Intimacy: Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh... - FML

By jealouspussy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

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Late term

Taking stock

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 11:01

If it quacks like a duck, it's a quack

Today, we got the news that my dad will be dying of Covid. My mom, former nurse, still insist it's a hoax and that the holistic route will cure him. FML

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By

Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By bloodyfreakinawful - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

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By KaySchrages92 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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By geedeewhy

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

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By the_music_major - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By psychobunnycutie - 29/1/2021 14:02

Cut her off

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

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By yeah... - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend who I am still in love with sends me a text message that says "I miss you, baby". It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

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By TheSneakyNugget - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML

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By wenchfucker - France - ?pinal

Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

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By embarrassed - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By fuckbio - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Granger

Today, I got together a surprise party for my mom's birthday. I invited all her friends and her douchebag boyfriend who I don't get along with. When my mom got home, he took credit and got her friends to back him up with bribing. My mom said I'm selfish and horrible for not trying for her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By fuckcops - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Walmart, a crazy old woman bitched me out for being pregnant. She kept following me around, calling me a stupid teen slut and saying she hoped my baby died so I could live a "normal life". I'm 26 and just very short. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

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By chamberpottime - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By lolfayce - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By Lazy - Australia

Today, I was at work and was trying to cheer up my stressed out manager by chatting. We were on the subject of sleeping in when I told her that I loved to be lazy and sleep in when I could. She looked up and down me and then answered, "I can see that." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Anonymous

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By fmlmao

Today, I was feeling depressed, so I decided to go snowboarding with friends to cheer myself up. I fell on the first trail and broke my dominant wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

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By unforgettablee - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

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By Jennagirl - Australia

Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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By dazzla08

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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Top comments

By felidsentry | 17

#5375856 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:12

He'll never look at a pussy the same way again.

By hunny797 | 5

#5375854 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:11

Was that a threesome??

COMMENTS

By Soph0725 | 8

#5375848 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:08

I hate cats...

Reply

Corrupt_waffles | 13

#5375860 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

I'm pretty sure they hate you too.

Reply

upallnight11 | 19

#5375939 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:57

How can you hate cats! I'm shocked...

Reply

Blackcatluck | 19

#5375942 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:00

You shall be the first to be executed when we dominate this world.

Reply

Always_Me7 | 6

#5375972 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:45

True true

Reply

SirCharles83 | 13

#5376052 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 16:33

29- that's what Lloyd looked like when he was a baby.

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5377148 - Thursday 21 February 2013 12:36

Cat lovers.

By TheWorldGreatest | 8

#5375850 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:09

Cats can be very nasty animal !

Reply

anythingmustbe | 18

#5376163 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:21

Your grammar can also be very nasty.

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5376195 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:00

It was obviously just a typo. Nothing to do with bad grammar.

Reply

life_sucks225 | 13

#5516088 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:25

i hate cats for that specific reason

By Kidkaplan | 19

#5375851 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:09

"Praise the lord" he didnt

Reply

Neonemerld | 19

#5375859 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

OP never said the guy didn't get clawed.

By hunny797 | 5

#5375854 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:11

Was that a threesome??

Reply

guitarbeast | 22

#5376085 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 17:00

I Can Haz Threesome?

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5376200 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:01

61- Spin for me. Hmm ok... ok.... Yez, yous can haz threesome.

Reply

AustinCarlile01 | 12

#5376670 - Thursday 21 February 2013 0:47

wow that really blows! *ba dum tssss*

Reply

jdimaria3 | 13

#5376783 - Thursday 21 February 2013 3:24

Well, he did get two pussies, so...

By felidsentry | 17

#5375856 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:12

He'll never look at a pussy the same way again.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5375920 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:14

thinking of you saying that while making the face you have in your profile pic made that comment even better!

By Evgeny2222 | 11

#5375857 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

Oh, these cats... Always come to watch you when you're having sex.

Reply

jjessen | 20

#5375941 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:59

Ceiling cat watches you having sex

Reply

Blackcatluck | 19

#5375945 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:03

It's very entertaining seeing one of you in pain while the other is enjoying themselves. In this case no one was in pain therefor the cat needed to make more entertaining

Reply

iGottaFindBubbah | 12

#5376042 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 16:26

It's true, lol cats are creepers.

Reply

Ashekitty | 6

#5376118 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 17:30

This really is true, my cat would sit at the foot of the bed and watch my boyfriend and I. Every goddamn time!

Reply

Leprekhaun | 14

#5376262 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:28

They are studying human interactions in hopes of finding a weakness.

Reply

mrperspire | 4

#5376352 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:02

So true

By pattayarick | 8

#5375865 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:15

When I'm getting a blowjob and have a pussy in my face at the same time, it's called 69. Sounds like it's the bf that should have posted the FML.

By chocolateisyum | 12

#5375868 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:17

Maybe the cat was jealous. You should try getting it a girlfriend so it doesn't have to fight over you.

Reply

TurtleSmile | 14

#5376381 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:28

Sounds like OP already knew that, judging by her username.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5375871 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:19

So his face... It was actually clawed off? Pics or it didn't happen

By rattusrattus | 18

#5375872 - Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:19

It's a well-known fact that pussies prefer cunnilingus to fellatio.