Intimacy: Yikes! - FML

Yikes!

By Anonymous - 31/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 115

You deserved it 7 210

Walk the line

Good boy

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

Thanks, "Bro"

By probably on death row soon - 25/12/2015 18:32 - United States - Winter Park

Today, my brother "pranked" me by dropping my new laptop out my bedroom window. He'd set up a saran wrap safety net below to catch my laptop safely, but he didn't secure it well enough. My laptop is completely fucked and he won't accept responsibility because he didn't mean to break it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 096

You deserved it 1 581

By DontGetSlapped - 18/02/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 433

You deserved it 2 506

Bad timing

By J…… - 12/05/2020 17:00

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 427

By Life of the party - 19/08/2009 05:13 - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 851

You deserved it 55 721

By Anonymous - 26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Spicy

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 391

You deserved it 5 447

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 442

You deserved it 56 761

Rookie mistake

By Lokimagnus - 25/03/2020 23:05

Today, I was working from home. I felt very sleepy, so I set my online status “Active” and went back to bed. I woke up to 3 missed calls from my boss and an email from him, containing a webcam screenshot of me asleep in bed. I totally forgot he has remote access to my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 2 807

By pamcakes - 09/07/2016 17:14

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 372

You deserved it 1 255

More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 143

By PairOfSocks - 17/10/2016 20:55 - Finland - Tampere

Today, one of my friends bought a wedding dress for her upcoming wedding. My other friend intends to propose to her boyfriend and ordered rings. I too made a purchase: a pair of socks for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 901

You deserved it 1 228

By Anonymous - 20/07/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 687

You deserved it 7 799

The whole package

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 16:59

Today, I discovered my husband has a secret Facebook where he is a member of many step dad support groups. I thought it was sweet he was asking for advice, until I read some of what he posted. It was purely ranting about how much he hates my kids to other dads, who also hate their step kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 205

By shouldbehappyiguess - 11/07/2013 06:20 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 009

You deserved it 3 895

By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 076

You deserved it 2 604

By the hated - 09/07/2013 02:02 - United States - Absecon

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 830

You deserved it 5 434

Catfished

By phonesage - 13/12/2010 20:29 - United States

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 584

You deserved it 10 428

By Anonymous - 20/09/2014 15:03 - United States - Chelan

Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 421

You deserved it 5 311

By yeueid - 31/03/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 446

You deserved it 1 722

By anon - 09/07/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 158

You deserved it 7 395

By lolatmylovelife - 11/06/2015 20:51 - United States - Del Valle

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband going down on another woman. Instead of speaking, he looked at me, got up, and slammed the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 928

You deserved it 3 148

Bosom buddies

By Lennie Mcfish - 06/07/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, while caring for my drunk girlfriend, she confessed that she cheated on me 3 different times with my sister. Now I know why they are always spending time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 948

You deserved it 152

By Shantoya - 17/01/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 805

You deserved it 2 937

By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 993

You deserved it 2 512

By helpless_soul - 29/08/2011 04:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 014

You deserved it 50 424

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 276

You deserved it 7 583

His house, his asshole

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 84

By datgirl92 - 24/05/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 160

You deserved it 19 625

By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 194

You deserved it 3 858

By stoych - 08/10/2012 07:14 - United Kingdom

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 013

You deserved it 5 928

By STIdiot - 17/10/2011 12:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 608

You deserved it 3 661

Go deep

By Anonymous - 28/03/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Spicy

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 056

You deserved it 16 946

By ihateeverything - 14/01/2015 17:35 - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 430

You deserved it 8 423

Book club gone wild!

