 1 December 2010 10:32

don't smoke then shithead

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Monday 23 May 2011 3:53

222, only 1 third evil

stuffhappens223 7

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Sunday 1 January 2012 10:59

Exactly my thoughts

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Sunday 10 November 2013 6:13

Maybe she had the candy to help get rid of the flavor of the cigar

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

Why were you holding both? Lol. Doesn't that taste nasty?

JJ_86 22

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Friday 30 May 2014 1:46

I don't see how she could have licked the lit part. You hold cigarette and lollipop in totally different ways. And the only part of cigarette she would have licked accidently is the non-lit end.

PerditaDessa 38

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Tuesday 2 September 2014 11:22

273, Assuming OP was holding the non-lit end it'd make sense to lick the 'top' which would be the lit side. You don't lick the sticks of suckers.

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

Hahaha sounds like something I would do. That's why you DON'T multitask with cigs, let alone smoke cigs in the first place.

AK 2

Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

What the hell were you doing holding both?

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Friday 15 July 2011 2:47

The lollipop?

ZombieVampirez 24

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Thursday 30 April 2015 1:35

Because OP has no brain.

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

YDI for smoking.

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Tuesday 6 July 2010 5:31

definitely.

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Friday 20 August 2010 5:26

no no noo....you deserve it for smokin cancer sticks....... burn treess maynee.....

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:11

yeah. GRoss. Ouch. Don't smoke (: Or eat refined sugar. Then that won't happen (: hahah.

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:12

Lol gotta agree with #5...

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:12

Who has a lollipop and a cigarette at the same time anyway? o.O

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:12

the lollipop?

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Monday 4 May 2009 1:12

Smokers suck.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 8

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339

You deserved it 910

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 1 106