Miscellaneous: Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By seaweedlady - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By irishbubble - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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By Username

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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1886

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 05:02

The I in LGBTQA+

Today, like every day, I'm an intersex woman. I can't orgasm, have no vagina, and can't have my own kids. Every new partner I have requires an embarrassing explanation and biology lesson because no one knows what intersex means, even though it's quite common. At least I don't get periods? FML

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940

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By Extravirgin - Germany - Munich

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By brhorton02 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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10545

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By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sydney

Today, while buying paint, I began to help an elderly woman working to lift some heavy boxes. She told me what a nice young lady I was. Then her boss came over, screamed at her for being lazy and fired her. She cried. So did I. FML

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51434

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By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By goingnowherefast - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33649

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By mikuxxhatsune - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By laptopsRus - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

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23873

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By anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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23989

You deserved it

2021

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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2130

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By Greg

Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML

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2492

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By Tay Tay

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

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33329

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By bitten - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

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28990

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By Cece

Today, while bowling on a first date, the guy I ended things with 3 days before was bowling too. In the lane next to ours. FML

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1777

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Yeah, fuck the poor

Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

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1003

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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23522

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By shawnsmuffins - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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36036

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By anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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15387

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By Leroy - Australia

Insanity

Today, my girlfriend slapped me and dumped me because she thought I was gay, simply because I had to miss a date because one of my guy friends was in a car accident, and I went to see him at the hospital. FML

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1973

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By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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4148

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By GoulashQueen - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

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By cupcakelady127 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

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By Bear

Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers asked if I was her mother. I'm only 17. FML

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By lalanon - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

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By d - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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55751

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By imnotTHATlonely - United States

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early Birthday present. With straight faces, they look at me and say: "we signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it take a year. FML

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By gassygirlfriend - United States - Nampa

Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

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Top comments

By Rosinha_fml | 0

#205148 - Sunday 17 May 2009 4:38

I'm amazed that people leave comments like: get over it, there are people who have it way worse than you blah blah blah... I you think that way, then sure, any FML could be debated as: "you shouldn't complain, there are starving kids in Africa that have way worse problems than yours..." But then it would make that website pointless, wouldn't it?
Anyway, to the author of that FML, I hope you did have a key :-)

By wowfmlife | 0

#204751 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:59

at least he remembered that you were coming...

COMMENTS

By Squeaky_x3 | 0

#204750 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:59

aw, that's sad. D:

By wowfmlife | 0

#204751 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:59

at least he remembered that you were coming...

By xdeliciae | 0

#204770 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:02

At least you had a bed to come home to...

By ilikefish | 0

#204772 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:03

Maybe he was busy?

By cineturtle | 0

#204780 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:05

maybe they were planning a surprise welcome home party for you?

By manoverboard | 0

#204781 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:05

I hope you had a key, or else it'd be like a double whammy.

By beachblondie9973 | 0

#204784 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:06

sucks

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#204785 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:06

Hahah sucks.
Maybe they didn't wanna see you after all.

By mattmag | 0

#204814 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:15

This is twice as funny if you don't have a key.

By intrinsic_value | 0

#204840 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:24

Uh wow. I know how you feel. When I came home from college only last night, I hadn't seen my parents in kinda a year so I was expecting a warm homecoming. But I didn't. My parents were out to dinner. My younger sister was out with friends. The older sister had moved out to another city way offside from home. So I had to unload all my stuff out of the truck and unpack by myself. What a nice way to be welcomed home huh?

fm16 | 5

#4335040 - Saturday 21 April 2012 18:31

That's got to be ruff :/