Miscellaneous: Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

07/08/2012 18:04

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 115

You deserved it 2 325

And today, on Dr Phil…

Hiding from the drama

Gamers rise up

Paternity test before the rest

By Anonymous - 26/01/2021 23:01

Today, after always laughing when my mom told me to avoid dating any guy with green eyes and thinking it was some weird prejudice, she told me the truth. My father cheated and had at least six other kids. They all have green eyes and look alike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 47

30/05/2015 03:07

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 527

You deserved it 2 109

16/08/2012 15:16

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 264

You deserved it 7 051

Fire!

By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 125

03/06/2015 17:36

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 749

You deserved it 5 786

No kidding

By huh? - 23/06/2020 05:02

Today, I was ecstatic that the pregnancy test I took was negative. I went to high five my boyfriend as I told him the good news. Apparently, it’s monstrous, unladylike and weird for a woman to not want children. When I pointed out he doesn’t want kids either, he said, "That’s normal for guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 159

You deserved it 197

23/01/2015 18:09

Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 544

You deserved it 3 205

Empathy

By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 861

You deserved it 261

19/12/2016 02:13

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 593

You deserved it 684

09/09/2013 06:15

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 979

You deserved it 5 940

Red flags popping up all over the place

By Jackie - 01/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that his best friend of 10 years is giving him the silent treatment because he told her he's in a relationship. He's become a depressed wreck. When I asked him if he's secretly in love with her or something, he flipped a table over and told me to, "mind my own fucking business." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 590

You deserved it 116

08/12/2013 16:49

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 665

You deserved it 4 108

24/07/2009 10:01

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 978

You deserved it 4 674

24/10/2009 14:58

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 266

You deserved it 7 557

25/01/2015 03:26

Spicy

Today, my mom came into my room to yell at me because she thought she heard me having sex, saying I'm too young for it. I'm 23 and I wasn't having sex. The noises were from my dad watching porn in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 149

You deserved it 2 955

10/06/2011 05:01

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 230

You deserved it 8 903

02/05/2019 02:00

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 960

You deserved it 259

27/03/2015 08:38

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 936

You deserved it 7 929

01/11/2015 18:22

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 368

You deserved it 2 337

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

By faul - 26/09/2020 05:02

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 149

09/07/2016 02:57

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 172

You deserved it 2 735

10/06/2012 04:19

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 790

You deserved it 3 781

14/11/2016 06:52

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 149

You deserved it 3 046

18/08/2011 10:02

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 699

You deserved it 3 470

13/10/2011 07:19

Spicy

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 017

You deserved it 10 020

07/03/2009 10:13

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 169

You deserved it 12 015

Nutshot

By DanJames24 - 10/06/2021 21:01

Today, a work colleague was trying to kill a fly that was buzzing around the place. I was about to go on my break, but was stopped because she missed the fly and accidentally whacked me in the balls in the process. By the time I didn’t feel sick anymore, my break was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 62

16/02/2010 11:51

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 496

You deserved it 2 692

07/01/2015 00:26

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 470

You deserved it 4 272

18/06/2009 05:10

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 870

You deserved it 5 921

Strange kind of porn

By Jeanine - 13/05/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, I had to admit to myself that recently my biggest kink was watching Sam Seder debate libertarians. My oh my, watching him dunk on them on YouTube gets me hot and bothered. This feels wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 697

30/04/2014 22:25

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 652

You deserved it 4 215

16/07/2012 20:51

Today, my boyfriend picked me up and spun me around like they do in the movies, but not before grimacing, taking a deep breath, and muttering "one, two, three... and... uuuppp!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 100

You deserved it 5 727

12/08/2013 20:04

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 949

You deserved it 4 451

04/04/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 966

You deserved it 152

18/04/2013 04:01

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 343

You deserved it 4 916

07/09/2018 23:30

Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 613

You deserved it 234

06/07/2009 04:03

Today, I was snuggling in bed with my girlfriend. She was depressed, so I complimented her strong legs, saying they were "like a horse." I spent the next hour and a half trying to stop her crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 466

You deserved it 77 622

False alarm

By sillyrabbit - 24/02/2009 04:29

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 46 339

04/06/2009 00:12

Today, on my airplane ride home, the woman next to me wasn't feeling too well. She pulled out the air sickness bag to throw up into and missed. Her vomit splattered all over the seat in front of her and all over me. We were both covered in puke. And that was only my first of two flights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 783

You deserved it 2 236

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Top comments

Helloilike_lacro 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:57

You, like a shit, just needed to get out of her

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:58

Ah, asshole relatives... Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Comments

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:54

Ouch. That sucks. Your mother must reapply love you. Sorry OP.

