Work: Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school... - FML

By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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Boom, headshot

Clocked

On yer bike

By disembob - United Kingdom

Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

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By adamclmns - United States

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By SN MetalMilitia - 3/11/2020 05:02

Make believe

Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML

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By Clumsy - United States

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and busted my head on the floor. FML

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By Potty-Pot

Today, my flatmate took his hour plus long shower while we both tried to get ready for work. I had a choice to wet myself or pee in a cooking pot. I chose the pot. FML

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By blackvogue - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 05:02

#1 Dad of the day

Today, according to my husband, our son is at the difficult age where he can finally speak fluent English, but is still too childishly dumb to say anything interesting, intelligent or frankly worth listening to at all. There are times I wish I was a divorced single mum. FML

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By extrashiftwhoo - Australia - Preston

Today, I really didn't want to go to work. Still, I showed up for work early on the busiest night of the week and stayed back until past 10 p.m. Exhausted, I went to sign off the roster when I realised that, in fact, I was not rostered on for today at all. I'm on tomorrow, though. FML

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By stubblebutt - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By jswag2004 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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By surefeelslikelove

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By Macy - Italy

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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By GDBeast - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By Aaron Lewis - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By ugh - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By sleepy momma - United States - Altoona

Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering. FML

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By Seline

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By no name - United States - Gaylord

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

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By Derek Wheeler - 6/12/2020 08:00 - United States - Longview

The Walking Dead

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

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By ajnmegs - United States - Aurora

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

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By myleghurts - Australia - Strathfield

Today, on my way to school, I was shouted at by an obnoxious businessman for sitting down on the train when a "full fare paying passenger" was standing. I would normally have given him the seat straight away, except I have a broken leg. I showed him my leg and crutches. He still made me get up. FML

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By DevilsTemptation - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By MommyProblems - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

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By eewww - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

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By oops - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

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By timmynotjimmy - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6106205 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:21

1, you don't know the principle was a man or woman. Don't assume.

But OP I'm sorry, obviously it didn't bother the pregnant teacher. Detention sucks. At least it was a fun night up until that moment...principles tend to be jerks.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106218 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:30

I will assume all I want. It was a joke. I could make it she was jealous that she couldn't be the one pregnant . It's my prerogative. Oh and by the way I didn't know your principles had a sex, only principals...

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6106249 - Saturday 1 November 2014 7:19

#1 eenie meanie minie moe

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6106494 - Saturday 1 November 2014 14:04

You're getting pretty defensive there, ain't cha, 12?

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106545 - Saturday 1 November 2014 15:29

Nope just opinionated .

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#6106276 - Saturday 1 November 2014 8:53

I can only imagine the outrage if those stitches were legitimate

By malea_17 | 16

#6106190 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

I think the principle was uncomfortable

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#6106193 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

I think the principal was uncomfortable too.

By Cookiee04 | 15

#6106192 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

she used that selfie against you

Reply

diving_fml | 30

#6106605 - Saturday 1 November 2014 16:34

that's why you don't take pictures when your committing a crime....or ditching work then posting it on FB when your boss is your friend.

By flufee2 | 27

#6106196 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:17

They sound like that very serious type person.. Your principal gotta chill out

By kpetrovski | 24

#6106197 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:18

You could have said you were Harvey from Sabrina the Teenage Witch! There was an episode where a backfired spell made him pregnant.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6106329 - Saturday 1 November 2014 10:21

Ah, the Rumour Mill… seeing all those rumours be true was funny!

By WCARlover | 34

#6106202 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:20

Principals with no sense of humor are the worst. There's a difference between being stern and being a dick.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6106207 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:22

Wow, maybe have the teacher explain. My brother got away with a condom costume his senior year. Even the football coach said "You know. I'm glad you're wearing that. Maybe some kids in this school might pick up on what that is."

By buttersmom | 14

#6106211 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:27

Maybe your principal was dressed as a raging asshole for Halloween.

By Enslaved | 36

#6106223 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:33

Set up your own "Breakfast Club".
Close the door to get the prom queen impregnated.