Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school... - FML

By anonymous - 31/10/2014 23:28 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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Abuse

You snooze, you lose

Peaky Bladders

By awkwardd - 19/5/2011 12:51 - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

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By groundedasfuck - 24/5/2014 20:24 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

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By PubelishedAuthor - 15/3/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. FML

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By mrb72 - 3/2/2009 10:48 - United States

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

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By dirtythief - 18/7/2013 16:01 - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

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By - 14/6/2020 02:02

Risky business

Today, I went to get insurance and I have a non-fault third party claim and yet my insurance has gone up. I wasn't even in the car when someone hit it. Why have I got penalised? They claim I'm now "statistically more likely to get in an accident." My car was parked. FML

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By Oopsie - 28/7/2015 17:18 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, a revolving door got the better of me. I made it into the crowded lobby, unlike my skirt. Bad day to wear a thong. FML

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By flatchested Sam - 1/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

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By News-print Face Kate - 18/7/2012 16:37 - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

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By the bleeder - 13/5/2016 05:05

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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By jaeilssanguh - 26/11/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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By fatgirl - 16/5/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

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By Painful - 5/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By SlothyMolly - 6/3/2013 17:19 - United States

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

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By unknown - 9/11/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

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By ProneToBlondeMoments - 5/10/2009 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

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By Nicholasand - 23/11/2009 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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By heartbrokenhaley - 23/1/2014 20:57 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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By PeterRabit - 25/7/2009 15:11 - Canada

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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By thatgirl - 10/10/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

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By pimplesapparently - 18/2/2016 20:17 - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By verysadasian - 30/7/2009 14:21 - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

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By BahHumbug - 27/12/2016 05:18 - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

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By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

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By Ashley Marshburn - 17/10/2010 13:55 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

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By poolfail - 6/8/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 21:05 - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By zippersaremoreimportantthansentiments - 1/2/2014 08:11 - United States - Montgomery

Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By sllaggy - 18/4/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Warren

Grandpa's got game

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

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By CSPKrissi - 4/4/2017 04:00

Today, we got a new window washer in my office : a three-year-old, who decided the best tool for the job was his tongue. I'm the only one in the office willing to touch a bottle of glass cleaner. FML

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By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By sexaddict - 7/1/2009 08:16 - France

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML

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By xloverin - 14/11/2015 16:23 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6106205 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:21

1, you don't know the principle was a man or woman. Don't assume.

But OP I'm sorry, obviously it didn't bother the pregnant teacher. Detention sucks. At least it was a fun night up until that moment...principles tend to be jerks.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106218 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:30

I will assume all I want. It was a joke. I could make it she was jealous that she couldn't be the one pregnant . It's my prerogative. Oh and by the way I didn't know your principles had a sex, only principals...

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6106249 - Saturday 1 November 2014 7:19

#1 eenie meanie minie moe

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6106494 - Saturday 1 November 2014 14:04

You're getting pretty defensive there, ain't cha, 12?

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106545 - Saturday 1 November 2014 15:29

Nope just opinionated .

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#6106276 - Saturday 1 November 2014 8:53

I can only imagine the outrage if those stitches were legitimate

By malea_17 | 16

#6106190 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

I think the principle was uncomfortable

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#6106193 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

I think the principal was uncomfortable too.

By Cookiee04 | 15

#6106192 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

she used that selfie against you

Reply

diving_fml | 30

#6106605 - Saturday 1 November 2014 16:34

that's why you don't take pictures when your committing a crime....or ditching work then posting it on FB when your boss is your friend.

By flufee2 | 27

#6106196 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:17

They sound like that very serious type person.. Your principal gotta chill out

By kpetrovski | 24

#6106197 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:18

You could have said you were Harvey from Sabrina the Teenage Witch! There was an episode where a backfired spell made him pregnant.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6106329 - Saturday 1 November 2014 10:21

Ah, the Rumour Mill… seeing all those rumours be true was funny!

By WCARlover | 34

#6106202 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:20

Principals with no sense of humor are the worst. There's a difference between being stern and being a dick.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6106207 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:22

Wow, maybe have the teacher explain. My brother got away with a condom costume his senior year. Even the football coach said "You know. I'm glad you're wearing that. Maybe some kids in this school might pick up on what that is."

By buttersmom | 14

#6106211 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:27

Maybe your principal was dressed as a raging asshole for Halloween.

By Enslaved | 36

#6106223 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:33

Set up your own "Breakfast Club".
Close the door to get the prom queen impregnated.