Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because...

By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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Love

Body issues

A beautiful truck decoration

Not a cheating!

By Foreigner - 1/8/2011 15:05 - Jersey

Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

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By nicklesg - 23/6/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 10:29 - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By Chris - 1/1/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

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By sleepingonthetoilet - 28/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Birmingham

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

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By family heirloom gone - 17/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband threw away the cast iron skillet my family has cooked with for generations because it had some specks of rust that were perfectly fixable. My 5th great-grandfather had that skillet in 1890 when he was a chuck wagon driver for the cowboys during their cattle drives. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 04:37 - Canada - Kinburn

Today, I was doing a demonstration in front of my taekwondo class because I'm flexible. Really flexible. I kneed myself in the face and broke my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

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By mybossisanass - 23/4/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I discovered why my boss kept on scheduling me to work doubles almost every day. It wasn't because she knew I needed the extra money; she was hoping that my boyfriend would break up with me because I'm never home, and date her instead. It worked. FML

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By transcendingnerd - 13/4/2015 10:46 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I went to my Homecoming dance. I had a great time until some fat girl kept trying to dance with my date, even though he politely asked her to stop. I decided to intervene. I found myself pinned to the floor by a fat girl crushing on my date, who was cheering her on as she tackled me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 08:21 - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By loveyadad - 16/6/2013 15:46 - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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By edhere4u2nv - 6/6/2012 18:51 - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By Bree - 23/9/2018 03:00

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By Margaret - 19/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I was flying back home from college with my Mom. At the airport, the ticket agent tells us she only has one ticket listed for Margaret. My mom and I have the same name. American Airlines thought a Margaret had bought two tickets by mistake, so they cancelled one of the transactions. FML

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By brokenheart - 21/5/2018 19:00

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

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By Soopa-Genius - 22/9/2011 12:06 - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

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By ThankfullyNotKickedOut - 26/8/2016 18:17 - United States - Coldwater

Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML

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By M.A. - 25/2/2014 05:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

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By lolatmylife - 22/8/2014 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

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By Liz - 9/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By YouWish - 25/8/2016 03:57 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

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By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

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By moresexperience - 11/9/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

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By gatewayev700 - 26/2/2015 16:18 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 04:12 - United States

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

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By ewicsmelly - 29/12/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By Redhead - 22/8/2018 06:00

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

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By sleepylillion - 25/4/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

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By MedStudent90 - 11/12/2014 18:10 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my son got in trouble at school. The kids had to solve a problem by determining whether it was better for "Edna" to repair or replace her AC unit. He said Edna is an "old person's name" and she was "probably going to die soon anyway", so she shouldn't do either. FML

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By barbieissocute - 1/2/2016 03:27 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

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By aineroo - 5/11/2014 21:25 - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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Top comments

By briedis | 0

#74471 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:24

I love Spongebob :D

But yeah, pretty insesitive girlfriend...

By hpnerd | 0

#74457 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:09

Spongebob is an hour long?

Some girlfriend..

Comments

By hpnerd | 0

#74457 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:09

Spongebob is an hour long?

Some girlfriend..

By lol_everyday | 0

#74458 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:10

are you sure that's your girlfriend?

By Cryptix | 0

#74460 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:11

dump her.

krazygirl100 | 9

#2456258 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 7:31

he can wait spongbob is on hello

Matt_greener | 8

#5356898 - Wednesday 6 February 2013 17:09

Spongebob's a 30 minute show :(

CaiDog | 20

#5620135 - Friday 9 August 2013 18:12

Hello? Ever heard of two shows in a row?

By inevitable408 | 0

#74462 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:15

How old is she? 8?
hmmm... How old are you? sir...

By nodbor | 11

#74464 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:18

now wait a minute, did you explain the subject matter to her, or did you only tell her you marly wanted to talk to her?

juicycouture12 | 0

#2381437 - Thursday 21 April 2011 4:16

you spelled merely wrong dumbass

DalekScythe | 0

#2945990 - Thursday 21 July 2011 18:50

it's called a typo, fucking deal with it.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#74467 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:21

own fault you choose an idiot as girlfriend

By wildman4000 | 0

#74470 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:23

dump that bitch

By briedis | 0

#74471 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:24

I love Spongebob :D

But yeah, pretty insesitive girlfriend...

By onigiriqueen | 0

#74474 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:26

I'm 19 and I love Spongebob, but I'm not so insensitive to ignore my husband (in her case, boyfriend) if he says he needs to talk. God, what a bitch. Dump her ass.

nikijcchz | 10

#3437057 - Saturday 15 October 2011 20:39

Ur only 19 and already have a husband??

By mistress_friday | 0

#74475 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 10:31

how old is she? five?
and i'm not talking about her love of spongebob. i'm talking about her obvious lack of maturity here, lord.

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

*Lust at First Sight*

Caught in the act

John Coltrane

Lust at First Sight