Pretty_Pink_Lady 10

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:06

Glad my mom doesn't reapply love me.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:11

23) you look fucking delicious. *CHOMP*

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:16

He is an apple...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:29

Red Delicious are the best apples around. Not pink lady.

anythingmustbe 18

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:29

38 Yes and? Apples are tasty as fuck bro

anythingmustbe 18

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:31

Its to remind her no matter how constipated she is it will never be as bad as giving birth

featherygoose 9

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:58

Pooping is like giving birth for men.

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:24

Maybe she was implying the sight of OP relaxed her. I for one feel pretty relieved after taking a shit.

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:23

38... There was no mention of apples... The word is reAPPLY... As in, maybe you can apply this new knowledge to future communications.

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:29

83- #38 was referring to the comment that #31 made about eating the user with an apple picture. 38 didn't really get the joke I suppose.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:32

:-( but they are!

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 13:32

So 83 tries SO hard to be smart and bitch someone out thinking "Awww ya im going to tell this kid off and get so many upvotes". But is completely oblivious to the fact that she is about to make a fool of herself because she has no idea what's going on. I find that hilarious.

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:54

Awhh, at least she thinks of you

Popcornography 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:02

Yeah, not that great to be thought of in that way :/

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:55

I don't give a shit this fml isn't bad. The mother was probably just making a rude joke.

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 6:09

I thought it was funny

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 22:51

Extreme example, but if I wanted to kill you, wouldn't I be thinking of you too?

Popcornography 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:55

Ah well, OP. Shit happens.

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:59

Sigh* here comes all the shitty puns...

Popcornography 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:01

D: I've been reading comments for long enough now to know that sort of pun would get me buried. My most humble apologies. *bows*

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:08

... Mmm, popcorn. *noms on 3*

Popcornography 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:12

Eww, leave me alone you drug-addicted chipmunk :(

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:14

What bitch? *noms more* :P

swankmrpancake 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:16

What a crappy way to die, having your face eaten off by a chipmunk high on bath salts.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:19

IM NOT HIGH ON BATH SALTS.

swankmrpancake 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:28

Ahhhh don't eat my face!!!!!!!

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 0:31

I'll eat all of you bitches! I'm a rich ass raptor!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:53

Bitch please. I'm a poor ass chipmunk.

Inediblepeaches 15

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:20

This has to be the funniest thing I've ever read on FML.....

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:32

Squeaky...you must really have the munchies. First the apple then the popcorn. Wanna share?!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 3:19

NO. FUCK NO. ... Unless you haz some nuts. And not the perverted kind. :L

thrAsHeRr9081 16

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:56

I shit you not, you're my favorite turd.

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:56

Ooh that's nasty.

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:11

Read that in cleveland browns voice :p

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:16

I read it in that one lady's voice from that lemonade song. :c the one with the horse and the universe.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:23

Look at my horse. My horse is amazing. Give it a lick...

False_Stupidity 41

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Thursday 9 August 2012 10:38

I read it in my voice... 'cause i've only got one :(

Axelo 11

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:56

I wish I had mom like yours....

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:57

You want a mom that thinks of shit whenever she sees you?

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Friday 10 August 2012 5:54

Hey Axelo your cute lol. ;D

Helloilike_lacro 8

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:57

You, like a shit, just needed to get out of her

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 4:12

Congratulations, you have the first non down-voted comment on this FML!

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 15:02

Brace yourselves, more poop related fmls will lead to shitty situation puns.

DracoSpirita 21

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:57

At least you know she'll never have any bowel issues.

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Thursday 9 August 2012 21:55

First of all... Love this pic so true and also hahaha

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:58

Ah, asshole relatives... Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:25

Well you could kill them, that is if you don't mind lethal injections or a life time of sodomy. By the way I love your profile name haha.

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 0:16

Your reply kind of killed the joke, no offense

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 0:34

SssssssssssssSSSSS *BOOM* Damn it, not again...

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 3:07

47- Thanks

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 3:58

Unlike all the other assholes we kill daily...

superhumangambit 4

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:58

Lol you're equivalent to a laxative.