Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing.... - FML

By esb - 13/8/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By f*ckingdisgusted - 27/8/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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By spooked - 5/11/2014 20:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after my shower, I went to clear off my fogged-up mirror. Doing so, I noticed a handprint on it. I compared it to my hand, but it was much too small. I live alone. FML

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By "Kymberly Hams" - 9/4/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

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By Tonya - 28/6/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

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By qx5 - 8/1/2011 22:05 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By T3kM4n - 20/9/2016 06:08 - United States - Spokane

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto - 25/4/2011 12:11

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

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By Ian - 18/4/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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By Dirtyswede - 17/6/2009 14:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By DogDoingScience - 1/9/2011 15:45 - Czech Republic

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 06:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 08:53 - Denmark

Today, I called my mom to make sure she could attend on the wedding day my fiancé and I had discussed. She started off with criticizing the venue we considered, then went on to criticize my fiancé, and then stated she would under no circumstances help out, but demanded to pick my wedding dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 09:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML

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By raspberrysachere - 3/6/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By dam01 - 2/8/2009 07:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML

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By HomeChump - 28/9/2016 05:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

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By peterpan - 23/2/2010 12:54 - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

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By mom - 6/12/2012 19:23 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 19:09 - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

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By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By panicromanceX3 - 26/4/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By Mamallama - 19/8/2018 13:00

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - 8/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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By daydreamer - 29/7/2012 05:12 - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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By killme - 29/2/2016 07:00 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By seriously? - 5/8/2013 05:11 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

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By audied - 4/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

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By KingSnow03 - 31/3/2020 20:00

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By flurina - 18/12/2009 20:44 - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

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By st3phani3b - 26/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I'm stuck at home waiting on a plumber to come fix the flooding in my basement. The flooding happens when any sink, shower, or toilet in the house is used. Today is also the day that I started my period. Without water. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

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Top comments

By YoStephy123 | 0

#483390 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:16

Kinky.

By aback | 4

#483416 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:20

So dress up like a cop.

...on second thought, an "under the bed" doughnut would be a dealbreaker, anyway.

Comments

By ManicGypsy | 22

#483386 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:15

Gross! First!

Reply

jackalope104 | 0

#483441 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:25

It must not have been all that akward, because it sounds like you still ended up having sex with him.

Now if that completely killed the mood and you didn't end up having sex, then it would be an FML

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#483485 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:38

Sounds like you're copying all those other fml's in which everything goes great for someone during sex or a date, and then something wacky and random happens.
*sigh*

Reply

LatinoHeat | 0

#483554 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:58

YDI for trying to sing like Clay Aiken while you had your mouth full of doughnut.

Reply

yamba_fml | 0

#483692 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:02

YDI for being anorexic

Reply

MercedesJames | 0

#483829 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:58

I promise u first dates or first intimate moments are when u really get to know someone.. thats when all the freaky shit happens to me

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#484069 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:51

I agree with 14.
Besides, what's so bad about eating a donut during sex? Unless it actually CAME from under his bed (as in, not a box under his bed).
It's his kink to eat while sexing. It could be worse; he could want you to shit in his mouth or something.

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484186 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:38

YDI for acting out shakespeare with your racoon

Reply

humorizer | 14

#484194 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:40

At least he didn't eat your eucalyptus hair?

Reply

elektrik_fml | 0

#484859 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:37

even though i usually get annoyed with the things where the guy does something else instead, this one seriously made me laugh for like five minutes. totally random and funny hahaha.

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#484903 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:55

YDI IT FOR NOT EATING IT!

Reply

MissWillyB | 0

#484943 - Friday 14 August 2009 4:13

hahahahahaha =D

Reply

bayybee | 0

#485136 - Friday 14 August 2009 5:28

#128 i just died laughing. that was the funniest fml ever.

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#496906 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 19:26

@110 I was asked to do that

Reply

BabyImTwisted | 0

#523400 - Saturday 29 August 2009 4:42

LOL sounds pretty nasty..

