Animals: Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted... - FML

By jackelking - United States

Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted to go to their old treehouse. When we got down there, it turned out my friend Cat had forgotten her shoes. Being a gentleman, I lent her my sandals. I then climbed the treehouse, fell out, and got a nail through my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61913

You deserved it

6893

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Season finale

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Tim - United States

Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79748

You deserved it

5990

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks

1418

You deserved it

294

Tweet

Share

By unendowed - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30264

You deserved it

11629

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26527

You deserved it

2034

Tweet

Share

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1075

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

By mchhhoi - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and were I getting it on in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43525

You deserved it

13279

Tweet

Share

By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34393

You deserved it

4117

Tweet

Share

By Badhairday - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30665

You deserved it

4095

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59474

You deserved it

7579

Tweet

Share

By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24380

You deserved it

2437

Tweet

Share

By burnnnnn - Ecuador

Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25372

You deserved it

2797

Tweet

Share

By WeakerThanaLittleGirl - United States

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35433

You deserved it

7457

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21539

You deserved it

2468

Tweet

Share

By cougar26 - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24932

You deserved it

1481

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40277

You deserved it

2711

Tweet

Share

By ohforcheese - United States

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29523

You deserved it

8499

Tweet

Share

By DBR - United States

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28529

You deserved it

5046

Tweet

Share

By iStoleTheBrownie

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1531

You deserved it

3844

Tweet

Share

By what did i marry - United States - Memphis

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3764

You deserved it

557

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10839

You deserved it

55371

Tweet

Share

By phoenix101

Dad jokes

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23941

You deserved it

66901

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56647

You deserved it

22985

Tweet

Share

By This_Is_Me1982 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34494

You deserved it

5152

Tweet

Share

By catfriend - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45911

You deserved it

4819

Tweet

Share

By oh.geez - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27064

You deserved it

4855

Tweet

Share

By Adrian James

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

221

Tweet

Share

By virginmary - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24277

You deserved it

3821

Tweet

Share

By not impressed - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32152

You deserved it

4562

Tweet

Share

By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27937

You deserved it

4183

Tweet

Share

By lanbon182 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

I agree, your life sucks

250369

You deserved it

31157

Tweet

Share

By fml - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20543

You deserved it

4678

Tweet

Share

By foojew93 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48181

You deserved it

3796

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44412

You deserved it

4535

Tweet

Share

By hoboman - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48413

You deserved it

6707

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6646

You deserved it

32013

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3423

You deserved it

225

Tweet

Share

By Snuffles

Today, while eating a BLT sandwich, I unexpectedly sneezed a lump of bacon up the back of my nose. It has just taken 6 hours of unpleasantness to snort the lump back out. Not how I wanted to spend my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1847

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By corleon198425 - United States

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27030

You deserved it

2365

Tweet

Share

By sarah6786 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47532

You deserved it

4832

Tweet

Share

By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35093

You deserved it

5442

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By MrJentipede | 2

#229098 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

The sandal wouldn't have stopped the nail, anyway.

By Colleennn1579 | 0

#229094 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

At least you were a gentleman(:

COMMENTS

By Im_Insane | 0

#229092 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

OW! that sucks sorry dude

Reply

killerviral | 0

#836187 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:36

she'd better give u head lol that suck though

Reply

b182link | 0

#969372 - Saturday 27 March 2010 18:19

flip flops wouldn't help anyways, the nail would go through them

Reply

LightningCactus | 12

#3907177 - Thursday 19 January 2012 4:36

At least he was being a gentleman.

Reply

Llamanator9913 | 16

#5787508 - Wednesday 11 December 2013 0:18

I wonder if he had to get shots...

By Colleennn1579 | 0

#229094 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

At least you were a gentleman(:

Reply

popoman | 0

#601889 - Sunday 4 October 2009 0:05

I hope you got laid. Cat's your sister, right?

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1020042 - Saturday 5 June 2010 8:51

^ AHAHAHA OMG I needed tha laugh X'D

By MrJentipede | 2

#229098 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:05

The sandal wouldn't have stopped the nail, anyway.

Reply

apfunction | 0

#804200 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:13

exactly.

Reply

im_emile | 4

#4671006 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 6:11

Just what I was thinking.

Reply

sheogarth | 3

#5284583 - Thursday 27 December 2012 11:38

Ditto...

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5687953 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 19:20

Well he was a gentleman, AND saved a perfectly good pair of sandals!

By Natradtasticx17 | 0

#229103 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

oh wow that sucks!
a nail through your foot must effin hurt!

Reply

drummerbeast16 | 0

#972880 - Friday 2 April 2010 4:13

sherlock

By OppositesAttract_fml | 0

#229105 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

Awwh, at least you had good intentions.
Sounds like something that would happen to me, I always try and do my best and it always backfires on me.
Hope your foot gets better soon. (:

By potatopeeler | 0

#229107 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:07

Yeah, the sandal wouldn't have helped. Maybe glass, but not a nail.

By sdixon | 0

#229111 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:08

Well good cannot come with out bad, but that just sucks, feel better :)

By ouch_that_hurt | 0

#229117 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:10

How do you forget shoes and not realize it until you get there?

By murderofcrows | 0

#229122 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:11

I hope you get laid for it.

By Trebek | 0

#229124 - Monday 25 May 2009 16:11

When the nail hit your foot, did you say, "Help me-OW!"

/stupid

Reply

charleycake | 0

#1102369 - Saturday 17 July 2010 21:46

oo das punny