Health: Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck... - FML

By fingerhut - United States

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

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fingerhut tells us more :

running is the best solution to constipation

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Always call first

Keep your enemies closer

By LaurenB - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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By lowlife123 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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By lily - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. As I was getting off an old man whistled at me, I told him to go to hell and got off the bus. When the bus drove away the old man stood in the back of the bus, holding up the wallet I left that he was trying to give to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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By Azcrazy - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She's been there all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML

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By bruised - Australia - Sydney

Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Fair enough

Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML

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By DanteWest1000 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

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By notgay - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By Anonymous

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Booted

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Almostlovedchild

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

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By single once again - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he was cheating on me. He replied, "Nah, all the chicks in this town are fuck-ugly." and stared at me until I left the room. Good to know that's his only reason for staying faithful. FML

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By kindergarten teacher - United States - Hanford

Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

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By shitty shit - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By graduate - United States

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By soulaar - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By pizzagurl - United States

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

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By justgreat - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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By mettaton

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By desperategurl - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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By Anonymous

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By Quicky5_ - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

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By traumatised

Today, I went to make my morning coffee as usual. When I opened the container for the coffee grounds, I saw it bubbling. Perplexed, I looked closer. This is how I discovered that maggots can actually bubble what they ingest. FML

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By thegirlofthedad - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

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Top comments

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

COMMENTS

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#4117621 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:01

That's some expensive toilet paper.

Reply

soccerdude79 | 0

#4117836 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:31

Tabloids are in magazines not the newspaper

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4117853 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:35

Umm Sunday is tomorrow if I'm not mistaken.

Reply

bdathorne | 6

#4117872 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:43

FMLs aren't posted on the day they're submitted, nor are they necessarily submitted on the day they happen.

Reply

ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117885 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:48

31 - There are two types of Newspaper: Tabloid and Broadsheet. Tabloids are your typical trashy sunday paper with the page 3 girl and all your Celebrity crap. Trust me.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118057 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:15

My brother pooped his pants on his first date, whipped with a wet newspaper and the ink imprinted on him.(:

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4118609 - Saturday 3 March 2012 18:41

But why we're you jogging with a Sunday paper?

Reply

Sparks808 | 10

#4118727 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:20

Not sure why you're being thumbed down, I was wondering the same thing myself.

Reply

miz_kamakazi | 11

#4118803 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:48

33, Your pic reminds me of the FML who's fiancé refused to brush their teeth because they smoked menthols.

Reply

kooochris1995 | 14

#4119412 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:39

^ Good to know.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4119435 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:46

I think it's great to know. (:

Reply

Sixers01 | 0

#4122717 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:25

96 - considering everyone is here to read about other's misfortunes, it was good to know

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4123722 - Monday 5 March 2012 14:36

^ thank you.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

Reply

xFluttershy | 7

#4117635 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:06

As long as you didn't get any on the comic section:)

Reply

nickdunbar | 8

#4118003 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:41

Haha

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4119298 - Saturday 3 March 2012 22:46

Personally, I'm hoping that there was an article about wallstreet on the paper op used

Reply

thisisafunnyname | 12

#4120525 - Sunday 4 March 2012 15:59

Not as bad as I thought it was. While reading it, I thought op was hit by a piece of shit

By kisaka | 2

#4117504 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Classy

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117628 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:03

Dude, you can fight it once the urge is there.

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117876 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:45

*cant

Reply

niznor99 | 6

#4118300 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:02

No doubt. It sucks trying to fight it when you're driving.

Reply

blair_x | 12

#4119980 - Sunday 4 March 2012 7:37

It sucks even more when you're jogging, and pretty much all of you is like, moving around repeatedly.

You don't know the feeling of having to hold it in while running until you actually have to hold it in while running.

By silentbutfunny | 0

#4117511 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:24

And hey you got the comics while your at it

Reply

Quillian12 | 0

#4119765 - Sunday 4 March 2012 6:33

!!!! You have the same birth day as me!!! :0

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#4122816 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:53

No i don't... Yours is a couple of years off.

By reenkaur | 7

#4117527 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:28

good use of the sunday paper :D
.but hey, atleast you arent constipated .lol

Reply

fingerhut | 3

#4130377 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:37

running is the best solution to constipation

By choshaki | 8

#4117535 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:29

Hopefully no one saw you. It could've been worse OP. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...

By toenibbler | 14

#4117550 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:33

The tabloids are perfectly suited for the job then.

By _streets_ | 19

#4117559 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:37

Sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta go man.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#4117973 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:25

Quack...BANG!

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118096 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:24

Duck face.(:

Reply

sovetskiy | 8

#4118396 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:35

Let it happen, Cap'n

By CadillacPimpen | 6

#4117568 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:39

I'm curious if you ran or walked back home?

Reply

AhhBrenid | 8

#4117956 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:18

Hmm....i'm guessing op ran.

Reply

mojo5678 | 5

#4118340 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:17

...

By redbluegreen | 40

#4117580 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:46

I like how this FML was worded. It's like the OP slayed some sort of cumbersome cave dwelling dragon while armed only with a sword fashioned out of the Sunday funnies.

Reply

friedbunnies | 9

#4117766 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:03

He kind of did.