Miscellaneous: Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch... - FML

By englishclasshigh - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

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Misheard

Race against the clock

On yer bike

By sorry, kiddo - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

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By cat_lady

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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By motherfuck666 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 11:02 - United States

Ironic

Today, on my way out to get salt for the driveway, I fell and split my head. I'm now sitting in the ER waiting room. FML

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By adopted apparently

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

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By nicole - United States

Today, I saw a hot guy at the laundromat. Wanting an excuse to talk to him, I tossed a pair of my red underwear into his washer. What I didn't realize was that he was washing his whites. Thanks to me, he now has an entire load of pink shirts and boxers. FML

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By Bushfan101 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By hfksorws - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By jamjamy - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By auslander - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 08:00

Jealousy

Today, my girlfriend broke my Xbox while I was playing Warzone. She said she heard me playing with another girl, and accused me of cheating. It was just the A.I. saying, "Copy, I’m on it." Anyone selling an Xbox One? FML

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By transfer - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

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By dundundadumb - United States

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

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By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By Hair Fail - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By Stevski - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend tried to use his “grief” at the death of a coworker to get butt sex, even though I know for a fact he didn’t like the guy that much, and just last week wished for the guy to get hit by a bus. Pretty despicable way to try get back door access if you ask me. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

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By Babysitter Probs - United States - Fresno

Today, the 8 year old that I babysit every week told me that it was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend while he has a girlfriend. I got burned by a 3rd grader. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

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By Lindsay - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By VCR - United States

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

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Top comments

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

COMMENTS

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

Reply

bobby222 | 0

#554507 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:28

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

shut up.

fuck you.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#554619 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:03

That must've been one AWESOME presentation

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#554737 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:39

I wish i had friends who randomly gave out bud brownies

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#554896 - Friday 11 September 2009 3:42

I agree with #69.
"Boohooo, my life is awful... Thanks for the brownie! Nom nom nom."

Reply

Auggieracecar | 0

#555010 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:37

This Isn't a FML you get to have free weed YAY!

Reply

boypdp | 0

#555041 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:56

Agreed

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#556027 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:55

Toxi, i love you for the fact that you worked in a 'nom nom nom' there. thank you, it made me laugh...a lot. now I'm pretty sure the whole office thinks I'm insane.

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#558996 - Sunday 13 September 2009 0:05

Weird. I was thinking about making brownies. And the nom nom nom is just awesome.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#564408 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 11:41

Haha, thanks. Glad you liked it.
Embrace you insanity...

Reply

RedJester23 | 6

#582848 - Thursday 24 September 2009 1:28

YDI for not eating frosted flakes. VANILLA IS BETTER BICHES!!!

Reply

goodstuffboro | 0

#867779 - Thursday 18 February 2010 4:49

intoxicunt.....ur rele pretty....special brownies are mad tasty so y r u complaining???

Reply

crackz12 | 10

#3943710 - Thursday 26 January 2012 3:33

I would love some free brownies any day but strong enough brownies can really fuck you up alot more than just smoking, a presentation would have sucked.

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By Shirschfield | 0

#554435 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

3rd and FYL

By cheapskatepunk | 0

#554436 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Thats a true friend!

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#554662 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:17

*side note: little does this person know, but the english teacher was the provider of said weed in brownie.

Reply

Dahlia_F | 0

#557172 - Saturday 12 September 2009 2:26

66- you fail.

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#915943 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:44

66- you fail.

Reply

Dante1337 | 0

#1278702 - Saturday 21 August 2010 5:35

66- you fail

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#1411825 - Thursday 16 September 2010 5:33

66- we all fail :)

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6060782 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 18:45

192- nah, only you do

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#554438 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

aww I'm so sorry :

By Ret_fml | 0

#554439 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Haha. So much for being "helpful".

By Matty_No9 | 0

#554440 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

hellzes to the yeazes

By fifthmorn | 0

#554441 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

That'd be the first thing I thought if one of my friend's handed me a brownie.

Reply

vendretta | 19

#555455 - Friday 11 September 2009 10:15

Which is why I don't eat brownies unless I make them -_-

By Luckster | 0

#554442 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

Oh shit....And if anyone finds out, who's going to believe that your friend gave it to you?

By thealliance | 0

#554444 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

5th woot!!!!!!!!!!! I WIN now go make me a sandwich