Kids: Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger...

By notsoproudfather - India - Pune

Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML

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Kids

Proactive

Serious times

Clean break

By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By steve - United States

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

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By mrsfantastic - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

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By thunder thighs - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By alexa - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By DiiiDiiine - France - Limoges

Today, I cut myself pretty badly with a knife. I was bleeding quite a lot, so I yelled to my husband to bring me some kitchen roll, along with the first aid kit. He rushed in with the roll… to clean the floor. FML

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By lprocter1982 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Bank

Today, my dad and I got into an argument. When I was proven wrong, he said, "Good job, genius." I shot back the first thing that popped into my head, which was "I am not a genius!" He laughed and says that if I die before him, he's having that engraved on my tombstone. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

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By nick - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

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By epictothemax - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By nothungry - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By :( - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By whytoday

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

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By are you kidding me - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By shrek - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By volleyballgirl - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By fuck no! - 19/4/2020 23:00

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

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By Eisenhorn - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

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By MerryDeathmas - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

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By mandythepandy

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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1777

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

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By washed - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By isthisajoke - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By PCJJacket - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

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By koolkat9 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By TheLibrarian

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

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By tired individual - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

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Top comments

By A07 | 48

#6526025 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:42

A good way to discourage him would be to spray chilli sauce on his hand when he's not looking, then sit back and enjoy the ensuring shitstorm.

By A07 | 48

#6526022 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:41

How old is your son exactly?

COMMENTS

By A07 | 48

#6526022 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:41

How old is your son exactly?

ThatLastKid | 21

#6526112 - Monday 1 February 2016 21:29

Both top comment spots. I haven't seen that before.

A07 | 48

#6526122 - Monday 1 February 2016 21:53

31 search "herpes" on fml, and read the fml about the yeast infection

By Psycocharger | 19

#6526024 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:41

That's... Different. FYL OP

By A07 | 48

#6526025 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:42

A good way to discourage him would be to spray chilli sauce on his hand when he's not looking, then sit back and enjoy the ensuring shitstorm.

supr_sexy | 9

#6526041 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:52

that's evil...
.
.
.
but funny.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6526048 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:56

You need to calm down, Satan.

lone_ninja | 16

#6526339 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 4:15

Hehe... Puns.

Silver7827 | 14

#6526356 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 4:47

How do you "not notice" someone doing something to your hand?

toasted1 | 13

#6526503 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 9:33

that might be criminal.... plausible borderline Child Abuse even.....remember, if you wouldn't want it done to you.

sureshadow | 23

#6526857 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 20:31

You do it to someone else.

By Randomouse | 11

#6526026 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:42

That's some shitty habit..

Ramb0 | 20

#6526064 - Monday 1 February 2016 20:12

what a shitty pun

ismedrage | 17

#6526268 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 1:14

How dare you, we cant have puns on a comedy app!!!

JKPwnage | 25

#6526279 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 1:29

And there it is

By vonvaski | 18

#6526027 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:42

Purity is a rarity

By SK8WITME | 19

#6526028 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:44

I don't care if I'm getting down voted for being negative here but that's fucking disgusting

kafka13 | 9

#6526040 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:51

i agree, that made me sick

Icefire9461 | 7

#6526223 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 0:03

as he gets +50 votes lol but I'm with you!

By hayleyb2492 | 8

#6526029 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:44

this made me LOL

By WretchedOwls | 11

#6526030 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:44

Well.. you know what fat bastard said everybody likes their own brand.

By firefighter925 | 18

#6526032 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:46

Actually if he could get something up to his colon, that's the purest form.

By anyagrande | 31

#6526034 - Monday 1 February 2016 19:46

What the fuck did i just read