Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason,... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Age ain't nothing but a number

Headache

By thanks mom ¬_¬ - 24/8/2013 22:05 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By "Shadley Chase Teladia" - 21/11/2019 19:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Coincidence plays tricks on us!

Today, I finally got to meet the parents of the girl in which I have been dating for 3 months. I discovered that a month before we started dating, I had a one-night stand with her sister. And a week before that, I had a grinding session with her mother at a bar. No one is saying anything and her father is really bulky. FML

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By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2012 14:39 - Canada - Markham

Today, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk. As I did, a car that was passing by stopped, made a U-turn, and then came back so the people inside could laugh at me. When they were done taunting me, they made another U-turn and continued back in their original direction. FML

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By Professional_Ars - 14/10/2018 14:00

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

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By sucksatlove - 25/7/2013 23:20 - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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By IncompatibleMetier - 9/10/2014 23:07 - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

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By smalls727 - 22/11/2016 17:46

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By dieold - 28/1/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By The Cat Tickler - 13/9/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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By el211 - 15/3/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 14:05

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 04:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By Dehydrated - 1/9/2015 11:07 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

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By sunshine - 29/6/2017 02:00

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

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By dumbass - 7/2/2011 00:58

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

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By madseason - 7/5/2012 00:13 - United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

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By no cake for me - 7/11/2012 07:31 - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:30 - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By lookwhereyasittin - 24/1/2016 17:47 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

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By Failsafe - 9/5/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

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By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By Janer88 - 30/11/2009 05:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - 28/9/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By exasperated - 17/4/2014 03:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

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By bonehead69 - 31/5/2015 07:06 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

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By NotTheMomma - 22/7/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 00:30

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 19:27 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By toothbreaker - 21/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By shnigel - 27/2/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

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By just wanted nice nails - 5/8/2015 04:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By badgirl - 21/6/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

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By DennisQuaide69 - 27/6/2017 00:00

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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By Birthday Boy - 6/12/2017 05:00

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By Username - 3/3/2010 16:34 - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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Top comments

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

Comments

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5811892 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:11

Sorry about your shitty day OP.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812150 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:13

Welcome to FML, where this pun isn't even considered a pun anymore.

Reply

ohnowhyme123 | 15

#5812225 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:34

You must of had a crappy day!

Reply

JustinKirby | 20

#5812266 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 4:24

Didn't #1 just attempt that pun?

Reply

jolie21 | 18

#5812365 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 5:36

I just have to say what's on my mind. This reminded me of the buy more ^^ awesome show!

Reply

fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5812504 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 8:00

It's not going to work if it failed for the person before you!

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5814000 - Thursday 2 January 2014 14:03

No shitty jokes. Jeeze man.

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

Reply

\ | 28

#5811980 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:56

Hopefully, he got some laundry detergent with it.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5812911 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:13

the smell encompasses you

By jesswuvs2laf | 16

#5811904 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

"Care to explain why you've shit your pants, sir?"

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812092 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:10

I think he just did actually.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5811986 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:02

*Sacrificed. Remember, grammer are important.

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5812058 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:43

What the shit, grammar is important*...

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812094 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:11

Sorry #25 but you can't say grammar is important and then fuck up the word grammar. That's just a douchebag move...

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5812102 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:21

He was being sarcastic, look how he used 'are'.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812153 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:15

I'm laughing my ass off at this FML. The actual one itself, and the comments. How do you guys not get that it was sarcasm?

Reply

Trym | 7

#5812202 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:05

Well, sorry for not beeing english, and typing in a hurry with an iPhone set to norwegian autocorrect, and then slipping on one letter. :)

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5812703 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:00

Go away grammar Nazi!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5811906 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

I think there is a country song about this. If not there should be.

By TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811928 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:22

"Have a shitty rest of the day, Miss!"

Reply

TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811955 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:33

I am ashamed of that comment

By ilovefall10 | 21

#5811937 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:26

OP, I know your pain. It's never fun having a upset stomach, and trust me,
I suffer from IBS, so it happens a lot.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#5811941 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:28

Everybody gets sick OP, no need to feel super embarrassed. I hope for your speedy recovery(:

By DeviOomaki | 9

#5811947 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:30

Hope you feel better soon OP

By bessiemay01 | 5

#5811950 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:31

Why would you keep going to the store? I'd turn around and dump the crap in the pot and hop in the shower.

Reply

honeymoonroyale | 20

#5812236 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:48

Lol yeah, I'm pretty sure there was a shower around lol