Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's...

By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1311

You deserved it

660

Favorite

Boozehound

Who's a good boy?

Headache

By Sniffles - 26/4/2014 12:28 - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63298

You deserved it

30232

Favorite

By Idle_Twin - 17/5/2015 17:53 - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14895

You deserved it

33161

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 03:17 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48759

You deserved it

7808

Favorite

By shamed - 5/11/2011 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36015

You deserved it

3326

Favorite

By seriously? - 23/8/2013 07:40

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48738

You deserved it

10484

Favorite

By Noname - 1/2/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, my fiancée "thought I should know" that she has a $125,000 student loan debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39262

You deserved it

4715

Favorite

By now what - 23/2/2015 23:52 - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33966

You deserved it

4812

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:34 - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31145

You deserved it

2758

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60683

You deserved it

4752

Favorite

By Kat - 17/9/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39116

You deserved it

3313

Favorite

By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25542

You deserved it

14168

Favorite

By Missy - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42783

You deserved it

4588

Favorite

By PartyPooped - 11/9/2017 13:00

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3742

You deserved it

308

Favorite

By shitpile - 6/8/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41330

You deserved it

4024

Favorite

By Crashed - 1/1/2014 18:21 - United States - Evans

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60293

You deserved it

5315

Favorite

By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58375

You deserved it

15385

Favorite

By FangirlMess6 - 24/3/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3720

You deserved it

304

Favorite

By FamilyLoving - 19/8/2013 16:00 - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44967

You deserved it

3796

Favorite

By Dante - 30/11/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33897

You deserved it

2657

Favorite

By Caqtusmonkey - 25/8/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13677

You deserved it

1772

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 18:50 - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33709

You deserved it

3418

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13291

You deserved it

788

Favorite

By BigFoot - 29/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45908

You deserved it

20274

Favorite

By Beeisc00l - 5/10/2011 18:58 - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30496

You deserved it

22406

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/1/2014 01:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48046

You deserved it

5455

Favorite

By pink_cupcakes - 15/8/2009 10:22 - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51727

You deserved it

4750

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:06 - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20122

You deserved it

3117

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1211

You deserved it

452

Favorite

By PseudoHappiness - 18/7/2016 00:16 - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12527

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1333

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/3/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37427

You deserved it

6301

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 13:31 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34232

You deserved it

2764

Favorite

By Not really - 19/7/2018 15:00

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3237

You deserved it

951

Favorite

By trembelwick - 3/12/2011 10:04 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38574

You deserved it

6007

Favorite

By ozzy - 6/11/2016 09:18 - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9769

You deserved it

1114

Favorite

By twingirl - 14/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, my grandma went to get birthday gifts for my twin sister and me. She returned with 2 shirts that read "I see you've met the twins" in big letters across the chest. She gave them to us and said, "Isn't this cute? 'cause you're twins!" I then had to explain to her what the shirt was actually referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51643

You deserved it

4122

Favorite

By upsetandunjustified - 4/11/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26730

You deserved it

6326

Favorite

By Lonesome - 1/1/2014 06:41 - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54260

You deserved it

13007

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 12:19 - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29344

You deserved it

4284

Favorite

By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30079

You deserved it

2728

Favorite

By zombieguyswife - 28/6/2012 23:44 - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24967

You deserved it

3956

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By iamnuff | 11

#7829827 - Friday 9 August 2019 2:19

Do you remember getting drunk? If not, you might have been drugged.

By Wadlaen | 17

#7829853 - Friday 9 August 2019 4:29

So, I'm guessing the sobriety is over..?

Comments

By iamnuff | 11

#7829827 - Friday 9 August 2019 2:19

Do you remember getting drunk? If not, you might have been drugged.

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7829846 - Friday 9 August 2019 3:20

I guess your period of sobriety starts over 😂 I do feel a little sorry for your lack of memory though - maybe you had fun.

By Wadlaen | 17

#7829853 - Friday 9 August 2019 4:29

So, I'm guessing the sobriety is over..?

By NPDclusterBaware | 8

#7829883 - Friday 9 August 2019 7:55

Oof

By bobsanction | 16

#7830345 - Saturday 10 August 2019 21:51

You got drugged bud. Probably best to avoid her for your own safety.