Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck... - FML

By fingerhut - 3/3/2012 08:27 - United States

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

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fingerhut tells us more :

running is the best solution to constipation

All for nothing

Billy no-mates

The end of the road

By Anonymous - 23/7/2010 00:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By dork - 16/7/2009 20:32 - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2019 00:01

Today, after my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to worry about the ex who kept commenting on his pictures, I saw him sexting her when I leaned forward to tell him something from the back of our friend's car. FML

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By changeddaily - 20/3/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 21:44 - Canada

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 12/10/2010 03:06 - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

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By Kyle - 10/5/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 16:45

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By Ihatecleaning - 14/1/2017 12:00

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

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By ConfusedFiancé - 29/10/2017 22:00

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

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By LonnyLonnikins - 9/4/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - 10/8/2012 22:44 - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2009 21:43 - Canada

Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML

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By Stalked - 29/4/2016 08:49 - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

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By bargainshopper - 16/10/2012 11:28 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:33 - United States

Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:31

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

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By fuckoffgramps - 24/1/2016 17:10 - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

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By hulio88 - 7/12/2010 00:37

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

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By Tingly - 16/8/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

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By Username - 13/9/2010 23:19 - France

Today, I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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By Al Staten - 6/12/2016 22:03

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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By jennabee97 - 8/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Jeri - 26/2/2010 12:55 - United States

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing xbox. FML

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By kaitlintaylor - 7/11/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML

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By Burp - 19/4/2012 12:37 - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

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By johnboy - 9/11/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

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By FavreFan99 - 1/1/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

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By gross. - 28/4/2013 03:25 - United States - Greenville

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2018 05:00

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 03:37 - United States

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

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By Labelme - 2/1/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

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By em - 3/6/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I was working and some woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 17:49 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I saw my former high school teacher at the mall. After a nice conversation, she mentioned that I "still dress like a slut." FML

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Top comments

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

COMMENTS

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#4117621 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:01

That's some expensive toilet paper.

Reply

soccerdude79 | 0

#4117836 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:31

Tabloids are in magazines not the newspaper

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4117853 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:35

Umm Sunday is tomorrow if I'm not mistaken.

Reply

bdathorne | 6

#4117872 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:43

FMLs aren't posted on the day they're submitted, nor are they necessarily submitted on the day they happen.

Reply

ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117885 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:48

31 - There are two types of Newspaper: Tabloid and Broadsheet. Tabloids are your typical trashy sunday paper with the page 3 girl and all your Celebrity crap. Trust me.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118057 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:15

My brother pooped his pants on his first date, whipped with a wet newspaper and the ink imprinted on him.(:

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4118609 - Saturday 3 March 2012 18:41

But why we're you jogging with a Sunday paper?

Reply

Sparks808 | 10

#4118727 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:20

Not sure why you're being thumbed down, I was wondering the same thing myself.

Reply

miz_kamakazi | 11

#4118803 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:48

33, Your pic reminds me of the FML who's fiancé refused to brush their teeth because they smoked menthols.

Reply

kooochris1995 | 14

#4119412 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:39

^ Good to know.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4119435 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:46

I think it's great to know. (:

Reply

Sixers01 | 0

#4122717 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:25

96 - considering everyone is here to read about other's misfortunes, it was good to know

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4123722 - Monday 5 March 2012 14:36

^ thank you.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

Reply

xFluttershy | 7

#4117635 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:06

As long as you didn't get any on the comic section:)

Reply

nickdunbar | 8

#4118003 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:41

Haha

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4119298 - Saturday 3 March 2012 22:46

Personally, I'm hoping that there was an article about wallstreet on the paper op used

Reply

thisisafunnyname | 12

#4120525 - Sunday 4 March 2012 15:59

Not as bad as I thought it was. While reading it, I thought op was hit by a piece of shit

By kisaka | 2

#4117504 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Classy

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117628 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:03

Dude, you can fight it once the urge is there.

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117876 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:45

*cant

Reply

niznor99 | 6

#4118300 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:02

No doubt. It sucks trying to fight it when you're driving.

Reply

blair_x | 12

#4119980 - Sunday 4 March 2012 7:37

It sucks even more when you're jogging, and pretty much all of you is like, moving around repeatedly.

You don't know the feeling of having to hold it in while running until you actually have to hold it in while running.

By silentbutfunny | 0

#4117511 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:24

And hey you got the comics while your at it

Reply

Quillian12 | 0

#4119765 - Sunday 4 March 2012 6:33

!!!! You have the same birth day as me!!! :0

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#4122816 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:53

No i don't... Yours is a couple of years off.

By reenkaur | 7

#4117527 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:28

good use of the sunday paper :D
.but hey, atleast you arent constipated .lol

Reply

fingerhut | 3

#4130377 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:37

running is the best solution to constipation

By choshaki | 8

#4117535 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:29

Hopefully no one saw you. It could've been worse OP. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...

By toenibbler | 14

#4117550 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:33

The tabloids are perfectly suited for the job then.

By _streets_ | 19

#4117559 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:37

Sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta go man.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#4117973 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:25

Quack...BANG!

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118096 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:24

Duck face.(:

Reply

sovetskiy | 8

#4118396 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:35

Let it happen, Cap'n

By CadillacPimpen | 6

#4117568 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:39

I'm curious if you ran or walked back home?

Reply

AhhBrenid | 8

#4117956 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:18

Hmm....i'm guessing op ran.

Reply

mojo5678 | 5

#4118340 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:17

...

By redbluegreen | 40

#4117580 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:46

I like how this FML was worded. It's like the OP slayed some sort of cumbersome cave dwelling dragon while armed only with a sword fashioned out of the Sunday funnies.

Reply

friedbunnies | 9

#4117766 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:03

He kind of did.