Intimacy: Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 93

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 53

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 27

20/02/2013 06:55

Spicy

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 357

You deserved it 5 953

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dementia or hate? You decide

So compassionate

23/02/2010 21:13

Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 809

You deserved it 6 669

Is this Woody Allen?

By ShockedToDeath - 08/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 110

You deserved it 132

23/07/2019 06:00

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 709

29/08/2013 19:33

Today, after a long couple of months working non-stop, I finally got someone to cover my shift. Turns out she was joking, and when I didn't show up for work, I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 782

You deserved it 3 669

15/08/2012 06:18

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 453

You deserved it 3 592

15/05/2014 22:57

Spicy

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 041

You deserved it 60 222

13/09/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 037

You deserved it 263

29/12/2013 07:01

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 489

You deserved it 58 900

08/01/2010 15:09

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 880

You deserved it 3 719

Narcissists never unite!

By bntje - 14/04/2013 20:39

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 597

You deserved it 3 824

15/07/2009 05:04

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 703

You deserved it 3 401

11/01/2011 13:34

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 606

You deserved it 1 982

02/11/2013 04:19

Today, my 8-year-old came home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole class to write about how they felt when they learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 496

You deserved it 5 975

Optimism

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 02:01

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 61

Brave

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 04:01

Today, my husband got home from hospital following a suicide attempt that was a hair's breadth from being successful, and told me he did it because he can’t handle being married, being a father, having responsibilities, then he moved out and refuses to come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 129

13/09/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 250

24/11/2012 05:38

Spicy

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 291

You deserved it 49 509

21/11/2013 20:37

Spicy

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 223

You deserved it 10 211

18/04/2015 14:38

Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 434

You deserved it 34 509

14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 158

You deserved it 266

02/09/2011 02:29

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 694

You deserved it 4 737

10/01/2010 21:50

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 534

You deserved it 4 838

Damn squares!

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 17:01

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 317

10/11/2008 12:06

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 453

You deserved it 59 561

18/04/2012 00:55

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 363

You deserved it 2 032

22/08/2010 23:33

Today, I got tased, with the same taser I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 952

You deserved it 8 236

07/09/2015 18:08

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 870

You deserved it 8 347

06/10/2011 04:23

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 936

You deserved it 2 921

13/02/2010 14:53

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 043

You deserved it 27 058

22/11/2009 13:53

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 395

You deserved it 6 151

12/11/2014 05:21

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 713

You deserved it 3 595

23/08/2010 23:31

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 275

You deserved it 53 910

14/04/2013 07:28

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 579

You deserved it 4 190

A new enemy

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 02:01

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 384

23/12/2011 06:42

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 677

You deserved it 10 067

27/08/2013 04:36

Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 945

You deserved it 4 538

The disrespect!

By squeezable - 19/06/2009 17:48

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my love handles, and said, "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 348

You deserved it 6 792

23/05/2015 07:03

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 034

You deserved it 2 516

Birthday gift

By Anonymous - 02/02/2020 03:00

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 074

You deserved it 146

27/06/2019 06:36

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 2 781

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Top comments

felidsentry 17

Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:12

He'll never look at a pussy the same way again.

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:11

Was that a threesome??

Comments

Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:08

I hate cats...

Corrupt_waffles 13

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

I'm pretty sure they hate you too.

upallnight11 19

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:57

How can you hate cats! I'm shocked...

Blackcatluck 19

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:00

You shall be the first to be executed when we dominate this world.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:45

True true

SirCharles83 13

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 16:33

29- that's what Lloyd looked like when he was a baby.

BlowinChronic 18

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Thursday 21 February 2013 12:36

Cat lovers.

TheWorldGreatest 8

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:09

Cats can be very nasty animal !

anythingmustbe 18

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 18:21

Your grammar can also be very nasty.

BlowinChronic 18

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:00

It was obviously just a typo. Nothing to do with bad grammar.

life_sucks225 13

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Saturday 1 June 2013 7:25

i hate cats for that specific reason

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:09

"Praise the lord" he didnt

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

OP never said the guy didn't get clawed.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:11

Was that a threesome??

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 17:00

I Can Haz Threesome?

PenguinBitch 43

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:01

61- Spin for me. Hmm ok... ok.... Yez, yous can haz threesome.

AustinCarlile01 12

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Thursday 21 February 2013 0:47

wow that really blows! *ba dum tssss*

jdimaria3 13

Thursday 21 February 2013 3:24

Well, he did get two pussies, so...

felidsentry 17

Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:12

He'll never look at a pussy the same way again.

sens3sfailing 24

Send a private message

Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:14

thinking of you saying that while making the face you have in your profile pic made that comment even better!

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:13

Oh, these cats... Always come to watch you when you're having sex.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 13:59

Ceiling cat watches you having sex

Blackcatluck 19

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 14:03

It's very entertaining seeing one of you in pain while the other is enjoying themselves. In this case no one was in pain therefor the cat needed to make more entertaining

iGottaFindBubbah 12

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 16:26

It's true, lol cats are creepers.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 17:30

This really is true, my cat would sit at the foot of the bed and watch my boyfriend and I. Every goddamn time!

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 19:28

They are studying human interactions in hopes of finding a weakness.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:02

So true

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:15

When I'm getting a blowjob and have a pussy in my face at the same time, it's called 69. Sounds like it's the bf that should have posted the FML.

chocolateisyum 12

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:17

Maybe the cat was jealous. You should try getting it a girlfriend so it doesn't have to fight over you.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 21:28

Sounds like OP already knew that, judging by her username.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:19

So his face... It was actually clawed off? Pics or it didn't happen

rattusrattus 18

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 12:19

It's a well-known fact that pussies prefer cunnilingus to fellatio.