Today, I was looking through pictures on Facebook. There was...

By MorganRox26 - 31/12/2010 16:52 - Canada

Today, I was looking through pictures on Facebook. There was a picture of me and my friends with the caption "I love you guys!" below. I had been cropped out. FML

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Miscellaneous

The best cat

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By neuroticallyours - 12/11/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By Robert - 1/7/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By Sleepless - 5/2/2019 00:00

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

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2200

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By tamponmayhem - 9/3/2009 19:30 - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

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By Zoogangcapk - 1/1/2020 05:00

Double Impact

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

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477

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - 9/11/2009 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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By brokennose - 26/8/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By onlyslightly - 30/11/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/12/2014 23:24 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

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By Puddlepop - 1/3/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By SinkingShip - 24/9/2014 07:15 - South Africa

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

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By 635CSi - 6/6/2012 05:23 - United States - San Diego

Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML

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By random - 23/10/2013 22:41 - United States - Amarillo

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

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By anonymous - 24/5/2016 03:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

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By hearing too much - 3/11/2019 02:00

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By frenchy - 24/3/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

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By John jacob - 13/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 08:25

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By caleighrossi - 16/6/2014 00:21 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By oboy - 1/3/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 21:54 - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

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By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By MimiFufu - 22/9/2019 16:00

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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By IcyWinter - 2/4/2014 08:16 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

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By Dx - 6/3/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By needabettermirror - 14/12/2016 11:07 - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home she thanked me over and over again and then said "thank god you have no life!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By Abrams52 - 28/5/2013 05:44 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

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By Shannon - 29/11/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 14:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 22:59 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By serveandprotectyeahright - 20/11/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

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By fatty - 9/6/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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By shanna - 23/5/2018 15:00

Unfair. Period.

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

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By Anon - 10/3/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

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By Roxas - 14/2/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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Top comments

By daydreamstar | 7

#747291 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:51

im sorry. *hug*

By xCrackerx | 3

#747334 - Thursday 31 December 2010 19:05

You must be the "friend" that no one really likes.

Comments

By 123e3 | 0

#747289 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:50

well fuck them. get better friends

DreMaMa | 0

#747459 - Thursday 31 December 2010 20:15

Fuck Bitches Get MONEY.

NoNameForM3 | 0

#747579 - Thursday 31 December 2010 21:28

ummm maybe ur eyes were closed ?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL123 | 2

#747601 - Thursday 31 December 2010 21:40

MESSAGE ME FOR LOCKERZ INVITE!!1

LOCKERZ = FREE IPODS, GAMING SYSTEMS, GAMES, AND MOREEEE ALL FREE!!!!!!

Electric_Star | 0

#747740 - Thursday 31 December 2010 23:09

Rofl. I would take money over friends anyway. With enough money you could buy friends. I bet they would be just as fun to go clubbing with anyway. Unless I like, grew up with them or something. As for the OP, drop them.

hnurzaman | 0

#748183 - Friday 1 January 2010 3:51

what a fool question.. :D

By daydreamstar | 7

#747291 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:51

im sorry. *hug*

avdog | 0

#3807770 - Friday 30 December 2011 14:23

Disregard friends. Acquire currency lol
I feel bad for u

By rambles | 0

#747292 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:51

awwww thats sucks! just find some better friends.

By Icy_fml | 0

#747300 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:53

accident?

_Fleur_ | 0

#747329 - Thursday 31 December 2010 19:04

Yeah it could have been a mistake

Towelie_31 | 0

#747506 - Thursday 31 December 2010 20:49

how do you accidently crop someone out of a picture?

MzRodriquez95 | 0

#748147 - Friday 1 January 2010 3:15

Lmao Mercy does have a point I accidentally cropped my friend too (winks).

Starfire22 | 5

#749505 - Saturday 2 January 2010 0:54

Mercy is that why I'm cropped out of our s&m group pic? I knew it!:D

sgomfg | 1

#1014180 - Monday 31 May 2010 21:21

mercy u can crop photos directly in facebook u don't need Photoshop crap

By TylerFYL | 0

#747302 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:54

damn fyl

By pinktiger | 0

#747303 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:54

the picture probably just accidentally cropped you out..not the end of the world

Baron_Random | 0

#973980 - Sunday 4 April 2010 15:49

It's facebook, it was probably automatically cropped by the picture fitter.
As for #87, maybe you're describing yourself. You sound like a right asshole.

By mariexheartless | 0

#747304 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:54

:O:O omg i feel so bad for you .
you should get better friends . damn hoes .

By thinmint | 0

#747310 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:57

well that was rude

By Mz_CaRtER | 0

#747311 - Thursday 31 December 2010 18:58

Wowz i agree wit da pplz above me (sum) jus get betta friendz n if it really wuz "suppose" they could have fixed it sooo yea jus get betta friendz --simple.