Animals: Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

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Breaking Badly

By justmyluck?

Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

Today, I went to move my girlfriend's car. I failed to notice that the snow packed under the front bumper is actually ice. After a bit of struggle I managed to move the car. The bumper, however, is now a separate entity. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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By HappyGirl - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By YoungSmileBones - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By Marcella_03 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By FutureMarine3658 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

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By llostinreality - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By aunty_social

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

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By crizzy - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

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By crzyry - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By MikeMoosey - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By klsdhjla - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

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By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

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By Junkrat

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Heethersays - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By get a grip, son - United States - Pooler

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By Pookaa - United States

Today, I got a text from someone I've been avoiding saying, "Can I come visit you today?" I replied, "No, sorry, I'm not home." They then replied "Then who is that in your living room?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By of course

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By Anonymous - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML

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By kengu - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By peepa

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

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Top comments

By gerrags | 16

#6179126 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 5:59

If the cat got up there it will get itself down... YDI

By wanted_2_want | 40

#6179122 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 5:59

At least a tip to the guy would be in order.

COMMENTS

By wanted_2_want | 40

#6179122 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 5:59

At least a tip to the guy would be in order.

Reply

StantheMan93 | 12

#6179904 - Thursday 22 January 2015 2:49

I'm surprised only one person made a joke about calling the fire department.

By nour_a | 16

#6179123 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 5:59

Lol where in LA are you!! I'm in BR! Bc this is a funny situation!

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#6179432 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:20

I'm pretty sure it says Louisiana

Reply

Shadowblast423 | 3

#6179442 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 16:37

Well, Louisiana is shortened to La. We just don't call it La.

By gerrags | 16

#6179126 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 5:59

If the cat got up there it will get itself down... YDI

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6179212 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 7:53

Unless it's really young and thaz was it's first time climbing a tree, I agree. Generally, cats know very well how high they can go.

Reply

Otherhats | 20

#6179589 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 20:07

Occasionally cats can go higher then they are comfortable being. This can cause them to freeze where they are, terrified. They won't move until someone helps them down, or they fall.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6179711 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 22:52

Cats can fall from two stories, still be fine AND land on their feet safely. They could fall a bit higher and be completely fine since the ground is probably dirt or grass. Kittens, i'll give a pass for, but adult cats know damn well. They just want to make a fool of their provider.

By teentee401 | 36

#6179127 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:00

Should've called in the fire department like they do on TV

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#6179128 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:00

you know cats climb trees all the time? I've never heard of a cat getting stuck anywhere. if they can go up, they can come down.

Reply

DaeccaD | 5

#6179182 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 7:03

young cats get stuck in trees. Had to get one out ones cause it got scared. stuff happens. but then again. if you leave them. they will find a way.

By Enslaved | 36

#6179129 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:00

Did you not offer to pay for his trip out there?

By NomeDMF | 17

#6179130 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:00

Your cat had it all planned out.

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6179131 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:00

You couldn't call and tell them not to send anyone?

Reply

Jinxsie | 27

#6179166 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:42

I'm assuming it was already too late.

By christian1509 | 21

#6179132 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:01

A cat is fully capable of climbing back down a tree it got itself in

By condor216 | 15

#6179136 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 6:02

Cats are assholes.