Work: Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States

Compassion

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

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By scherzo - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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By Stoopid - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By allocomrade - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By crushed - 23/5/2020 02:00

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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By Galaxy - Belgium - Guigoven

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

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By roflcopter - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By chairlee - United States

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

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By diapermommy - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By college kid - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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By strictly cum prancing - United States

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

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By duuuuude - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By ShiriSarah - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

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By neilmalik - United States - Murrieta

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

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By pop - France

Today, my best friend invited me to dinner at his house. When I went to the toilet, I found my wife's wedding ring in a cup, which she'd lost a week ago. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By omgboobs - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

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By Ian - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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By Wowseriously - United States

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had organised to go for an all day fishing trip, but had forgotten to book a day off. I called my boss and told him that I had to stay with my mum in hospital after a car crash that she had last night. He called me a liar and fired me. Turns out my mum is having an affair with my boss. FML

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By HarvestMoon_gal - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

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By winnerwinner - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

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By RIPLife - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

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By nekogirl15 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

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By -___- - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By aviators - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By anon - United States - Pasadena

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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Top comments

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

COMMENTS

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5811892 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:11

Sorry about your shitty day OP.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812150 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:13

Welcome to FML, where this pun isn't even considered a pun anymore.

Reply

ohnowhyme123 | 15

#5812225 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:34

You must of had a crappy day!

Reply

JustinKirby | 20

#5812266 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 4:24

Didn't #1 just attempt that pun?

Reply

jolie21 | 18

#5812365 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 5:36

I just have to say what's on my mind. This reminded me of the buy more ^^ awesome show!

Reply

fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5812504 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 8:00

It's not going to work if it failed for the person before you!

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5814000 - Thursday 2 January 2014 14:03

No shitty jokes. Jeeze man.

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

Reply

\ | 28

#5811980 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:56

Hopefully, he got some laundry detergent with it.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5812911 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:13

the smell encompasses you

By yerbduebeenehe | 16

#5811904 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

"Care to explain why you've shit your pants, sir?"

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812092 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:10

I think he just did actually.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5811986 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:02

*Sacrificed. Remember, grammer are important.

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5812058 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:43

What the shit, grammar is important*...

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812094 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:11

Sorry #25 but you can't say grammar is important and then fuck up the word grammar. That's just a douchebag move...

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5812102 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:21

He was being sarcastic, look how he used 'are'.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812153 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:15

I'm laughing my ass off at this FML. The actual one itself, and the comments. How do you guys not get that it was sarcasm?

Reply

Trym | 7

#5812202 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:05

Well, sorry for not beeing english, and typing in a hurry with an iPhone set to norwegian autocorrect, and then slipping on one letter. :)

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5812703 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:00

Go away grammar Nazi!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5811906 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

I think there is a country song about this. If not there should be.

By TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811928 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:22

"Have a shitty rest of the day, Miss!"

Reply

TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811955 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:33

I am ashamed of that comment

By ilovefall10 | 21

#5811937 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:26

OP, I know your pain. It's never fun having a upset stomach, and trust me,
I suffer from IBS, so it happens a lot.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#5811941 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:28

Everybody gets sick OP, no need to feel super embarrassed. I hope for your speedy recovery(:

By DeviOomaki | 9

#5811947 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:30

Hope you feel better soon OP

By bessiemay01 | 5

#5811950 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:31

Why would you keep going to the store? I'd turn around and dump the crap in the pot and hop in the shower.

Reply

honeymoonroyale | 20

#5812236 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:48

Lol yeah, I'm pretty sure there was a shower around lol