Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch... - FML

By englishclasshigh - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

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The sweet smell of success

CPTSD

Keep your distance

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

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By isucksomuch - Canada

Today, I found out my mother cleans the dishes with bathroom cleaning chemicals. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. FML

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By LALALA3 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

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By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter

Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and knocked out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

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By f_n_fail - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

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By Lissa - United States - Baldwin

Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were asleep. Evidently, he was dreaming about being a UFC fighter, because, out of no where, he grabs the back of my head and punches me in the nose. I haven't been able to breathe right out of my nose all day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

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By smurfisurfer1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML

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By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

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By .... - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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By Kimmiko - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Aliiveopen - 24/8/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Demon drink

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By NoJob - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

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By 20 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

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By ilovefootball - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By lostbandana - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By N - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

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By Numbnuts - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By momma6126 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

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By JayFri - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By over prtective father - United States - Washington

Today, it became apparent that my father knows more about my boyfriend than I do because he spends so much time interrogating him. FML

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By mandy_2480 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By bbbblt - Australia

Cheats, cheats everwhere

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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By Single and wigless

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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By Loner - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By funkyhed84 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

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By Hopeless romantic - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

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By rj93 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By ziatenaj - United States

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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By AngrySon - United States

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

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Top comments

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

COMMENTS

By caancoha | 0

#554427 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:09

At least you calmed down, right?

Reply

bobby222 | 0

#554507 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:28

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

shut up.

fuck you.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#554619 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:03

That must've been one AWESOME presentation

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#554737 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:39

I wish i had friends who randomly gave out bud brownies

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#554896 - Friday 11 September 2009 3:42

I agree with #69.
"Boohooo, my life is awful... Thanks for the brownie! Nom nom nom."

Reply

Auggieracecar | 0

#555010 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:37

This Isn't a FML you get to have free weed YAY!

Reply

boypdp | 0

#555041 - Friday 11 September 2009 4:56

Agreed

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#556027 - Friday 11 September 2009 17:55

Toxi, i love you for the fact that you worked in a 'nom nom nom' there. thank you, it made me laugh...a lot. now I'm pretty sure the whole office thinks I'm insane.

Reply

gonzolove | 0

#558996 - Sunday 13 September 2009 0:05

Weird. I was thinking about making brownies. And the nom nom nom is just awesome.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#564408 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 11:41

Haha, thanks. Glad you liked it.
Embrace you insanity...

Reply

RedJester23 | 6

#582848 - Thursday 24 September 2009 1:28

YDI for not eating frosted flakes. VANILLA IS BETTER BICHES!!!

Reply

goodstuffboro | 0

#867779 - Thursday 18 February 2010 4:49

intoxicunt.....ur rele pretty....special brownies are mad tasty so y r u complaining???

Reply

crackz12 | 10

#3943710 - Thursday 26 January 2012 3:33

I would love some free brownies any day but strong enough brownies can really fuck you up alot more than just smoking, a presentation would have sucked.

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#554434 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:11

I hope you thanked said friend for sharing their stash...

By Shirschfield | 0

#554435 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

3rd and FYL

By cheapskatepunk | 0

#554436 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Thats a true friend!

Reply

jackkerouc9 | 0

#554662 - Friday 11 September 2009 2:17

*side note: little does this person know, but the english teacher was the provider of said weed in brownie.

Reply

Dahlia_F | 0

#557172 - Saturday 12 September 2009 2:26

66- you fail.

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#915943 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:44

66- you fail.

Reply

Dante1337 | 0

#1278702 - Saturday 21 August 2010 5:35

66- you fail

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#1411825 - Thursday 16 September 2010 5:33

66- we all fail :)

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6060782 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 18:45

192- nah, only you do

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#554438 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

aww I'm so sorry :

By Ret_fml | 0

#554439 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

Haha. So much for being "helpful".

By Matty_No9 | 0

#554440 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

hellzes to the yeazes

By fifthmorn | 0

#554441 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:12

That'd be the first thing I thought if one of my friend's handed me a brownie.

Reply

vendretta | 19

#555455 - Friday 11 September 2009 10:15

Which is why I don't eat brownies unless I make them -_-

By Luckster | 0

#554442 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

Oh shit....And if anyone finds out, who's going to believe that your friend gave it to you?

By thealliance | 0

#554444 - Friday 11 September 2009 1:13

5th woot!!!!!!!!!!! I WIN now go make me a sandwich