Transportation: Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger... - FML

By Aether - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

136639

You deserved it

7573

Tweet

Share

BO Central

Sick burn

Facebook Science

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

I agree, your life sucks

51326

You deserved it

4404

Tweet

Share

By WTF?!?! - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16775

You deserved it

40174

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 21:01 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Dick appointment

Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. He kept rubbing it and moaning, "Oooooh, I bet you like that, baby." No, sir, I certainly did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1367

You deserved it

240

Tweet

Share

By sad - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31054

You deserved it

36446

Tweet

Share

By APoorGuy - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18542

You deserved it

1905

Tweet

Share

By gotitEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25079

You deserved it

6836

Tweet

Share

By ihateithere

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2561

You deserved it

208

Tweet

Share

By lawl - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40241

You deserved it

12073

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 20:06

Don't drag me into this

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1300

You deserved it

103

Tweet

Share

By purpleskylight - United States - Lexington

Today, I tried for 45 minutes to convince my psychiatrist to take me off my antidepressant. When he finally agreed to do so, I broke down into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Hello, increased prescription. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17039

You deserved it

22564

Tweet

Share

By moe - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34898

You deserved it

3916

Tweet

Share

By teachingsucks - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11717

You deserved it

24950

Tweet

Share

By Me - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39688

You deserved it

2059

Tweet

Share

By sonice - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27357

You deserved it

1859

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25473

You deserved it

4997

Tweet

Share

By clumsyandpoor - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39575

You deserved it

3856

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML

I agree, your life sucks

15425

You deserved it

66154

Tweet

Share

By aoliver03

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3099

You deserved it

297

Tweet

Share

By Wheresthebeefz - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29854

You deserved it

7875

Tweet

Share

By shake666 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18038

You deserved it

13037

Tweet

Share

By Nickname - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22716

You deserved it

13818

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36338

You deserved it

6078

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40714

You deserved it

2722

Tweet

Share

By jen - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7709

You deserved it

27755

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Because of my dog

Today, I opened the door to a delivery girl with a towel around my waist as I was just out of the shower. My dog was going crazy at the courier, and when she handed me the touchpad to sign for the package, my dog decided it would be a good idea to pull my towel off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2063

You deserved it

1013

Tweet

Share

By Ismellbacon - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10386

You deserved it

28994

Tweet

Share

By Bambi - United States

Today, I crashed my car. I saw a deer getting ready to run into the middle of the road, and I was very sleepy, so I panicked and slammed on the brakes, causing me to lose control of the car on the wet road. After I hit a tree, I realized that the deer was a plastic lawn ornament. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20162

You deserved it

46070

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 20:07

A saint

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1480

You deserved it

184

Tweet

Share

By stampslife - Canada - Agassiz

Today, I finished watching an entire movie after boarding the plane, before the plane even took off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38680

You deserved it

3127

Tweet

Share

By Sapphirlinda - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39710

You deserved it

3256

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I noticed the only time my husband stops snoring like a drunken horse is so that he can fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23272

You deserved it

2448

Tweet

Share

By desigymrat - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9482

You deserved it

42454

Tweet

Share

By lily - 25/6/2020 05:04

Overbearing much?!

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1210

You deserved it

342

Tweet

Share

By workinggirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30284

You deserved it

3538

Tweet

Share

By J - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14577

You deserved it

35377

Tweet

Share

By mom - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6757

You deserved it

85405

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1252

You deserved it

934

Tweet

Share

By Jackmeister

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1290

You deserved it

7021

Tweet

Share

By methane overload - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40116

You deserved it

3805

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11303

You deserved it

41192

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By PlasticShark | 0

#165988 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

today's going to be sunny with light semen showers

By Serial | 2

#165996 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

at least you weren't driving a convertible

COMMENTS

By samuke | 2

#165970 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

awww nasty

Reply

urface132 | 0

#982802 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 2:16

was he jerking it while he was driving

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#987164 - Sunday 2 May 2010 6:41

6 win

Reply

00yoda4 | 0

#1035598 - Saturday 19 June 2010 4:53

dude it will move on it's own if you give it time

Reply

tweetbaby14 | 17

#1040551 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 19:46

did you put your head out the window so it could fly in your face? if not whatever

Reply

whoisthisgirl | 4

#1871738 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 1:17

clothes would be nice to wear

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5819524 - Tuesday 7 January 2014 6:55

Oh that's nasty (Cleveland voice)

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#5976832 - Monday 16 June 2014 0:21

@246: Why would you wear a condom while masturbating?

By wantmenot | 0

#165975 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

holy crap, thats so wrong

By pelica | 0

#165977 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:08

eww!

By FMLfan457 | 0

#165979 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:09

Last night, "No one liked my idea of calling the "(pandemic) a (hamdemic) . . . well, I'm drunks and I hope you all die in the Aporkalypse" MDTxt

http://mydrunktxt.com/view/received/73

By klutzywriter | 0

#165982 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:09

#4 what the heck
and wow why would a guy randomly throw a used condom out the window?
freak...

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1524624 - Sunday 10 October 2010 1:47

maybe it wasn't a guy...

Reply

applebramble | 22

#5829607 - Friday 17 January 2014 5:10

I'm thinking it was car sex and they wanted to prank someone with the used condom . Case solved!

By PlasticShark | 0

#165988 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

today's going to be sunny with light semen showers

By Hydra_fml | 0

#165990 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

Ooo, vile. That sucks.

By _FYL_ | 0

#165991 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

Wow, that suxx!! o.O

Reply

ilikepie789 | 0

#871188 - Friday 19 February 2010 5:10

hey sexy

By rahrahrach | 0

#165993 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

people are nasty.

Reply

Gfrigo | 1

#1037669 - Monday 21 June 2010 1:42

fuck that guy I would have followed him and beat the shit out of him.

By Brittanyy | 0

#165995 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

LMAO. Gross.
Well, the condom could have like, stuck to your car,
so when you pulled up at a red light......