By TheWriter - 01/09/2017 04:30

Spicy

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 346

You deserved it 1 424

By Anonymous - 16/05/2016 00:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 959

You deserved it 3 621

Says something about you, probably

By Amanda Howard - 27/04/2020 02:00

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 12/04/2016 15:44 - United States - Ridley Park

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 303

You deserved it 7 697

By Why son, why? - 20/03/2013 11:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 595

You deserved it 6 764

We are legion

By Lennie Mcfish - 26/09/2019 20:01

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 536

By IMadeAHandicappedPersonCry - 13/02/2013 04:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was walking to my dorm room while it was snowing heavily. I saw a girl in a wheelchair trying to get up a slippery incline. Being a good person, I asked to help. I'm a pretty weak guy, and I couldn't push her up. She wheeled away crying because she thought she was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 789

You deserved it 6 109

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 680

You deserved it 6 748

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:05

Awkward... o_o

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:05

Need to chew your boyfriend out for that...

Comments

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:05

Awkward... o_o

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

yeah that's creepy

epr 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:38

interesting conversation.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:56

I agree, regardless of whether the OP's boyfriend talks to this dad about that, it's very inappropriate and rude for him to say that. FYL OP.

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:03

overshare between him and his dad lol

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:04

stop having sex in his basement then

70candycane07 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:06

i agree with #1

05559 1

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:11

Lol who told him that in the first place?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:28

wow, you shpuld said you heard he had erectile disfunction... maybee.... idk thats soooooo disturbing that he would say that, fyl

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:16

the dad was confident in his statement. she made it akward by thinking it was akward :P

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 15:26

how is this an fml?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 15:34

YDI for being a screamer :D

Bag3l 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:08

YDI for having sex in his living room.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:55

i LOL'D

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:21

one of my gfs in college, when I met her dad for the first time, he grilled me for over an hour on every detail about my dads death when I was sixteen. he thought the story was fascinating. what a dousche fyl for sure

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:26

yea like that's not weird at all.....dads a stalker!!!!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:56

Number 14, are YOU a screamer?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:30

SUE HIM!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 19:06

im guessin how this ended...

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 19:40

lol yup she proved him wrong

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 19:50

sounds like a porno.

z620 0

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 3:57

hahaha that is an awesome dad

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 5:27

3-way? always a good idea. one he'll of a conversation. huh?

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 14:54

O,O Holy shit...

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Sunday 5 September 2010 5:00

i bet ur bf and his dad are realllllllyy close

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:05

shouldn't scream then

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:06

like she can help it. He may be that good, it causes her to explode in enjoyment. Just because you haven't made anyone scream.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 16:44

I do. Don't judge me!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:14

Squirt is such an unpleasant word. *Shutters

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:45

Alsjdfasdfsakslfja! *Shudders. I haven't slept.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 21:07

61, there's nothing wrong with letting out a few drops when you laugh...if its a good laugh.

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Wednesday 1 September 2010 0:33

Comment disappeared... Anyway, does anyone remember those Whoopi Goldberg "Poise" ads? I just thought of those.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:05

Need to chew your boyfriend out for that...

johnnydudeman 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:11

Lol CHEW and EAT are much the same...nvm

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 17:04

I'm pretty sure by chew he means to yell

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:16

All this girl did was read a past fml and posted the comment then the comment everyone liked she took and used it -.- Fyl for not being original

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 20:26

me?

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 21:24

84- I think they meant op but I'm not sure

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 21:52

lol I'm so confused

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:19

At least you know you have his approval! YDI for thinking it's a FML. You could defecate in their sink and the father would just brush it off like nothing.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:20

You responded by saying, "Want to find out?" right?

TheComputerGuy96 14

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:29

Epic win!

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 13:05

5, I like you 

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:03

I hate you.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 14:37

dw #24 she's not worth it . I can smell er pungeont , rotten fish pussy from miles away ...

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 15:42

Pungeont? Are you making up words?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:03

hahaha ! funny conversation.

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:27

gross! people can be so classless

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:29

haha

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:31

Well did you say yes?

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:31

hahshahahahaha sounds like he wants to go for a test run and hear it for himself.

babbycakes101 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 12:33

awk. that is is so awkward.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 136

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 87