Reply

JuggaWhat | 0

#635656 - Saturday 24 October 2009 4:57

WTF?

Reply

CHRISHAJEK | 4

#2391059 - Saturday 23 April 2011 5:53

that's hilarious

Reply

sexilyugly | 5

#4671298 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 8:34

this makes NO sense.

By YoStephy123 | 0

#483390 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:16

Kinky.

Reply

Ox_Baker | 0

#483616 - Thursday 13 August 2009 20:25

Fakey. Sounds like it was written by an 11-year-old.

Reply

sexinmybed | 0

#483712 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:09

i agree. its fake. why would there be a donut under his bed. and why wouldnt you notice before he shoved it in your mouth?!!

Reply

FFPianoDude | 2

#483758 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:30

Sounds like the guy is an 11-year-old.

Reply

ananamoose | 0

#483806 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:48

I would say this guy sounds about around the age of 11 years old, wouldn't you?

Reply

donkey_hang_down | 2

#484065 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:50

Time to get up and make the doughnuts....

Maybe he wanted to make the filling for the Boston Creme.

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#484327 - Friday 14 August 2009 0:30

at #72 I have dorito's under my bed >.> What do you have against people with foods in their bed?

Reply

elchapin562 | 0

#489215 - Saturday 15 August 2009 19:39

there's actually some weird fetishes out there. this may be the weirdest one.
i only got a thing for girls feet, n i still only think about giving them a kiss, not gettin a footjob haha

Reply

AmbrosiaLK | 0

#518225 - Thursday 27 August 2009 4:49

you check under the bed before having sex with someone?

Reply

requiem360 | 0

#954511 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 19:32

your momma likes burnt fed donuts in bed

Reply

jleisurely69 | 0

#1750727 - Thursday 25 November 2010 17:57

it prob had roofies in it so u wont remember how u got pregnant

Reply

isaac_newton | 17

#6538943 - Wednesday 17 February 2016 6:21

Do you always look under your sexual partners bed first? Do you check for monsters?

By xxMiiNii | 0

#483392 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:16

YDI for your "great" taste in guys. =)

Reply

chinolatino | 0

#484314 - Friday 14 August 2009 0:26

I agree. If he's eating stuff off the floor regularly, you should've noticed it in his gnarly breath when you were kissing him! YDI

By Jaxxie | 0

#483395 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:16

What a creeper...

Reply

dollywilson | 0

#483481 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:36

.

Reply

ambrz | 0

#840540 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 8:45

..

By AnneFTW | 17

#483399 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:17

Lol That's just weird xD

By _THE_MASTER_ | 0

#483405 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:18

i guess he had a more..."holey" idea for the night?

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#484036 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:42

YESSS every1 hated my terrible, cheesey, corny pun...VICTORY!!!

Reply

iliekpieandcakez | 0

#484202 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:42

i liked it.
victory is mine.

Reply

krustacea | 1

#2202867 - Saturday 19 March 2011 5:12

lol

By Entity4Infinity | 0

#483406 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:19

okay was he thinking it was sexy or what?
little weird

Reply

N00d13s | 0

#483775 - Thursday 13 August 2009 21:38

Agreed. Saying it makes you sound like a fucking 3 year old.

By ritzy05 | 1

#483411 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:19

hahaha you're like the girl on the tyra show whose boyfriend fed her cupcakes and stuff during sex b/c he liked them fat!

Reply

donkey_hang_down | 2

#483532 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:52

I hope she is not on a diet! I wonder what kind of doughnut it was... Maybe he is a cop? Or just a fatscum fuck. We'll never know

By aback | 4

#483416 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:20

So dress up like a cop.

...on second thought, an "under the bed" doughnut would be a dealbreaker, anyway.

By tyson346 | 0

#483419 - Thursday 13 August 2009 19:20

Eat it will amuse me hahaha