Animals: Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted... - FML

By jackelking - United States

Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted to go to their old treehouse. When we got down there, it turned out my friend Cat had forgotten her shoes. Being a gentleman, I lent her my sandals. I then climbed the treehouse, fell out, and got a nail through my foot. FML

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Sorry…

Last dates

Healthy relationship

By annoyedgirl - United States - Ephrata

Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By mutantprincess - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

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By bras r expensive ppl

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By NoTattoo

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By sheyo - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By Datingdisaster

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

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By TCRII

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By nerp - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

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By scared shitless - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By Anonymous

Big Brother

Today, I was accused of "spying too much" on what my coworkers are writing about Covid-19 on the news site I work for. I'm one of the supervisors. FML

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By anon - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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By Alin

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

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By yashmoshin1 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By kneesarethenewdesk - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Alfie4 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By DarkSerebii - United States

Today, a customer at work said his table was dirty. I asked which one he was sitting at so I could clean it for him. For some bizarre reason he got pissed and called my manager over. He ended up reporting us to corporate, and my manager got written up. He's blaming me for everything. FML

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By thairsha - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

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By Jeathrow - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

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By BrewPack - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

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By eMmA01 - United States

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By fuuuuck - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

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By whatabitch - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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Top comments

By MrJentipede | 2

#229098 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

The sandal wouldn't have stopped the nail, anyway.

By Colleennn1579 | 0

#229094 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

At least you were a gentleman(:

COMMENTS

By Im_Insane | 0

#229092 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

OW! that sucks sorry dude

Reply

killerviral | 0

#836187 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:36

she'd better give u head lol that suck though

Reply

b182link | 0

#969372 - Saturday 27 March 2010 18:19

flip flops wouldn't help anyways, the nail would go through them

Reply

LightningCactus | 12

#3907177 - Thursday 19 January 2012 4:36

At least he was being a gentleman.

Reply

Llamanator9913 | 16

#5787508 - Wednesday 11 December 2013 0:18

I wonder if he had to get shots...

By Colleennn1579 | 0

#229094 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

At least you were a gentleman(:

Reply

popoman | 0

#601889 - Sunday 4 October 2009 0:05

I hope you got laid. Cat's your sister, right?

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1020042 - Saturday 5 June 2010 8:51

^ AHAHAHA OMG I needed tha laugh X'D

By MrJentipede | 2

#229098 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

The sandal wouldn't have stopped the nail, anyway.

Reply

apfunction | 0

#804200 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:13

exactly.

Reply

im_emile | 4

#4671006 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 6:11

Just what I was thinking.

Reply

sheogarth | 3

#5284583 - Thursday 27 December 2012 11:38

Ditto...

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5687953 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 19:20

Well he was a gentleman, AND saved a perfectly good pair of sandals!

By Natradtasticx17 | 0

#229103 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

oh wow that sucks!
a nail through your foot must effin hurt!

Reply

drummerbeast16 | 0

#972880 - Friday 2 April 2010 4:13

sherlock

By OppositesAttract_fml | 0

#229105 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

Awwh, at least you had good intentions.
Sounds like something that would happen to me, I always try and do my best and it always backfires on me.
Hope your foot gets better soon. (:

By potatopeeler | 0

#229107 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

Yeah, the sandal wouldn't have helped. Maybe glass, but not a nail.

By sdixon | 0

#229111 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:08

Well good cannot come with out bad, but that just sucks, feel better :)

By ouch_that_hurt | 0

#229117 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:10

How do you forget shoes and not realize it until you get there?

By murderofcrows | 0

#229122 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:11

I hope you get laid for it.

By Trebek | 0

#229124 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:11

When the nail hit your foot, did you say, "Help me-OW!"

/stupid

Reply

charleycake | 0

#1102369 - Saturday 17 July 2010 21:46

oo das punny