Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch... - FML

By englishclasshigh - 10/9/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

In my day…

By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

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By ohnomommy - 3/3/2020 06:01

Kids are assholes

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

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By hitandrun - 10/8/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

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By BatWife - 29/3/2017 19:00 - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By Anon O'Mous - 2/1/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By Namaslayed - 16/10/2015 18:04 - India - Mumbai

Today, I tried to make a move on the cute guy who sits opposite me at work. In theory, I was going to start a game of footsie with him. In practice, I screwed up and managed to yank his computer's power cable out. He lost his unsaved work. FML

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By minimum wage - 2/4/2012 08:38 - Canada

Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML

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By Snowin2007 - 9/1/2010 08:16 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for my food at McDonald's. I watched the most obese, sweaty man sneeze into the chips, wipe his nose on his hand and use his hand to shovel chips into a bag. They were my chips. FML

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By anonymous - 19/11/2016 18:35 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

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By sfabsits - 17/7/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

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By sara - 17/9/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

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By nancypants1124 - 13/6/2015 02:06 - United States

Today, I was joking around with my manager about faking an injury to collect Worker's Compensation. Then I actually slipped and sprained my foot, and now my manager thinks I'm lying. FML

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By struckbystarzz - 27/3/2015 13:12 - United States - Taunton

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

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By Former Professor - 21/7/2019 22:00

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By hairy - 8/3/2012 14:30 - Serbia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently my nose hair scares him. FML

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By LoveSucks - 18/5/2019 21:54

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend'. FML

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By natty - 16/3/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, it was easter and I thought it might be fun to look for eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note saying 'maybe when you lose weight'. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox. One was to my ex saying "I love you." FML

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By Username - 21/1/2011 03:55

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

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By blind_date - 13/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the 3rd person. Seriously. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2019 02:10

Today, my husband came home with tears in his eyes. I ran and asked him why he was crying. He said he wasn't, but he finally admitting to talking to a woman in a bar who, when she noticed his wedding ring, sprayed him with mace. FML

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By - 28/4/2019 05:00 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

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By Decker - 14/2/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with a hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we get out of my car, she starts sprinting to get out of the rain. I run to catch up and slip on a metal plate, and do a reverse superman onto my ass. FML

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By NotSoYoung - 17/6/2009 16:35 - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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By j.b. - 2/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 17:10 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

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By thanks - 2/5/2014 18:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML

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By Tagged - 13/9/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By hatboxghost - 9/7/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

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By deven - 29/8/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

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By - 1/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

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By sparkle - 31/1/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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By NotBuyingATractor - 2/9/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

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By cat co-parent - 3/1/2015 00:11 - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

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By Kutakito - 15/4/2013 20:18 - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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Top comments

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

COMMENTS

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

Reply

bobby222 | 0

#554507 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:28

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

shut up.

fuck you.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#554619 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:03

That must've been one AWESOME presentation

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#554737 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:39

I wish i had friends who randomly gave out bud brownies

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#554896 - Friday 11 September 2009 3:42

I agree with #69.
"Boohooo, my life is awful... Thanks for the brownie! Nom nom nom."

Reply

Auggieracecar | 0

#555010 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:37

This Isn't a FML you get to have free weed YAY!

Reply

boypdp | 0

#555041 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:56

Agreed

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#556027 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:55

Toxi, i love you for the fact that you worked in a 'nom nom nom' there. thank you, it made me laugh...a lot. now I'm pretty sure the whole office thinks I'm insane.

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#558996 - Sunday 13 September 2009 0:05

Weird. I was thinking about making brownies. And the nom nom nom is just awesome.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#564408 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 11:41

Haha, thanks. Glad you liked it.
Embrace you insanity...

Reply

RedJester23 | 6

#582848 - Thursday 24 September 2009 1:28

YDI for not eating frosted flakes. VANILLA IS BETTER BICHES!!!

Reply

goodstuffboro | 0

#867779 - Thursday 18 February 2010 4:49

intoxicunt.....ur rele pretty....special brownies are mad tasty so y r u complaining???

Reply

crackz12 | 10

#3943710 - Thursday 26 January 2012 3:33

I would love some free brownies any day but strong enough brownies can really fuck you up alot more than just smoking, a presentation would have sucked.

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By Shirschfield | 0

#554435 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

3rd and FYL

By cheapskatepunk | 0

#554436 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Thats a true friend!

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#554662 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:17

*side note: little does this person know, but the english teacher was the provider of said weed in brownie.

Reply

Dahlia_F | 0

#557172 - Saturday 12 September 2009 2:26

66- you fail.

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#915943 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:44

66- you fail.

Reply

Dante1337 | 0

#1278702 - Saturday 21 August 2010 5:35

66- you fail

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#1411825 - Thursday 16 September 2010 5:33

66- we all fail :)

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6060782 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 18:45

192- nah, only you do

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#554438 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

aww I'm so sorry :

By Ret_fml | 0

#554439 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Haha. So much for being "helpful".

By Matty_No9 | 0

#554440 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

hellzes to the yeazes

By fifthmorn | 0

#554441 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

That'd be the first thing I thought if one of my friend's handed me a brownie.

Reply

vendretta | 19

#555455 - Friday 11 September 2009 10:15

Which is why I don't eat brownies unless I make them -_-

By Luckster | 0

#554442 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

Oh shit....And if anyone finds out, who's going to believe that your friend gave it to you?

By thealliance | 0

#554444 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

5th woot!!!!!!!!!!! I WIN now go make me a sandwich