Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school... - FML

By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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Dangling modifier

Healthy relationship

Toxic people

By aurora320 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

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By rejectedprobably - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Rita - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML

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By shanti

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By Hairball - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By sam - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

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By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Money management

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By doomed - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

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By Triedtobecool - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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By Chef stupid - United States - Houston

Today, while working at a fine-dining restaurant, I was dicing veggies. I was paying such close attention to make sure the veggies were all the same size, that I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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By wallamanut - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By unknown - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

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By devilboy - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By nycplywood - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By Tjop - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

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By you fucking idiot - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

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By notgoodenough - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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By our kids will be derps - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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By chunkymonkey

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

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By makayta - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

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By Momlovesme - United States

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By Recovering Alcoholic - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, half of my motivation to stop drinking is so that my tolerance will go down, because I currently can't actually afford enough alcohol to get even tipsy anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing rugby. I was tackled very hard at the end of a play, and I got up to find my head bleeding profusely. Not one person offered to drive me to the ER. I had to drive myself to get six stitches in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By HarleyGirl - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By MikeA

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6106187 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

The principal was just jealous you didn't have his baby. Or he's mad that the teacher is having his. Take your pick.

Reply

jake_braves | 25

#6106205 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:21

1, you don't know the principle was a man or woman. Don't assume.

But OP I'm sorry, obviously it didn't bother the pregnant teacher. Detention sucks. At least it was a fun night up until that moment...principles tend to be jerks.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106218 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:30

I will assume all I want. It was a joke. I could make it she was jealous that she couldn't be the one pregnant . It's my prerogative. Oh and by the way I didn't know your principles had a sex, only principals...

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6106249 - Saturday 1 November 2014 7:19

#1 eenie meanie minie moe

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6106494 - Saturday 1 November 2014 14:04

You're getting pretty defensive there, ain't cha, 12?

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106545 - Saturday 1 November 2014 15:29

Nope just opinionated .

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#6106188 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

It's okay. I was almost kicked out of school for a few stitches drawn on my face.

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#6106276 - Saturday 1 November 2014 8:53

I can only imagine the outrage if those stitches were legitimate

By malea_17 | 16

#6106190 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:15

I think the principle was uncomfortable

Reply

Steve95401 | 49

#6106193 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

I think the principal was uncomfortable too.

By Cookiee04 | 15

#6106192 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:16

she used that selfie against you

Reply

diving_fml | 30

#6106605 - Saturday 1 November 2014 16:34

that's why you don't take pictures when your committing a crime....or ditching work then posting it on FB when your boss is your friend.

By flufee2 | 27

#6106196 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:17

They sound like that very serious type person.. Your principal gotta chill out

By kpetrovski | 24

#6106197 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:18

You could have said you were Harvey from Sabrina the Teenage Witch! There was an episode where a backfired spell made him pregnant.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6106329 - Saturday 1 November 2014 10:21

Ah, the Rumour Mill… seeing all those rumours be true was funny!

By WCARlover | 34

#6106202 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:20

Principals with no sense of humor are the worst. There's a difference between being stern and being a dick.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6106207 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:22

Wow, maybe have the teacher explain. My brother got away with a condom costume his senior year. Even the football coach said "You know. I'm glad you're wearing that. Maybe some kids in this school might pick up on what that is."

By buttersmom | 14

#6106211 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:27

Maybe your principal was dressed as a raging asshole for Halloween.

By Enslaved | 36

#6106223 - Saturday 1 November 2014 6:33

Set up your own "Breakfast Club".
Close the door to get the prom queen impregnated.