Work: Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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Proactive

Taking stock

Incognito browsing

By sad - United States

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

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By notevencatnipworks

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By Sundendako - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 20:02

AT&Twat

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML

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By daughter - Sweden - V?rg?rda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

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By .__. - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By the_pheasant66 - Ireland

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. When I got home to show my family, my little sister said, "That's so fake!" and tore it off my face. FML

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By toiletgirl - United States

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Mouse

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

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By Elephant1718 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

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By crunch time - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By Fresca11 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Iamlonesometonight

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By KeptMyHandsUp - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

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By Boo

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Batesville

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By fallsdownplenty45 - Taiwan

Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

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By - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Hillsboro

Smooth sailing

Today, I found out the man I've been wanting to marry for a year and a half wants us to take a break. FML

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By whyymee - United States

Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 14:02

Smash capitalism

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

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By embarrassedhubby - Canada

Today, when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. My boss and coworker were with me. I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

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By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By nightput - France

Today, I took my driving test. I spent 30 minutes with the handbrake on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By only 10 more hours to go - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

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By pansypup - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

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By blah. - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By not a dick-man - Canada - Victoria

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

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By Unistudent - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML

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Top comments

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

COMMENTS

By tanekdrachonae | 19

#5811892 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:11

Sorry about your shitty day OP.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812150 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:13

Welcome to FML, where this pun isn't even considered a pun anymore.

Reply

ohnowhyme123 | 15

#5812225 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:34

You must of had a crappy day!

Reply

JustinKirby | 20

#5812266 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 4:24

Didn't #1 just attempt that pun?

Reply

jolie21 | 18

#5812365 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 5:36

I just have to say what's on my mind. This reminded me of the buy more ^^ awesome show!

Reply

fksfsdhfsdfh | 26

#5812504 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 8:00

It's not going to work if it failed for the person before you!

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5814000 - Thursday 2 January 2014 14:03

No shitty jokes. Jeeze man.

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5811902 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

Tell the cashier to mind his own business and leave your shit alone.

Reply

\ | 28

#5811980 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:56

Hopefully, he got some laundry detergent with it.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5812911 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:13

the smell encompasses you

By yerbduebeenehe | 16

#5811904 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:15

"Care to explain why you've shit your pants, sir?"

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812092 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:10

I think he just did actually.

By Trym | 7

#5811905 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

Sounds like you should have sacrifised a sock!

Reply

dachayke | 16

#5811986 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:02

*Sacrificed. Remember, grammer are important.

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5812058 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 0:43

What the shit, grammar is important*...

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5812094 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:11

Sorry #25 but you can't say grammar is important and then fuck up the word grammar. That's just a douchebag move...

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5812102 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 1:21

He was being sarcastic, look how he used 'are'.

Reply

ThatFancyPenn | 18

#5812153 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 2:15

I'm laughing my ass off at this FML. The actual one itself, and the comments. How do you guys not get that it was sarcasm?

Reply

Trym | 7

#5812202 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:05

Well, sorry for not beeing english, and typing in a hurry with an iPhone set to norwegian autocorrect, and then slipping on one letter. :)

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5812703 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 13:00

Go away grammar Nazi!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5811906 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:16

I think there is a country song about this. If not there should be.

By TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811928 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:22

"Have a shitty rest of the day, Miss!"

Reply

TheRoyalDog | 10

#5811955 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:33

I am ashamed of that comment

By ilovefall10 | 21

#5811937 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:26

OP, I know your pain. It's never fun having a upset stomach, and trust me,
I suffer from IBS, so it happens a lot.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#5811941 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:28

Everybody gets sick OP, no need to feel super embarrassed. I hope for your speedy recovery(:

By DeviOomaki | 9

#5811947 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:30

Hope you feel better soon OP

By bessiemay01 | 5

#5811950 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 23:31

Why would you keep going to the store? I'd turn around and dump the crap in the pot and hop in the shower.

Reply

honeymoonroyale | 20

#5812236 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 3:48

Lol yeah, I'm pretty sure there was a shower around lol