This guy how asks the wrong questions...

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 04:05 - United States - Springfield

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Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML

By TheOtherWoman - 20/7/2009 07:10 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

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Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

By Potted - 16/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Denton

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Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

By Failure - 9/11/2009 22:13 - United States

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Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

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Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

By Foreveralone - 9/4/2012 05:07 - United States

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Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

By loverpants - 14/8/2009 20:46 - United States

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Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

By eyerollplease - 30/4/2017 22:00

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Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

By Johnny on the Spot - 12/2/2009 17:19 - United States

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Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

By 00bsg - 21/12/2013 15:46 - United States - Salem

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Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

By Jbug - 31/5/2018 13:30 - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

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Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

By ginny - 10/9/2009 17:18 - United States

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Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML

By kill me - 31/1/2009 15:30 - Canada

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Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

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Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

By whyme102008 - 13/7/2011 06:32 - United States

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Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

By mothers - 12/5/2013 17:21 - United States

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Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

By ddriver100 - 5/6/2019 18:00

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Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML

By british_babe - 5/10/2013 17:51 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

By Bad Mommy - 21/6/2012 05:40 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

By bakergirl - 16/11/2009 10:40 - Australia

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Today, I moved into a new apartment. While moving boxes, I ran into my supervisor from work. Guess who lives across the hall. FML

By Mnm54312 - 4/7/2016 07:19 - United States - Dearborn

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Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 19:46 - United States

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Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

By TomorrowMaybe - 8/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

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Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

By alikat - 26/4/2009 15:13 - United States

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Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

By youonlyneed2squares - 24/9/2014 04:10

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Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

By Sardine - 18/12/2009 22:14 - United States

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Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

By StantheMan93 - 2/2/2015 23:59 - United States - Perrysburg

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Today, I dressed up like a pirate, dressed my dog as a parrot and bought $30 worth of candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters. I waited by the door for 3 hours. Not one kid came. FML

By hallofail - 1/11/2012 00:40 - United States - Birmingham

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Today, it took me and my husband three hours to put our new book shelves together. It took our cat all of three seconds to knock it all down. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 18:58 - United States

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Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

By EmbarrassedChild - 30/7/2015 23:24 - United States

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Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

By squirrels69ing - 22/5/2011 01:00 - United States

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Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 06:57 - United States - Baxter

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Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

By Not-so-good-gymnast - 27/9/2009 08:35 - Australia

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Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

By dating a fucking idiot - 8/9/2012 19:16 - United States

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Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

By bobuhbeartoe - 24/8/2009 04:36 - United States

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Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

By hesgonnahateme - 6/6/2013 05:08 - United States - Benton

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

By me. - 1/12/2012 14:54 - United States

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