Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's... - FML

By Toldyouso - 22/1/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's room with scented candles and surprise her when she was done showering. I lied there naked, with Kenny G playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so I told her to come in. To my surprise it was her mom. FML

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Instadrama

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Live dumping

By cllutz - 7/2/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By not a boy toy - 31/3/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By in love with a nerd - 2/9/2019 15:01 - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By missedout - 5/2/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started doodling a big muscly arm on my notepad, including bulging veins. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into his office. Apparently the mail clerk saw and was offended. I was asked to explain why I was drawing a person's 'private area'. FML

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By 3sacrowd - 17/11/2009 03:46 - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By dmvsucks - 13/9/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

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By Autocorrected - 4/3/2012 05:02 - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

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By My spit everywhere - 30/12/2016 07:48 - United States - La Grange Park

Today, I went to the dentist. She had a tool that sucks up saliva, and put it in my mouth. She told me to close my mouth, and I did. Turns out she forgot to turn it on, causing my saliva to go all over my face. I had to sit like that for the rest of the visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

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By botheredgf - 9/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

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By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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By Harry - 5/12/2009 05:29 - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 25/3/2020 05:15

Confinement is rough

Today, my mother is snoring so loud that I can still hear her with the door shut and with earplugs in. So much for sleep. FML

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By effme - 1/6/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I spent ages applying for a scholarship on-line. I found out on the very last page that I do not meet the qualifications for it. FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/7/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 23:51 - United States - Quincy

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

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By Broeman - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By - 21/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

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By B1N - 15/4/2019 14:00

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

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By vikingunicorn - 23/5/2010 05:47 - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Mr. Sniffles - 23/3/2015 15:43 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

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By robbyrabbit - 11/11/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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By mountainmetal983 - 5/3/2020 18:00

The serpentine movement of life

Today, the serpentine belt broke on my truck a mile away from work, 30 minutes before I needed to be there. This caused me to be 45 minutes late. I got written up for being late. The tow truck then took my truck to the wrong mechanic shop. Now I have to pay another tow truck bill to get it to the right shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By skipper - 12/2/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 14:37 - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 15:15 - Denmark

Today, I decided to make the switch from pads to tampons. My boyfriend ended up having to show me how to apply them. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By zl5 - 4/7/2014 23:17 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By jessiejaybee - 18/11/2014 10:41 - United States

Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML

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Top comments

By Boddmon | 0

#790950 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:04

Why would your girlfriend knock on her own door?
You're an idiot for not realizing it would be someone else.

By uhohuscrewedup | 0

#790984 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:17

why do ppl try these things when parents are at home. ydi

Comments

By Boddmon | 0

#790950 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:04

Why would your girlfriend knock on her own door?
You're an idiot for not realizing it would be someone else.

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#791227 - Friday 22 January 2010 18:45

this has nothing to do with #1s post but someone at least in the 1st 5 should have said it
OP i believe u mean lay there...

Reply

holaworld | 0

#791627 - Friday 22 January 2010 22:29

haha wow! Rhys soo stupiddd

Reply

The_Norwegian | 2

#792795 - Saturday 23 January 2010 8:43

Because it's just a made up story..

Reply

messychick | 0

#798246 - Monday 25 January 2010 20:15

what she do when she say you there

By jakeidk | 0

#790971 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:11

did she scream? or mount you??

Reply

mauk | 0

#934660 - Thursday 11 March 2010 4:00

probably had a threesome

Reply

danthehuman | 29

#5997213 - Friday 4 July 2014 6:19

But his girlfriend wasn't there?

Reply

dirtbikeguy | 14

#6392031 - Tuesday 25 August 2015 6:20

most likely mounted him. probably saw the chest pubes going down to the ball fro and grabbed him by the weiner

By anela_fml | 0

#790983 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:16

always check first sheesh lol

By uhohuscrewedup | 0

#790984 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:17

why do ppl try these things when parents are at home. ydi

Reply

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3177809 - Thursday 25 August 2011 17:01

On purpose?

By anela_fml | 0

#790986 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:18

but I like that you tried

By joobie | 1

#791001 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:26

YDI for listening to kenny g

By iBelieve08 | 0

#791007 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:29

dude, you sound gay! i thought that was what the girl was supposed to do =/

Reply

shadaboo2014 | 0

#877601 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:17

lol thts wat happened on the movie valentines day...good movie

Reply

jpsullivan | 36

#6219927 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 7:28

"he did all that to screw a girl yes of course he must be a homosexual"

By MinaXmassacre | 0

#791044 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:50

"Kenny G music playing softly..." So you're cheesy and have bad music taste.

By emmmilyyy | 0

#791048 - Friday 22 January 2010 16:54

Kenny g??? gaahh.. haven't u seen wayne's world 2.. Kenny g is terrible.. u have bad taste in music

By ScaryyMary | 14

#791072 - Friday 22 January 2010 17:07

Well... is her mom at least a MILF? Did this lead to a make-out (or more) that your girlfriend walked in on?