Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new... - FML

By Nissan_David - 18/1/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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Boozehound alert

This is fine

Grow up

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2014 18:37 - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By ash - 25/8/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By help me - 1/6/2014 15:51 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By md - 25/11/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

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By really - 26/3/2017 00:00

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

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By maddy - 28/2/2010 17:10 - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By SummerJob - 6/9/2012 16:51

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By trainhump - 20/2/2010 10:54 - Australia

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

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By DEDMan - 28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

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By the girl next door - 7/5/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By katwingz - 19/2/2013 22:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

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By Former Drummer - 3/6/2012 21:23 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was diagnosed with migraines. Any loud sounds or bright lights make it worse. I'm the drummer for a heavy metal band, so I now have to choose between really bad migraines or a career. FML

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By Anais Strongrump III Jr. - 9/5/2014 20:41 - United States - Garland

Today, my parents decided to get with the times. So far, they've made me get Snapchat and Instagram accounts, and made me add them on Facebook. They keep acting like annoying teenagers, and get mad at me when I don't play along. For the love of god, somebody save me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my best moves, to impress him. I ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump. His lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 21:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By need new job - 24/4/2016 18:12 - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By NewBride - 14/8/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - 12/7/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By Nanda - 14/6/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

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By Unemployed - 17/9/2015 07:14

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By Ghost - 14/12/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 00:01

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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By Vkaz - 2/10/2014 18:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, in the men's room a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - 25/8/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2019 14:00

Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML

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By TooTallNiCo - 28/11/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By freaked out - 30/8/2012 08:04 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML

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By NoBabies - 9/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

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By f__k_it - 18/1/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 02:35 - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2013 23:16 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

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By payne - 4/1/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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Top comments

By nancyngo | 0

#781949 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:11

I'm so sorry, that's extremely painful.

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#781957 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:14

Fuuck ... My hand hurts from reading this. D:

COMMENTS

By nancyngo | 0

#781949 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:11

I'm so sorry, that's extremely painful.

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#978297 - Monday 12 April 2010 2:49

Finaly a real FML. get well soon!!

Reply

nriney | 0

#989038 - Friday 7 May 2010 14:57

that sucks man. and I agree real fml ftw
hope ur hand gets better

Reply

nygunns1 | 0

#1957995 - Wednesday 12 January 2011 12:28

lmao something like that happened to my dad and he's been doing construction for at least 25 years. I was with him when he did it and I will never forget it, he put a nail threw his thumb and threw the bone and all he said was "son of a b*tch" and looked disappointed then he told me to grab pillars and I watched him pull it out and go back to work after a quick beer haha. for some reason I found it funny

Reply

chrisbyg | 6

#4503788 - Thursday 31 May 2012 18:29

Where was OP holding the nail gun!?!?!

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6015678 - Tuesday 22 July 2014 23:13

OP wasn't holding the nailgun, it was someone else.

By JP101 | 0

#781953 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:12

Sounds like Tim Allen....

Reply

lickmyjock | 0

#781955 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:13

Sounds more like what happened to a certain religious man Hesus.

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#783963 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 10:10

Its jesus the builder everyone. Go crazy.

Reply

looloothing | 9

#4918210 - Tuesday 11 September 2012 5:27

You're Jesus!

Reply

robertandrew | 5

#4963436 - Sunday 23 September 2012 15:51

Now you know what Jesus went through.

Reply

DongPiece47 | 13

#5987397 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 5:17

Tim Allen as Tim Taylor I might add.

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#781957 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:14

Fuuck ... My hand hurts from reading this. D:

Reply

miaaakayyy17 | 0

#965613 - Sunday 21 March 2010 6:35

mine too!

Reply

TheTerenity | 9

#3655535 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 1:33

TWSS

By chaos753159 | 4

#781968 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:17

you should have seen that coming XD FYL

By Apple_Scented | 0

#781969 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

Ouch :/ I hope your hand gets better soon.

By fishyfingaz | 0

#781970 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

That's a real FML :)

By Euphorically | 14

#781971 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

I'm been feeling my hands for holes just reading this. Ow, ow ow.

By Lethall | 0

#781991 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:35

Jesus....
enough said i guess

Reply

fenner_fml | 0

#782520 - Monday 18 January 2010 18:33

Jesus
...u took the word right out of my mouth

By 24788 | 6

#782002 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:48

It won't be so bad next time it happens. I wouldn't work in construction though.

By saladgirl123 | 0

#782005 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

WeanedOnMethane | 0

#1786974 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:49

FUCK MY LIFE. how is that suposed to be funny?

Reply

PANDALEGIT | 8

#5726800 - Wednesday 23 October 2013 14:45

Stupid that is what he posted. It's a real FML and you think it's supposed to be funny . All he said was the nail went through no other details so chill out .