Health: Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck... - FML

By fingerhut - United States

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

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fingerhut tells us more :

running is the best solution to constipation

Rock, hard place

Walk on the wild side

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By bob - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By andromeda80 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

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By no one - United States

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

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By seb21 - United States

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

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By sucks_brah - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By Hum - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

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By Spike - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

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By 420SUX - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

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By Busted - United States

Today, my friend and I doodled on a sheet of paper trashing our English teacher. Later, I went to English class, and my teacher asked for us to take out a sheet of loose sheet of paper and write an essay. It wasn't until I had written on the whole front and flipped to the back that I realized I was using the doodle sheet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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By Doglover

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

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By leah

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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By TheRunaway21 - United States

Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

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By caughttt - United States

Never cross the streams

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

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By notrocketscience - United States - West Monroe

Dumbass

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By XoxoChula - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By emilyparker - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By Sir Smokalot - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

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By Ms. Heartless - United States

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

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By fireenginemad - United States - Vancouver

Today, my roommate found an eviction notice on our door for unpaid rent. Our apartment building caught fire and we haven't been living there for well over a month because it was legally unlivable. Today was our first day back. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

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By bob - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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By micahmatt - United States

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

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By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

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By wowawesome

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

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By workinggirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By JJ_V3N0M - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

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By Gayeveryday - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

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By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By gvmfvr - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

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By spooked - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

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Top comments

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

COMMENTS

By ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117501 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:21

That's what Tabloids are for nowadays anyway.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#4117621 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:01

That's some expensive toilet paper.

Reply

soccerdude79 | 0

#4117836 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:31

Tabloids are in magazines not the newspaper

Reply

skitzofunia88 | 8

#4117853 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:35

Umm Sunday is tomorrow if I'm not mistaken.

Reply

bdathorne | 6

#4117872 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:43

FMLs aren't posted on the day they're submitted, nor are they necessarily submitted on the day they happen.

Reply

ThatGuyRory | 9

#4117885 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:48

31 - There are two types of Newspaper: Tabloid and Broadsheet. Tabloids are your typical trashy sunday paper with the page 3 girl and all your Celebrity crap. Trust me.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118057 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:15

My brother pooped his pants on his first date, whipped with a wet newspaper and the ink imprinted on him.(:

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4118609 - Saturday 3 March 2012 18:41

But why we're you jogging with a Sunday paper?

Reply

Sparks808 | 10

#4118727 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:20

Not sure why you're being thumbed down, I was wondering the same thing myself.

Reply

miz_kamakazi | 11

#4118803 - Saturday 3 March 2012 19:48

33, Your pic reminds me of the FML who's fiancé refused to brush their teeth because they smoked menthols.

Reply

kooochris1995 | 14

#4119412 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:39

^ Good to know.

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4119435 - Saturday 3 March 2012 23:46

I think it's great to know. (:

Reply

Sixers01 | 0

#4122717 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:25

96 - considering everyone is here to read about other's misfortunes, it was good to know

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4123722 - Monday 5 March 2012 14:36

^ thank you.

By roafteth | 4

#4117503 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Lolol, at least it wasn't as bad as it could be, there will probably soon be another fml story from the guy whose yard you used

Reply

xFluttershy | 7

#4117635 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:06

As long as you didn't get any on the comic section:)

Reply

nickdunbar | 8

#4118003 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:41

Haha

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4119298 - Saturday 3 March 2012 22:46

Personally, I'm hoping that there was an article about wallstreet on the paper op used

Reply

thisisafunnyname | 12

#4120525 - Sunday 4 March 2012 15:59

Not as bad as I thought it was. While reading it, I thought op was hit by a piece of shit

By kisaka | 2

#4117504 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:22

Classy

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117628 - Saturday 3 March 2012 13:03

Dude, you can fight it once the urge is there.

Reply

123josie123 | 11

#4117876 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:45

*cant

Reply

niznor99 | 6

#4118300 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:02

No doubt. It sucks trying to fight it when you're driving.

Reply

blair_x | 12

#4119980 - Sunday 4 March 2012 7:37

It sucks even more when you're jogging, and pretty much all of you is like, moving around repeatedly.

You don't know the feeling of having to hold it in while running until you actually have to hold it in while running.

By silentbutfunny | 0

#4117511 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:24

And hey you got the comics while your at it

Reply

Quillian12 | 0

#4119765 - Sunday 4 March 2012 6:33

!!!! You have the same birth day as me!!! :0

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#4122816 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:53

No i don't... Yours is a couple of years off.

By reenkaur | 7

#4117527 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:28

good use of the sunday paper :D
.but hey, atleast you arent constipated .lol

Reply

fingerhut | 3

#4130377 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 2:37

running is the best solution to constipation

By choshaki | 8

#4117535 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:29

Hopefully no one saw you. It could've been worse OP. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...

By toenibbler | 14

#4117550 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:33

The tabloids are perfectly suited for the job then.

By _streets_ | 19

#4117559 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:37

Sometimes when you gotta go, you gotta go man.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#4117973 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:25

Quack...BANG!

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4118096 - Saturday 3 March 2012 16:24

Duck face.(:

Reply

sovetskiy | 8

#4118396 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:35

Let it happen, Cap'n

By CadillacPimpen | 6

#4117568 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:39

I'm curious if you ran or walked back home?

Reply

AhhBrenid | 8

#4117956 - Saturday 3 March 2012 15:18

Hmm....i'm guessing op ran.

Reply

mojo5678 | 5

#4118340 - Saturday 3 March 2012 17:17

...

By redbluegreen | 40

#4117580 - Saturday 3 March 2012 12:46

I like how this FML was worded. It's like the OP slayed some sort of cumbersome cave dwelling dragon while armed only with a sword fashioned out of the Sunday funnies.

Reply

friedbunnies | 9

#4117766 - Saturday 3 March 2012 14:03

He kind of did.