Intimacy: Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I... - FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

By FML Team

Chicken in your bed

Today's special, today we're trying something new. By new, do we mean that we're welcoming a lame artist? No. So, by new, do we mean...

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By FML.. / Monday 6 April 2009 19:51 / China

Serious times

BO Central

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By loner - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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By paging dr. kevorkian - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Get where you can!

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

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By esv - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

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By owned - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

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By babymomma - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By charlatan

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

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By onething - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

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By heck

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

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By BarhydtBran - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By obviously not the favorite

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

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By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By dumbbass - Canada

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

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By Loki16 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By Firstborn - Canada - Halifax

Today, I got into a major fight with my parents over my younger brother stealing from me. Their response was to get angry at me for my "tone" with them. My brother is 18 with an obvious drug problem, but my tone is the problem. FML

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By -_- - United States - Lahaina

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

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By Jared - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By notworthy - New Zealand

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

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By Baby Face

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By GetFuzzy

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

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By MakeItMaaco - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

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By IHateSchool-.- - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

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By brit - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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By mustache girl - Canada - Magog

Today, I waxed my upper lip hair. My boyfriend later told me that he missed my mustache rubbing onto his. FML

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By nothowitworks - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

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By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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By GeeThanks - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By Daniel - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By gravycoveredblackberry - United States

Today, I had my new Blackberry Curve sitting on my lunch tray. Unthinkingly, i tossed it into the garbage can. 10 minutes later i realized I had thrown it away and spent the next hour searching through six garbage cans of half-eaten food. FML

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By Merry F-ing birthmas - 20/12/2020 11:01 - Australia - Brisbane

They targeted gamers!

Today, as he has all day for the last 3 days, my husband has been playing Cyberpunk 2077. However, it's my birthday. When I mentioned this fact, I was told to just walk the 4 miles to the store and buy a cake, "if it matters so much." I have celiac and he spent our grocery money on the game. FML

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By busted - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML

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Top comments

By TBD3 | 0

#88381 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

Wow, I almost read this very wrong.

I missed the "I asked my friend..." part and thought your Hispanic boyfriend was a "she"...

By SundayNight_fml | 0

#803274 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:39

Maybe if your boyfriends initials were KFC?

COMMENTS

By TBD3 | 0

#88381 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

Wow, I almost read this very wrong.

I missed the "I asked my friend..." part and thought your Hispanic boyfriend was a "she"...

Reply

ivyy | 0

#811362 - Sunday 31 January 2010 3:47

omg I did the same exact thing!

Reply

aethum | 0

#851282 - Saturday 13 February 2010 9:42

FRIED CHICKEN, FRIEF CHICKEN, OH FUCK FRIIIIIIIIEF CHIIIIIIVKEERRRRN!!!!!

Reply

Nick_1993 | 2

#1550776 - Friday 15 October 2010 11:36

haha i did that to

Reply

pieisgood125 | 4

#2155482 - Sunday 6 March 2011 14:27

hahaha

Reply

russianraccoon | 0

#3783748 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:49

Exactly what I did the first time

Reply

alphatoomega | 21

#5289105 - Friday 28 December 2012 16:40

Me too!

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5858363 - Friday 14 February 2014 22:27

Then I read it once again cause I hadn't noticed that until I saw your comment...

By ForestFire0 | 1

#88391 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

Maybe he just thought you have good taste in food. Fried chicken is delicious

Reply

saxman45 | 0

#1952793 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 2:08

Maybe he also thinks you are black lol

Reply

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2522563 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 7:20

^this.

By ladedum | 0

#88395 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.

Reply

palltaru | 0

#2072845 - Saturday 12 February 2011 1:53

wats the FML here? Everybody likes fried chicken.

By TurtleGenius | 0

#88397 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

Well. I hope you like fried chicken, then.

By Ender_ | 0

#88398 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

haha. That's funny. Your boyfriend must really think you love fried chicken now.

Reply

HerpaderpMeg | 12

#3291722 - Thursday 15 September 2011 3:45

your son, is ADORABLE.

Reply

Jacksparrow72 | 21

#5306534 - Thursday 3 January 2013 5:49

Hahaha.

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5721985 - Saturday 19 October 2013 7:08

FRIED CHICKEN

By LLsuperfly | 0

#88404 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

How can you be dating a hispanic guy and not even know the most basic spanish?
Or why did it not occur to you to verify what your friend?
Did you not connect pollo with poultry? frito with fried?
the sheer stupidity...

By dontcallmekim | 0

#88409 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

i bet he got a good chuckle out of that

By weinerdog | 2

#88410 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

At least she didn't give you the Spanish for 'Dirty Sanchez' . Next time let babelfish be your friend.

Reply

Inritus1618 | 1

#3056860 - Sunday 7 August 2011 10:07

Win! At least the joke was "Mostly Harmless."

By nben89 | 0

#88414 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:11

Fuck me in Spanish is Jódame, at least in Spain, with the j sounding kinda like an h

Reply

Angcrad | 17

#7658034 - Saturday 7 July 2018 16:46

Actually, it's "fóllame" with the double L pronounced as the letter 'Y' in the word "you".

"Jódeme" could be translated as "fuck me over", "fuck me up" or "annoy me" while the phrase "No me jodas" means something along the lines of "Are you kidding me?"

By Angelol_fml | 0

#88416 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:12

umm, well you could've noticed the pollo from el pollo loco, do they have those in china?

Well, after you guys were done you could've went to a kfc or something and see how turned on he REALLY gets

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#797102 - Monday 25 January 2010 6:09

no they don't

Reply

savannaaaah | 0

#3075590 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 2:57

lolol