Intimacy: Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I... - FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

By FML Team

Chicken in your bed

Today's special, today we're trying something new. By new, do we mean that we're welcoming a lame artist? No. So, by new, do we mean...

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By FML.. / Monday 6 April 2009 19:51 / China

The smell detective is on the case

Out of it

Ruined art

By Shuntbob - United States - Herriman

Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes, I could choose where to eat tonight. My stepmother told him I wanted to eat at IKEA, of all places, because that's what she wanted. Guess who he believed, and guess where I am right now. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Baby steps

Today, my class got baby dolls for the week to teach us how to be good parents. After school, I went to the store with my mom with the baby doll. When I got home, I realized that I left the baby doll in a shopping cart. FML

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By Oopsydaisy31

Metal music

Today, my date and I were getting to know each other, and we talked about our favorite music. He's into metal. Trying to impress him, I mention I like metal too. He said his favorite band is “The Gonzorks” and I mentioned that's my favorite too. He looked at me dead and cold and said “Um, actually that band doesn't exist.” FML

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By Preggers

Such a helpful kitty!

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

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By uhoh901 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By Levi2411 - 6/1/2021 11:01

Work is hell

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

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By ohmy - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By Cacahuete - France - Villejuif

Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML

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By sal - United States - Rexburg

Today, I had to finally accept that my husband is too large for me. Normally, it'd be a bragging point, except my private parts can't handle it. After several infections brought on after vaginal tearing, I'm having to choose between being in perpetual pain, or giving up my sex life. FML

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By marmarr - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By loser - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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By vbscb - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my niece when we decided to play hide and seek. I went in the shed, and waited. After waiting a while, I went to go back inside to see what was happening. I saw my niece had locked all the doors and was eating cookies on the kitchen bench. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Mark - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

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By notanerd - United States

Today, I have to spend over an hour at a Gamestop so my boyfriend can get his 'Final Fantasy' game at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to stand around any more, and all the people around around me are debating super heroes. I'm living in an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory.' FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 02:02 - Germany - Emden

Cooperation

Today, I share a bathroom with two other people and we divide tasks equally. They take care of making it dirty; I take care of making it clean. FML

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By fjsinedniend - United States - Missoula

Today, I was having a conversation with a new friend when she remembered she needed to grab something from her car. I don't know where she parked, but it's been two and a half hours and she's still gone. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Ammerndorf

The cheek!

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By 613tanner

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Tailor Swift

Today, I awakened from my peaceful slumber in a great mood. I walked into my closet, ready to pick out an outfit for the day, to find my two year old daughter, kneeling on the floor with a pair of scissors in her hand, cutting up my wedding dress - my wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By momac86 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

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By yoked - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

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By NotKeithRichards - United States

Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML

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By Typidiot

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By nobody asked you! - United States - New York

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a "talent fee". FML

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By Lucy - United States

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - United States - West Bend

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

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By NeverNumberOne

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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By titov - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

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By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bell

Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By ollie179 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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Top comments

By TBD3 | 0

#88381 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

Wow, I almost read this very wrong.

I missed the "I asked my friend..." part and thought your Hispanic boyfriend was a "she"...

By SundayNight_fml | 0

#803274 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:39

Maybe if your boyfriends initials were KFC?

COMMENTS

By TBD3 | 0

#88381 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:07

Wow, I almost read this very wrong.

I missed the "I asked my friend..." part and thought your Hispanic boyfriend was a "she"...

Reply

ivyy | 0

#811362 - Sunday 31 January 2010 3:47

omg I did the same exact thing!

Reply

aethum | 0

#851282 - Saturday 13 February 2010 9:42

FRIED CHICKEN, FRIEF CHICKEN, OH FUCK FRIIIIIIIIEF CHIIIIIIVKEERRRRN!!!!!

Reply

Nick_1993 | 2

#1550776 - Friday 15 October 2010 11:36

haha i did that to

Reply

pieisgood125 | 4

#2155482 - Sunday 6 March 2011 14:27

hahaha

Reply

russianraccoon | 0

#3783748 - Sunday 25 December 2011 1:49

Exactly what I did the first time

Reply

alphatoomega | 21

#5289105 - Friday 28 December 2012 16:40

Me too!

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5858363 - Friday 14 February 2014 22:27

Then I read it once again cause I hadn't noticed that until I saw your comment...

By ForestFire0 | 1

#88391 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:08

Maybe he just thought you have good taste in food. Fried chicken is delicious

Reply

saxman45 | 0

#1952793 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 2:08

Maybe he also thinks you are black lol

Reply

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2522563 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 7:20

^this.

By ladedum | 0

#88395 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.

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palltaru | 0

#2072845 - Saturday 12 February 2011 1:53

wats the FML here? Everybody likes fried chicken.

By TurtleGenius | 0

#88397 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

Well. I hope you like fried chicken, then.

By Ender_ | 0

#88398 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:09

haha. That's funny. Your boyfriend must really think you love fried chicken now.

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HerpaderpMeg | 12

#3291722 - Thursday 15 September 2011 3:45

your son, is ADORABLE.

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Jacksparrow72 | 21

#5306534 - Thursday 3 January 2013 5:49

Hahaha.

Reply

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#5721985 - Saturday 19 October 2013 7:08

FRIED CHICKEN

By LLsuperfly | 0

#88404 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

How can you be dating a hispanic guy and not even know the most basic spanish?
Or why did it not occur to you to verify what your friend?
Did you not connect pollo with poultry? frito with fried?
the sheer stupidity...

By dontcallmekim | 0

#88409 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

i bet he got a good chuckle out of that

By weinerdog | 2

#88410 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:10

At least she didn't give you the Spanish for 'Dirty Sanchez' . Next time let babelfish be your friend.

Reply

Inritus1618 | 1

#3056860 - Sunday 7 August 2011 10:07

Win! At least the joke was "Mostly Harmless."

By nben89 | 0

#88414 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:11

Fuck me in Spanish is Jódame, at least in Spain, with the j sounding kinda like an h

Reply

Angcrad | 17

#7658034 - Saturday 7 July 2018 16:46

Actually, it's "fóllame" with the double L pronounced as the letter 'Y' in the word "you".

"Jódeme" could be translated as "fuck me over", "fuck me up" or "annoy me" while the phrase "No me jodas" means something along the lines of "Are you kidding me?"

By Angelol_fml | 0

#88416 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 2:12

umm, well you could've noticed the pollo from el pollo loco, do they have those in china?

Well, after you guys were done you could've went to a kfc or something and see how turned on he REALLY gets

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#797102 - Monday 25 January 2010 6:09

no they don't

Reply

savannaaaah | 0

#3075590 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 2:57

lolol