By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

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Triage

Out of the frying pan

Get the message, dude

By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By college student - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By nitrok

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Big brain bug

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By crystalpistol - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

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By paprikarulz - Australia

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

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By toriforever - United States

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

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By Anonycunt - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

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By Char - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, I walked downstairs with a couple of bags full of stuff, in preparation for a sleepover at my friend's house. My nine-year-old cousin looked at me and said, "Where're you going? Fat camp?" FML

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By Jmdezy - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

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By longlostkid556 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By tech_support - Sweden

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

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By nk - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

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By Dana - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By JD - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

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By Oh - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By Deirbhile - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By -_- - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML

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By lifesucksbigtimefuys - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend". Worst part? I said yes. FML

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By nicchick411 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Kensington

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

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By Scarred - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that someone left an open sharpie pen in the dryer. It left pen marks on everything inside of the dryer. Not just one or two pen marks, but nearly 1,000 on each article of clothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

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By Bathroom Problems - France

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

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By girl - United States

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

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By She totally did not cheat

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

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By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By eaa145 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By broke_otaku - United States

Caught

Today, my boyfriend asked me to sniff his armpit to see if he was the one who smelled. I did because we are that comfortable with us. After a couple of sniffs I heard laughter. I forgot I was sitting in his living room and his family was watching me the whole time. I am now the BO finder. FML

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Top comments

By sarsuela | 24

#7953299 - Friday 20 November 2020 19:48

This is FML for your neighbour. You should prevent these situations by training your dog.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7953237 - Friday 20 November 2020 14:39

When you say "dog," do you really mean "husband with an old-lady fetish?"

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7953237 - Friday 20 November 2020 14:39

When you say "dog," do you really mean "husband with an old-lady fetish?"

Reply

dasin | 17

#7953331 - Friday 20 November 2020 22:37

and apperently likes to take walk around on a leash, some kinky stuff going on

By sarsuela | 24

#7953299 - Friday 20 November 2020 19:48

This is FML for your neighbour. You should prevent these situations by training your dog.

By dasin | 17

#7953332 - Friday 20 November 2020 22:39

most excitement the old broad had in years! be glad you get and gave an awesome story