By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 22:01

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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This is us

Long story short

You snooze, you lose

By Safe - 17/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

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By Singleagain - 19/4/2016 12:01 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part) - Philipsburg

Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By Samantha - 25/12/2018 02:00

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By brooklyn0118 - 12/9/2018 15:00

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

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By whereismyring - 28/3/2016 00:47 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

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By belle_arina - 8/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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By lextoast - 26/7/2015 18:15 - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 20:00

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By sleepy - 1/7/2019 02:10

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

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By BugDTV - 27/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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By post it - 31/3/2015 03:27 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML

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By - 5/4/2019 04:00

Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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By lawman - 15/8/2013 13:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found my 5-year-old son prancing around in high heels and cat ears, wearing a thong as a necklace, and waving a riding crop around like a sword. He'd found the box where granny keeps her special outfits that make granddad extra happy on Friday nights. FML

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By NoScrubs - 31/10/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By ShellShocked - 30/3/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

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By sickofit - 31/12/2016 08:24 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 10:39 - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By ILTali - 3/3/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 20:00

So special

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

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1739

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By strayy - 30/9/2015 06:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By Amber - 10/1/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I realized why my bathroom has been smelling so bad. My 10-year-old son has been peeing on the radiator, thinking it's fun to watch it steam and sizzle. FML

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By Ryuuchild666 - 1/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

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By frankrizzo - 1/2/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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By Nissan_David - 18/1/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

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By Youdontneed2knowmyname - 5/2/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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11833

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By Weirdo - 30/12/2013 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By Alex - 29/5/2017 16:00

Today my brother, instead of filming me during my very first musical presentation in New York, took 45 pictures of the sexy trumpeter that was two rows behind me. With MY camera. FML

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By Blah - 2/8/2018 05:00

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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3397

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By NeverCampingAgain - 15/2/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By 123_omg - 15/1/2019 14:00

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

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Top comments

By mrsstimmer | 13

#7850160 - Thursday 10 October 2019 22:47

Thats your body preventing you from doing something stupid and unhealthy! Good on you for trying to get to a healthy bodyweight (if that is what you are doing) but please seek help of dietary specialist instead of messing with your gut. There is no quick and dirty way to losing weight unfortunately

By SquirrelRulingtheWorld | 6

#7850197 - Friday 11 October 2019 3:26

Yeah, there’s no such thing as a “20 minute colon cleanse” and a colon cleanse of any kind is not for weight loss. You did this to yourself.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7850152 - Thursday 10 October 2019 22:26

Hey, at least you're losing weight!

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7850212 - Friday 11 October 2019 5:47

A shitload of it.

By mrsstimmer | 13

#7850160 - Thursday 10 October 2019 22:47

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7850175 - Friday 11 October 2019 0:17

You really should read reviews prior to taking anything. Those are known for all day toilet visitations...

Sady_Ct | 36

#7850182 - Friday 11 October 2019 1:37

Most reviews are doctored online crap. You see hundreds of almost verbatim amazing reviews in a product and maybe one or two bad ones. Then you buy the product and go WTAF?