Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while,...

By who_cares - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Capitalism kills

True hero

By Indoraptor - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By GasAttack - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By Furry - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

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By dead rats

Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By burnt - Australia - Middle Swan

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

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By Boob - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Bellerose

Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML

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By Depression... - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

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By emisara93

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By wellthanks - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By shorty - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I suffer from dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

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By Chey1309 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

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By a cat named tiddles

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Not now, mom!

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By mal - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:08 - United States - San Mateo

Laundry drama

Today, I did laundry with one of my new white sweaters and other light-colored clothes. After it all went through the dryer, I found out there are now dark shades on it and it looks like a years-old old sweater, and can't be cleaned. I didn't even get a chance to put it on once. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By baugy - United States - Orlando

Today, while outside, a bug flew up my nose. After I told my family and friends about a faint vibrating in my upper nostril, they all convinced me I was paranoid. That was until that night when I blew my nose and there was the bug in my tissue. Its leg was still twitching. FML

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By Mik - United States

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

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By thejbarrick50 - United States - Bergen

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By Peelates

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

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By cheshirealyce - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my day began with a "Good morning, beautiful." and ended with a "Maybe someone would love you if you were pretty." FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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By Sad preggo

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

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By 00bsg - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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Top comments

By Meepson | 9

#6345583 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:48

Make that dream a reality ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

By Llama_Man2000 | 26

#6345584 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:49

"Sorry, wrong person."

COMMENTS

By Meepson | 9

#6345583 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:48

Make that dream a reality ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anchovy11 | 7

#6345658 - Thursday 9 July 2015 20:04

JUST DO IT

meliodafool_ | 15

#6345737 - Thursday 9 July 2015 21:55

Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT!

jtfrisch | 22

#6345753 - Thursday 9 July 2015 22:27

NOOOOOOO PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6345757 - Thursday 9 July 2015 22:38

Good luck with that now!

notzax | 19

#6346200 - Friday 10 July 2015 7:51

Don't let your dreams be dreams!!!! JUST.... JUST DO IT!

TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6346768 - Friday 10 July 2015 21:56

#1
FHRITP

By Llama_Man2000 | 26

#6345584 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:49

"Sorry, wrong person."

nonsensical | 26

#6346211 - Friday 10 July 2015 8:08

"I really liked our time last night... is what I WOULD say if we went on a date ;)" super smoooooooooth

By wheresmymary | 22

#6345585 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:49

Maybe he's into it

By thejzabs | 25

#6345586 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:49

Ask her out!! You'll never have a good night with her if you don't

SuperCasual | 13

#6345602 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:04

Someone can't read correctly

hippodankamus | 22

#6345621 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:25

Right...

Noreason89 | 6

#6345647 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:51

#9 That someone is you

SuperCasual | 13

#6345665 - Thursday 9 July 2015 20:10

Please disregard this comment, I had only just woken up and decided to respond to a random person saying this

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6346123 - Friday 10 July 2015 6:21

#28 didn't your mother teach you not to lie?

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6345587 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:51

Are you sure you're not dreaming now?

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6345589 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:53

Sounds like girl of your dreams didn't understand that she was the girl IN your dreams

By nieldan | 8

#6345594 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:57

well, that was REALLY awkward.

jacob_coryell98 | 8

#6345675 - Thursday 9 July 2015 20:20

blue slide park

By WOTAN1488 | 24

#6345597 - Thursday 9 July 2015 18:59

LOL! You could then pursue several routes at that point.

By ohkay12 | 11

#6345603 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:04

Haha! I'm curious about how she responded xD

By sinn3r76 | 9

#6345605 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:06

is the co-worker a guy or girl... and is the op a guy or girl, cause it could get really awkward maybe I'm over thinking it ?

yoursucklives | 36

#6345617 - Thursday 9 July 2015 19:21

i think it doesn't matter if op/their crush is a guy/girl. it's awkward no matter what!