Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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Proactive

And today, on Dr Phil…

Thanks, government

By cwell88

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

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By NoticeTheLackOfNumbers - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my six year old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

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By feeldumb - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

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By thanksbaby - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while reading my girlfriend's kids a story, her daughter started pouring a tiny watering can on my head. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Watering your head so your hair grows back". I'm twenty-seven. FML

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By shitface - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

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By Robert

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By poormomma - 15/4/2020 08:00

Shame! Shaaaame!

Today, I found out my son kept quiet about having head lice for a week. He's 14. FML

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By FLIPmcCOOL - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

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By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

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By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By lovely - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By deadgrass - United States - Middletown

Heavenly Shower

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

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By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Loose Ends - United States - Waltham

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

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By rmo1776 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By dilligaf - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

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By Nic - United States

Today, I just studied for 13.5 hours completely outlining a book for history. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized I had been reading the wrong book. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML

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By jasonnn - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

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By crystalpistol - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By notsurprised - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By human torch - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By Sheggie - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By ohgosh... - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By lily_marleen - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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Top comments

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

COMMENTS

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5811892 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:11

Sorry about your shitty day OP.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812150 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:13

Welcome to FML, where this pun isn't even considered a pun anymore.

Reply

ohnowhyme123 | 15

#5812225 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:34

You must of had a crappy day!

Reply

JustinKirby | 20

#5812266 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 4:24

Didn't #1 just attempt that pun?

Reply

jolie21 | 18

#5812365 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 5:36

I just have to say what's on my mind. This reminded me of the buy more ^^ awesome show!

Reply

fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5812504 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 8:00

It's not going to work if it failed for the person before you!

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5814000 - Thursday 2 January 2014 14:03

No shitty jokes. Jeeze man.

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

Reply

\ | 28

#5811980 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:56

Hopefully, he got some laundry detergent with it.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5812911 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:13

the smell encompasses you

By yerbduebeenehe | 16

#5811904 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:15

"Care to explain why you've shit your pants, sir?"

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812092 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:10

I think he just did actually.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5811986 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:02

*Sacrificed. Remember, grammer are important.

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5812058 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:43

What the shit, grammar is important*...

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812094 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:11

Sorry #25 but you can't say grammar is important and then fuck up the word grammar. That's just a douchebag move...

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5812102 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:21

He was being sarcastic, look how he used 'are'.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812153 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:15

I'm laughing my ass off at this FML. The actual one itself, and the comments. How do you guys not get that it was sarcasm?

Reply

Trym | 7

#5812202 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:05

Well, sorry for not beeing english, and typing in a hurry with an iPhone set to norwegian autocorrect, and then slipping on one letter. :)

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5812703 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:00

Go away grammar Nazi!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5811906 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:16

I think there is a country song about this. If not there should be.

By TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811928 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:22

"Have a shitty rest of the day, Miss!"

Reply

TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811955 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:33

I am ashamed of that comment

By ilovefall10 | 21

#5811937 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:26

OP, I know your pain. It's never fun having a upset stomach, and trust me,
I suffer from IBS, so it happens a lot.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#5811941 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:28

Everybody gets sick OP, no need to feel super embarrassed. I hope for your speedy recovery(:

By DeviOomaki | 9

#5811947 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:30

Hope you feel better soon OP

By bessiemay01 | 5

#5811950 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 23:31

Why would you keep going to the store? I'd turn around and dump the crap in the pot and hop in the shower.

Reply

honeymoonroyale | 20

#5812236 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:48

Lol yeah, I'm pretty sure there was a shower around lol