Miscellaneous: Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new... - FML

By Nissan_David - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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Taking stock

F*** my overweight life

Booty pic

By Awkward - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was caller number nine on the radio, meaning I technically won the contest. I was too awkward, so they hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Paderborn

Today, I asked my boyfriend to go to the airport with me, to see me off for my three-month stay abroad. He said no because the two-hour drive is "too boring". FML

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By crazydog - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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By CheeseyPotatoes - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/1/2021 20:01

FOOTBALL player reveals TRUTH!

Today, I told my wife Philip Rivers retired. Being born and bred in Baltimore, she hates anything Colts now. "Philip is a stupid name", she says. I pointed out my middle name is Philip. She laughed, then said, "Are you serious?" We've been married 33 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

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By TheBuster

Today, I surprised my wife with a spa day during our mini vacation with the kids. I booked her a facial and mani/pedi at the resort, figuring I would take the kids while she relaxed. Her reaction? "I hate the spa. Why would you waste that money? I'm not going." FML

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By Ashley - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

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By Poorphone - United States - Denver

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

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By KenzFell - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was on stage dancing for a competition dress rehearsal, my top fell off, exposing my breasts. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately no one said anything about it. That is until a kid in the audience came up to me and said, "That was a disappointment." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

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By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By what - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

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By S. Bauer - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

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By boss_daughter - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By GoldenShower - United States

Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By seanjohn268 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend let it slip that he thinks of my best friend when he masturbates because he like to have the "freedom and variety." FML

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By Mighty Mouse

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By jina - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Felsberg

Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML

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By freakedout - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

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By floggingnasty - United States

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

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By shittyemployee

Today, I rushed to work after a night of drinking and partying, and put my hair up on my way in. People started worriedly asking what happened to my head, so I looked in the mirror. I had scratches and a welt on my forehead from hitting the wall during sex last night. FML

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By Jarool - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By Lukev7 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

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By mrosewrosem

Today, I had a lovely gluten-free pizza out at a local restaurant. After I'd finished, they informed me it wasn't in fact gluten-free. I am Celiac and this means I will be ill for the next six weeks. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

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By ThePopeMan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game." She was sighing, not moaning. FML

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By hh - United States - Clear Lake

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

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By authorx - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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Top comments

By nancyngo | 0

#781949 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:11

I'm so sorry, that's extremely painful.

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#781957 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:14

Fuuck ... My hand hurts from reading this. D:

COMMENTS

By nancyngo | 0

#781949 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:11

I'm so sorry, that's extremely painful.

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#978297 - Monday 12 April 2010 2:49

Finaly a real FML. get well soon!!

Reply

nriney | 0

#989038 - Friday 7 May 2010 14:57

that sucks man. and I agree real fml ftw
hope ur hand gets better

Reply

nygunns1 | 0

#1957995 - Wednesday 12 January 2011 12:28

lmao something like that happened to my dad and he's been doing construction for at least 25 years. I was with him when he did it and I will never forget it, he put a nail threw his thumb and threw the bone and all he said was "son of a b*tch" and looked disappointed then he told me to grab pillars and I watched him pull it out and go back to work after a quick beer haha. for some reason I found it funny

Reply

chrisbyg | 6

#4503788 - Thursday 31 May 2012 18:29

Where was OP holding the nail gun!?!?!

Reply

dabears1011234 | 27

#6015678 - Tuesday 22 July 2014 23:13

OP wasn't holding the nailgun, it was someone else.

By JP101 | 0

#781953 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:12

Sounds like Tim Allen....

Reply

lickmyjock | 0

#781955 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:13

Sounds more like what happened to a certain religious man Hesus.

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#783963 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 10:10

Its jesus the builder everyone. Go crazy.

Reply

looloothing | 9

#4918210 - Tuesday 11 September 2012 5:27

You're Jesus!

Reply

robertandrew | 5

#4963436 - Sunday 23 September 2012 15:51

Now you know what Jesus went through.

Reply

DongPiece47 | 13

#5987397 - Wednesday 25 June 2014 5:17

Tim Allen as Tim Taylor I might add.

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#781957 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:14

Fuuck ... My hand hurts from reading this. D:

Reply

miaaakayyy17 | 0

#965613 - Sunday 21 March 2010 6:35

mine too!

Reply

TheTerenity | 9

#3655535 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 1:33

TWSS

By chaos753159 | 4

#781968 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:17

you should have seen that coming XD FYL

By Apple_Scented | 0

#781969 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

Ouch :/ I hope your hand gets better soon.

By fishyfingaz | 0

#781970 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

That's a real FML :)

By Euphorically | 14

#781971 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:18

I'm been feeling my hands for holes just reading this. Ow, ow ow.

By Lethall | 0

#781991 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:35

Jesus....
enough said i guess

Reply

fenner_fml | 0

#782520 - Monday 18 January 2010 18:33

Jesus
...u took the word right out of my mouth

By 24788 | 6

#782002 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:48

It won't be so bad next time it happens. I wouldn't work in construction though.

By saladgirl123 | 0

#782005 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

WeanedOnMethane | 0

#1786974 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:49

FUCK MY LIFE. how is that suposed to be funny?

Reply

PANDALEGIT | 8

#5726800 - Wednesday 23 October 2013 14:45

Stupid that is what he posted. It's a real FML and you think it's supposed to be funny . All he said was the nail went through no other details so chill out .