By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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Season finale

BO Central

Taking stock

By Jakub89 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

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By carsuck - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By mystermoon

Stressed out

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By Sonic - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By HarleyDavison - United States - Harrisonville

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

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By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

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By blueballs - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Influencers

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

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By ljjprchf - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By retailshell - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

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By oh gee

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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By AllergicToRosesAndSingle

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with origami roses, as I am highly allergic to real ones. Her response? To scream at me and slam the door in my face. FML

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By Brie - United States

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By can’t nerd right - 4/8/2020 02:02

Insane parents

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my mom I was going swimming with friends. She told me, in front of them, not to go into the deep end unless there was an adult around because I'm not old enough to swim on my own. I'm 19. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Sneaky dad

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By Backinzi - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By whatashame - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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By absentmindedmoron - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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By Lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 11:01 - Canada - Ottawa

Laissez-faire capitalism

Today, my Facebook account is deactivated and I don't think they are going to give me my account balance of $855 on Marketplace. So, I'm out my items, shipping costs and the profit I would have made. Facebook Marketplace is a scam. I'm so depressed. FML

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By jadalaheart - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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By shalara - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was walking down the street, when I saw a guy in front of me trip and fall forwards, and I quickly jumped forward to steady him. Apparently he thought he was being mugged, and threw his head backwards into my face, leaving my nose a bloody mess. FML

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By tracie - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7941845 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 18:39

Diaries or Twilight fan-fiction?

How many cats do you own?

By Jonkbaby | 21

#7942200 - Friday 2 October 2020 13:07

haunted?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7941845 - Wednesday 30 September 2020 18:39

Diaries or Twilight fan-fiction?

How many cats do you own?

By noporn4u | 9

#7942064 - Thursday 1 October 2020 20:23

Red Shoe Diaries?

By Jonkbaby | 21

#7942200 - Friday 2 October 2020 13:07

haunted?